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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Am i being selfish?

25 replies

whycantitbecalm · 29/10/2022 22:26

Brief background: married for 18 yrs, 3 teenage children.
Husband has always been hard to live with, has been diagnosed with Borderline Personality disorder, which means he controls all the situations we are in, not in an overpowering way, in a subtle, mean, reverse psychology kind of way.

So in the past he'd make comments or cause arguments about me going out, so i stopped going out.

He'd make backhanded comments about money growing on trees, which gradually made me spend less to avoid conflict and questioning.

He makes mean comments about me, lies, in front of friends that he passes off as "only joking"

Ok so that wasn't brief, but you get the idea.
I'm so done with it, he's on medication he had 6 weeks counselling and thought that would solve all our problems.

I've asked him calmly to try other things. He says he will. But never does.

Its effecting our teenagers and he has started treating them the same.

I don't think i can carry on but feel so so selfish for making a decision that will effect everyone else in our lives, our friends, families, children just for the sake of my own happiness. Has anyone else felt like this, does everyone feel like this?

How do i get past that feeling to a clear decision?

OP posts:
Original poster
whycantitbecalm · 29/10/2022 22:27

P.s it would mean huge adjustments to our lives as he is the breadwinner, i have a tony self employed business to fit around raising our children

OP posts:
LemonTT · 30/10/2022 08:44

I have been a friend and family member of people who split up and who have children.

Of course you worry about how things will turn out for them. But I have learnt that anyone ending a ltr with children doesn’t do it lightly. I have observed and learnt people grow apart and create dysfunction in families that causes more problems for children than staying together. Study after study shows that.

Any friend or family member who puts their own feelings about your decision will be just a self centred idiot who needs to learn they cannot control other peoples choice of partner.

Bedazzled22 · 01/11/2022 11:39

As with the wise words above a decision to end a relationship when you have children is never taken lightly. But you are not being selfish because his behaviour is affecting your teens…

Toomanysleepycats · 01/11/2022 15:13

I am divorcing after a long marriage. My husband has been the selfish one for most of those years, so I reckon I have the right to (be selfish and) end our marriage.

The guilt was awful at first but as he has proved his selfishness over and over again in the past few months, I am now over that.

You only have one life, don’t waste it. There are so many threads where women post about their absolute joy and happiness once they leave an unhappy marriage. I’m going to join them soon. Come with me.

Original poster
whycantitbecalm · 09/01/2023 08:19

@Toomanysleepycats love your reply thank you so much. Hope all is going smoothly, just getting my ducks in a row here Confused

OP posts:
TheFlis12345 · 09/01/2023 08:21

He has abused you for years and is now starting to abuse your kids. Get out before he does serious damage to them. Staying would be selfish.

Onlyme54321 · 12/01/2023 22:02

@Toomanysleepycats I am in the same situation!

I think for my STBXH to continually confirm why I left is the most considerate thing he has ever done!

Toomanysleepycats · 13/01/2023 16:12

@Onlyme54321 I was moaning about my STBXH the other day and something he had recently done that was down right sneaky, and my friend said “why did you think he would do anything different, when that’s what’s he’s always been like? (Will say black is white just to get his own way in everything).

And it did pull me up short, as it’s so f**king obvious. Of course the whole divorce proceeding will be conducted the same way as the marriage has been, but on steroids.

He will decide what he wants and will bully me and wear me down until I give in. In the past my only tactic was just to grey rock, but you can’t grey rock a divorce, and I’ve been so conditioned not to defy him I’m finding it really difficult.

I naively thought you had to tell the truth on the Form E but he has decided his truth is all that matters. Did you know that of his four vintage motor bikes, three of them have a ‘failed engine’ all in one month? The fact that he knows how to strip a bike and modify it to his hearts content, doesn’t seem suspicious at all.

@whycantitbecalm How’s it going?

Original poster
whycantitbecalm · 13/01/2023 19:51

@TheFlis12345 Thank you x

@Onlyme54321 thats a great way of looking at it thank you

@Toomanysleepycats So i am fully in the "i've put up with enough" and am definitely leaving. I know that he will be as sneaky, mean, manipulative and difficult as he can once i say i want a divorce.
So i'm getting everything in order and making sure i have photographs of pension information etc before telling him

There seems to be an imaginary drama every few days at the moment and its so hard to not just tell him to F off but i'm not ready yet, i'm still reading all i can about my rights and what i need and the boys and i are entitled to.
Knowledge is power

OP posts:
Brokenperson · 31/01/2023 10:02

I think it's very difficult to live with this type of person. I stuck with someone who was extremely selfish_ just for kids sake. It's understandable but it can be thrown back in your face. My daughter was annoyed because I stuck with it. She called my ex a sociopath and why hadn't I split earlier?

Onlyme54321 · 31/01/2023 19:42

@Brokenperson I believe the children see a lot more than we realise. My daughter was initially very defensive of her dad, now she is very aware of his behaviour and doesn’t appear to feel sad / sorry for him anymore and she has now been on the receiving end of his selfishness unfortunately

FuelledbyCaffeine11 · 31/01/2023 20:40

No. When you put yourself first and you are not use to doing so it can feel selfish. Especially if you have been conditioned not to.

You can do this and long term a better life is waiting for you!

BatshitCrazyWoman · 01/02/2023 11:57

Echoing all the others, it can feel incredibly selfish when you've never actually put yourself and your wellbeing (and that of your children) first before. But you are doing the right thing. My divorce was horrendous, I kept my head down and just kept on going, whatever he threw at me, with the help of my solicitor and barrister, and some friends who really reassured and supported me.

Original poster
whycantitbecalm · 02/02/2023 08:27

So good to hear your views, i've told him i want a divorce and he is doing his best to convince me i'm making a big mistake. So having your responses in black and white is so good to read over and over

OP posts:
Mari9999 · 02/02/2023 11:31

Don't be fearful of taking steps to create a better environment for yourself and your children. Your children won't be losing a father ; you will be losing an unpleasant and controlling husband.

Women who work full time actually raise their children and raise them well. You won't be sacrificing or scarring your children by going to work full time. They will get to see a woman taking charge of both her life and their lives.

Onlyme54321 · 02/02/2023 12:05

I agree with the above post. My children have thrived so much since we have separated, it’s lovely / amazing to see. it just confirmed what I did was right for myself and my children, although couldn’t have considered this at the stage your currently at OP

19Bears · 02/02/2023 15:08

I completely relate to those saying they feel selfish for wanting their own happiness when they've lived their whole lives putting everyone else first. In fact, on broaching the subject of me feeling so unhappy in the relationship and needing more than this, dh told me I was selfish. I felt it even more that he said it, and backed down. How I wish I hadn't. That was three years ago and we're still rattling around in the same house barely speaking, and I can feel the tension in the dcs. It has to stop, it's damaging everyone, yet still I feel an overwhelming sense of selfishness. How do you not feel it? I'd love to know what to do to not feel it!

Equalitea · 31/03/2023 04:24

I think it would be more selfish to stay and watch him abuse your children than to leave.

Jas683 · 31/03/2023 07:29

Toomanysleepycats · 01/11/2022 15:13

I am divorcing after a long marriage. My husband has been the selfish one for most of those years, so I reckon I have the right to (be selfish and) end our marriage.

The guilt was awful at first but as he has proved his selfishness over and over again in the past few months, I am now over that.

You only have one life, don’t waste it. There are so many threads where women post about their absolute joy and happiness once they leave an unhappy marriage. I’m going to join them soon. Come with me.

I agree totally with this comment.

My philosophy has been hard no regrets, I believe I walk this planet once and did not want to have a regret of living a fake life with someone I grew to really dislike.

Original poster
whycantitbecalm · 31/03/2023 07:46

Thank you all so much, we are now 9 weeks in since i told him and its a minefield of emotions, my soon to be ex has moved out and the kids and I are so much happier and they have told me they feel free, which is all the confirmation i need to know that this was the right decision

OP posts:
lashy · 31/03/2023 07:47

Toomanysleepycats · 01/11/2022 15:13

I am divorcing after a long marriage. My husband has been the selfish one for most of those years, so I reckon I have the right to (be selfish and) end our marriage.

The guilt was awful at first but as he has proved his selfishness over and over again in the past few months, I am now over that.

You only have one life, don’t waste it. There are so many threads where women post about their absolute joy and happiness once they leave an unhappy marriage. I’m going to join them soon. Come with me.

Love this. Especially the last paragraph.

Jas683 · 31/03/2023 08:15

whycantitbecalm · 31/03/2023 07:46

Thank you all so much, we are now 9 weeks in since i told him and its a minefield of emotions, my soon to be ex has moved out and the kids and I are so much happier and they have told me they feel free, which is all the confirmation i need to know that this was the right decision

Good to hear you and your children are more settled. Brace yourself for some ups and downs and you will prepare you for any unexpected emotions.

Good luck 🤞

findthecourage · 31/03/2023 12:43

@19Bears Sorry to jump on here. I am in this same position.
I need to get STBXH out- have you moved on in your journey ? Flowers

19Bears · 31/03/2023 12:53

@findthecourage Thank you for asking, but no, I'm no further forward. Every time I think I've gathered the courage to say the words, something comes up. My mum was rushed into hospital on Wednesday and on top of that my brother is in a care home, so life is just too busy to throw in a massive life changer as well. I don't know when I'll ever have the time or energy :(
What stage are you at?

This is great news @whycantitbecalm It sounds like you've been strong and it's paying off. I see it so much! People bravely take the leap, and it's awful and the hardest thing you'll ever do, but the relief is overwhelming. I'd love that feeling on the other side of it all. Well done!

findthecourage · 31/03/2023 14:19

@19Bears I am so sorry to read this. There always seems to be something that obstructs moving forward doesn't there!
So a little update from me from 2 years ago! Loving separate lives in the same house, separate rooms etc. Have asked multiple times since 2021 for him to go & I will pay all bills in the family home until DS is accepted into secondary school - postcode catchment area restrictions. He will not negotiate on anything ! His only response was you will not take me to the cleaners! I earn more, always have and we would not have the family home if not for my salary. How can you discuss anything with someone like that. Am so so done. My biggest concern now is my DS, the house is exceptionally toxic. Complete silence between his father and me. I have been emotionally abused and then manipulated when that didn't work. Am living with my ex with no peace and it is so dysfunctional. I really am terrified of the impact on my son. I started a new thread today asking for advice - should I tell my DS that we are separated & will be divorcing but sorting out financial and living situation- he is 10
Sorry for long post but felt compelled to reach out today. Anxiety beginning to spiral about mental health of my DS 🙈🙈

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