Separated parents, how often should nrp be speaking to children on phone?

[NeedSleepNow]

Husband and I have been separated just over a year due to him treating the children and I badly, his anger issues, control issues, emotional and financial abuse (the children were suffering and I had had enough of him treating us badly so I asked him to leave) . We are about to begin mediation to agree child arrangements and financial split.

The children live with me full time at the moment and their Dad wants to keep seeing them back here at the fmh every Saturday, every Sunday, and two evenings a week. He then expects phonecalls from them every day that he does not see them (and often in the days he had airway seen them too). This is all a bit too much and disruptive for the kids. At mediation I am going to suggest that he sees them EOW (with him to take them out, not just hang around the house here watching TV), and one evening in the week. If he agrees to this is it reasonable for him to expect phonecalls on all of the other days? If I don't answer the first time he calls, he'll keep ringing my mobile, then son's mobile, then the landline, then WhatsApp call... If he hasn't spoken to them one evening he rings the next morning over and over until someone answers, always as I am trying to get them ready for school and me for work. During the school holidays he often rings in the morning before he gets to work, on his lunch break and when home from work. I know he misses them but it is all too much and he constantly wants to know what they are doing, when, with who etc. He always wants control (one of the many reasons we have split) and this just feels like a way he is trying to still have control.

How many phonecalls a week is reasonable? I am happy for the kids to ring him anytime they want to talk to their Dad but the constant calls from him feels suffocating. More often than not the kids don't want to talk when he rings, or the youngest will chat happily but the older two don't want to. Should I be agreeing to daily phone calls forever more (I know he will try to guilt trip me at mediation saying it is the least he deserves as I was the one that ended things) or is just a couple of times a week reasonable?

How old are they?
where is he living ?
what’s the longer term plan for housing- he should be having the overnight, for weekends etc rather than ‘taking them out’ which I can understand is less than ideal

if he’s not able to house himself currently because you’re in the fmh then I can see why he would want to be able to visit there to some degree

if he is in his own place then he shoujd have them there

@millymollymoomoo He is in his own place but opted to rent a 1 bed flat as he loves to tell everyone (including the children) that I am rich and he has nothing. He viewed many 2 beds properties but decided that anything more than 10 minutes away was too far away so ruled them out and went for this 1 bed instead.

The kids are 12, 10 & 5

If the situation was reversed wouldn't you want to call your dc daily? The amount of contact he has now seems good to me except he needs to take them out sometimes

Firstly you do need to get his contact away from your home. It is not your fault that he chose to move to a one bed flat.

I do think daily phonecalls are too much. Do the kids even want that?

No the kids don't usually want to speak to him. His relationship with our eldest is very strained and he refused to talk to his Dad on the phone 95% of the time. Middle child will sometimes talk and youngest is usually happy to. They rarely ask to ring him.

No the kids don't usually want to speak to him.

In that case, he's made his own bed etc. Tell him to stop expecting contact at the family home. He has to take them out of have them at yours. And this level of phone calls sounds like not only is he harassing you, he is harassing his own kids! And yes, it's very much about control.

Keep a record for a week or so about how many times he calls, texts, whatsapps etc ad present this during mediation. This is not even daily but multiple times daily. Poor kids. They must be exhausted trying to keep him happy and so must you.

@NeedSleepNow contact is supposed to be for the benefit of the children and not the parent. So him insisting on spealing to them every day is not going to work long term if they don't want that.

Sorry 'or have them at his'. Fat fingers!

Thanks, I'm absolutely certain it is about control. When we were still together he used to do it to me on my non working days and told me on a number of occasions when I didn't answer as I was busy, thathe does not expect to be ignored. I feel that he is still trying to do this now not just to me but the kids.

If they actually wanted to talk to him it would be fine, but the oldest will walk out of the room when the phone rings and refuse to talk. It's never at a convenient time either and he complains of I refuse to answer when I am in the middle of getting them to bed.

I don't want to agree to daily phonecalls forevermore, as it just seems like yet another way he maintains control over us and a way to check on what we are doing.

I will definitely start keeping a record of when he is ringing, messaging etc. That's a good idea, thank you

The trouble is - speaking on the phone isn't the same as living with someone and just chatting when you feel like it. It never will be, and it's really irrelevant what HE wants, it's what the children want and what is best for them that matters.

Imo, for EOW and one night in the week, a call on the 'off' weekend is sufficient UNLESS the children want to call in between in which case they can.

Mine is court ordered

when he lived around the corner

phone call once a week on Saturday at 6 to the parents that wasn’t with the child
over nights Friday to Monday am every other week

no other calls or access

he was given Friday to Monday as the court wanted him to step up and parent

now we live hundreds of miles away he has a 30 min call wed and sat at 6 and no weekend access
calls must not be for more than 30 minutes and if the child is tired or asleep - no call

in Your situation either give him full 50/50 week on and week off or
offer him every other weekend Friday to Sunday
a phone call the following week on the Wednesday at 6

so at the moment what you have is not workable he is having all the weekend - wtf?
you aren’t child care

By the way that’s harassment - change all your numbers and buy a separate phone for him and tell him when he can phone and turn it off the rest of the time

The children have two separate homes

This seems like a good option to me. I am more than happy for the kids to ring him if they want to talk to him but it is very rare that one of them asks to speak to him. It is anyways about his needs and wants unfortunately, I don't think he ever thinks of what is best for the children.

I think 50/50 care would be disastrous for the children. The reason I left was the emotional abuse and the harm it was doing to the kids. I would do everything I could to prevent that from happening again to them. The older two often don't want to see him and living with him a week at a time would be terrible for their mental health. Every other weekend could work well with him then also seeing them a night in the week for dinner but I'm sure he won't agree to anything like that, he just wants to be able to drop in whenever he wants and speak on the phone every day that he doesn't.

The big think you need is a financial clean break. If he does not have any ownership over the house you can happily stop him from crossing the threshold. Sadly if he owns part of it legally he can come and go as he pleases...

Yes this is what my solicitor has said. I'm hoping at mediation we will be able to agree how to split our finances and what to do with the house.

These things are hard, I know. I have three kids but they are all but one adults and still living with me. When my ex moved out he said "kids can come whenever they want to", including the one who is a minor. In other words, he did not want to have regularly scheduled days and times with the kids, but wanted it to sound like he was being very generous. In the first few weeks nobody was going over to him, so he got really pissed. Then he decided that kids should come over every Sunday evening for dinner, which is what best suits his schedule. They stay for few hours and he feeds them exactly the same food each night (the cheapest possible) and they watch movies. They have been doing this for over a year now. While this is totally insufficient in terms of being a parent, on one hand, it is very constrictive for the kids. Since they are grown up they have jobs, school, boyfriends and girlfriends, but they have to free this time to see him and he gets really upset if they do not. They are also bored of doing the same thing. I keep reminding them that they are grown up and that they have to negotiate with their father as to when and how they should socialize, but for now, it seems that they have not been able to do so.