Is he a narcissist

[Sals1705]

I need help! For the last two years I have been struggling with my feelings for my partner kf 13 years. I am sure he is a narcissist but each time I think about it I back myself in to a corner.

He has full control over finances yet we both work full time. Don’t get me wrong, if I need or want something I can have it but not without a fight or argument and having to justify whereas he will have as he pleases.

we have two young children 9 and 7. I take them and pick them up from school every day. I make sure they are looked after, fed watered and clean and taken to all there after school clubs etc.

in the past he has cheated and lies about several different things. Each time we argue or I bring these things to I am made to feel the bad one and the tables are always turned on me. I am so unhappy! I don’t trust him at all. If I make arrangements with some of the few friends I have to go out I get told I am going out for men and I will get drunk and it causes yet another fight and sometimes to the point of me cancelling my night out! I can’t talk to him because when I do try I get told I am the bad one for breaking up the family 😭

What would you like to happen next in your relationship @Sals1705 ?

Whether he is a narcissist or not is irrelevant, he has cheated on you and is gaslighting you, why are you still with this idiot? Get out of that relationship.

I honestly don’t even know where I am at anymore! I love him he is the father to my kids but I am in love with I don’t kno. Am I staying for the sake of the kids? I really don’t know

At the time we spoke and I thought I could get over it but deep down I don’t think I can

Look up other threads to see if they can help.

Many people suggest the Freedom program, the book called Why does he do that? by Lundy.

He is definitely financially abusing you. None of his behaviour is good. I think you are right to question it. Get as much help as you can.

Private** therapy did wonders for me.

Check out HG Tudor on you tube. He'll be able to answer some of your questions.

How has he got full control of finances if you earn your own money - does it not go into your own account or a joint account which you have free access to?

You should have your own spending money after bills are paid.

Time for you to take back control of your own life here.

Begin by having your wages paid into your own account, which he has NO access to. You can then start a DD to whatever account you used before for household expenses etc (But only for your fair share !) What you choose to do with the rest of your money is up to you, NOT him ! (Also transfer half of any joint savings into a savings account of your own straight away.)

Now you'll have control over your money, and thereby expand your options re separation or divorce. It's vital you have this, because you don't yet know what it is that you want to do, but you do know that you're NOT happy, and something needs to change ! So, step 1 is controlling your cash, to expand your options.

Read back other posts about cheating and controlling H's/P's to get further advice on what your next steps should be, i.e getting your 'ducks in a row'

You should not have to ask for money.

You should not have to justify why you need something, and have to argue to get it.

You are not obliged to trust someone who has cheated on you.

You should not have to ask for permission to go out with your friends.

You do not have to put up with being accused of wanting to go out so you can meet other men.

You do not deserve to be accused of trying to break up the family.

You do not have to stay 'because of the children'.

You do not have to stay in a relationship with a financially controlling, lying, cheating, abusive bastard.

You’ve literally written what happened to me. Luckily for me my ex left, I would never have left as I was 1. Broke 2. Terrified 3. Didn’t want to break the family up.

I too believe my ex is a narcissist but really it doesn’t matter. They have broken your trust by cheating, demean you and your feelings, make you their skivvy, gaslight you, lie etc etc they will never get better. No matter how much you do for them or take the abuse they force upon you, he will never change.

I went through the freedom programme which helped me see what a truly terrible situation I was in.

I’m about 6 months ahead of you and it’s crazy and terrifying but also so freeing and worlds better than the life I was living.

There is a better life out there for you.

I have my own account where my wages go in to yes however the way the bills are worked out leaves me little to myself and I have to justify what I spend it on. Our savings which I put into is an account only in his name. I have no access to this and if I need something again I have to justify what for. The finance side is not a massive issue for me it’s always been the same it’s the fact the control lies with him and I feel like a kid having to ask.

OP, the money side may not seem to be an 'issue' for you, but it really is a huge issue.

He deliberately keeps all joint savings under his sole control, so that you cannot use/spend anything without his authority ! You're actually handing him 100% control !

And the 'way the bills are organised' is deliberately set up so that you never have any more than bloody pocket money for yourself ffs !

Stop giving him your savings ! Start your own savings account !

Bloody well 'rework' the bills so that they come out of his account ! All you need to do is to work out what all the monthly bills come to, then work out what percentage you 'should' pay e.g if you earn £1000 a month and he earns £2000 a month, then you should only pay for 1/3 of the total ?

Once you've worked that out, then email/phone the relevant companies an change the DD to come out of his/joint account, and you pay less into joint account so that he has to pay in more (Or just tell them to stop the service if you can't change the DD accounts, but pick stuff important to him e.g His phone/ internet provider/ SKY subscriptions/Netflix etc things he can't do without.

Without access to your own money, you can't leave ! How could you pay to rent a new place ? Or save a deposit ? etc etc

He's cheated which means he has no loyalty to you. He is financially controlling. He gaslights you. You don't need a label you just need to get out.

crikey you earn your money and then put it into his bank account ? Wow he has done a complete number on you. Why don’t you change that now why should you have to justify spending your own money that you earned?!!!!

He’s cheated and is not supportive with the children as well as financially abusive. What do you love about him?!!!!