Asking ex to leave

[pineapplepickle]

Back in August I posted here about the difficulties of trying to amicably separate from my partner and split our assets. The atmosphere in our home has deteriorated since then and we now rarely speak. I’m now desperate to move on and start the next stage of my life as had enough of the constant stonewalling on implications of wrongdoings. Whilst ex states she also wants to move on she shows little intent, though maybe is doing a lot she doesn’t tell me about.

We split childcare 50:50 and now have completely separate finances. Ex now pays for food, activities etc when she has the kids but doesn’t contribute towards utility bills, council tax, mortgage etc. She’s on a fairly low wage and I think has take home pay of about £1400 per month before benefits. I have a much higher income (4k per month) but almost all goes on mortgage, monthly household bills and my expenses.

Despite wanting to move on, I struggle with feelings of guilt and deep down feel like I need to support ex. I also don’t want to jeopardise my relationship with the children by upsetting the apple cart. Is it reasonable to ask her to contribute more, e.g. a few hundred pounds per month towards bills? And if I manage to borrow money to buy her equity in the house, what would be a reasonable time to give her to leave? Very strange thinking this about someone you’ve been with for two decades, but separating was her choice and she’s made it very unpleasant.

Until you split your assets you both own the home and are both entitled to live there. No one would advise either of you to move out from a financial perspective until this is resolved.

As you are not married the resolution is simple, you split the equity 50:50 unless there is a legal document that states otherwise. Sell or agree a buy out.

if you haven’t even looked into how much you could borrow then aren’t you equally guilty of dragging your feet? Back in August you would have been able to borrow more and it would have cheaper.

she will move out if you offer her half the equity or sell the house. You can achieve all those things by yourself, although it would be better and cheaper to get her cooperation.

I agree it doesn’t make sense financially to move out now but separating is a financial disaster anyway. And continuing to co-habit just means we’re stuck in limbo - all the old problems still exist but now we’re not talking. I am now confident that I’ll be able to buy her out (lots of work gone into this over recent months) and given the chaotic housing market think this may be the only realistic option.

However, I’m not convinced she will move out even with cash in hand. She’s set on purchasing a shared ownership property which are rare as hens teeth. Hence asking what a reasonable notice period is and if asking her to contribute in the meantime to household costs is fair?

Once the house is legally yours she can be forced to leave. Have you agreed a house value and the price you will buy her out at?

You also need to be mindful that if there are no suitable housing options for her and the children she can apply for order allowing them to live in the current property for a period of time before it is sold.

I suggest you go see a solicitor, get your finances in order and sort this all out properly if that’s what you want to do.

As we have complete shared care of the children I don't think a court order would be made; my understanding is this happens when there is a primary carer. I'm also the sole owner already, so this is more about setting reasonable expectations. Is three months too little time? I feel if roles were reversed my bags would have been on the doorstep within the week

OP, your ex can't move out until she has the equity to either rent or buy.

If you're confident you can buy her out, then you need to start the process of getting an increased mortgage to release the equity to her & transferring the title through the land registry. This process will take at least 2-3 months.

Your children need a roof over their head when they stay with their mother.

Agree with previous posters saying if you want her to move out, you need to buy out her share.

How did you split costs before you seperated? Was it based on a percentage of earnings? If so, could you work out what that would look like now and agree a figure based off that?

Before my ex and I seperated we had all our money in one pot, everything came out of that, each got personal spending money, and the rest went into savings. When we seperated, we worked out what percentage we each needed to pay to maintain that balance, and did so until he finally bought me out of the house and I moved out.

OP, have you seen a mortgage advisor & got an agreement in principle for buying her out?

Mortgage rates have increased significantly in recent months & this could impact on your plans.

Otherwise the house will need to be sold.

But technically she doesn't have a share? They aren't married and she isn't on the deeds nor has she paid anything towards the mortgage or bills.

OP, did you speak to a solicitor? It sounds like her buying is a pie in the sky idea which is going to leave you all in limbo for a long time, so she may have to consider renting

Hi @ProseccoOnIce. Yes, funding is in place to buy her out. I just need to triple check I can afford repayments. I am sole owner and mortgage payer so no issue with transfer of ownership etc.
Ex could have moved out into rented accommodation months ago as she’s entitled to UC & CB in addition to her income. It’s more difficult for me to move out as I’d have to keep-up mortgage etc and borrow money for renting a new place.

@MangoBiscuit that’s a really pragmatic approach. Was the percentage based on your incomes? It’s a bit difficult as don’t think ex can claim UC whilst she’s still living here - I may be wrong though? Also, can I ask how long it was between your ex buying you out and you moving out? Did you wait until you could buy or move into rented? This where I’m getting a bit lost in terms of what’s reasonable on both sides.

@Dragonskin You’ve hit the nail on the head, but after being partners for 2 decades and having children together it's absolutely right to share equity in the house, which is our only significant asset. I have just engaged a solicitor as feel like unless I force the issue we’ll be living in this horrific limbo for another year.

We worked out how much we each needed to pay so that we both had the same amount left over, and stuck to that percentage. So if a bill came in higher, or we had an unexpected house cost, we each had to pay our percentage.

As an example:
If his take home is 2500, and mine is 1500, (total 4000) and mortgage, all bills, and food costs come to 2000, that leaves 2000 left over. So he would pay 1500 (75%) and I would pay 500(25%) and we'd both have 1000 left.

We were actually about 60/40 in practice.

As for moving out, my divorce solicitor told me that our situation was unusual because neither one of us moved out before the financial agreement was sorted. I bought my house, completed and exchanged, and moved out on the same day. I didn't have much choice though. Ex wouldn't leave because he was buying the house. I couldn't afford to rent or buy until the finances were settled, and I had to home myself and two children. Childcare is split 50/50 now, but we had to build it up slowly from 90/10 because he couldn't cope with them on his own to start with.

She can put a claim into Universal credit even when in the house. She will have to declare she is not paying any money towards yourself or doing things like your washing and dishes etc. Usually they will invite her in for an interview where she will sign a legal declaration the information is correct and they usually ask for a timeframe for moving out. I know as I did this when splitting from my husband

Thanks @MangoBiscuit - really useful to have that detail. I think I’ve got so used to paying that it feels very awkward to ask for a greater contribution.

@Soberfutures - huh, I didn’t know that. So could she use UC to contribute towards utility bills etc? If this is the case it would change so much for the better as I may be able to afford at least a studio flat, even if she insists on staying in the family home.

Yes if she is using it to pay her own share. Just no joint food bills or cooking for you or laundry etc. Almost like you are lodgers.

Though remember if you end up buying her out savings over 16k mean no entitlement to universal credit/ reduced universal credit I can't remember the exact figures off my head.

Thank you! Every bit if info that helps move things forward feels like a bit of weight has been lifted of. Really appreciated 🙏🙂 I wish ex had done some research too but can't have everything 😔

It's not often used and some advisors will say no as they don't understand it is legal and possible