Oh goodness. I didn't see anybody had replied. Thank you lovely people.
I am still in shock that he thinks - believes - I shouldn't have a career because I have kids. Honestly, of all the things that have happened, this has been the one that has made me wake up to what's been going on. I've been able to say things that were happening, but it was like I was talking in my sleep because I didn't feel anything. I was, and still am really, detached from them all, even though I know they're bad. This one though half gives me an anger I'm not used to having and half makes my brain flatline in shock.
He's apparently made a move on engaging a lawyer and I'm expecting his counter-proposal any day. Which is scary but also shocking: he never responds so quickly to me with anything! Usually we get to a month and I then carefully mention whatever it is only to be told I'm not using the right tone, or the right words of I've brought it up at a bad time due to his work or he's tired. And it goes in for months like that. So to actually have him engaging in the process already is a shock.
Obviously he doesn't want to show his (female, with a family..) lawyer his usual stalling techniques. They're apparently only for me.
I was manoeuvred into a dinner two weeks ago (his friends with our kids and I couldn't get out of it without upsetting my kids). So I went. There he sat expressing confusion about how a man could ever abuse his wife/partner. I thought I was going to vomit. They were all talking about how awful it was.
However, I continued with my Oscar worthy performance of calmness (truly, I should get an award as nobody frigging knows how I feel unless I've told them - and when I do, they are always shocked and say something like "I had no idea, I thought you were happy together!"). I went to the loo to retain my calm and returned to him being amazed at the incredibleness of this couple for (honestly, wait for it) taking a bus between two cities with her brother and his wife and all their kids, about half are teens. The equivalent of National Express. I thought they were joking! Turns out that no, he thinks she's amazing for getting on a coach with three other adults and the kids.
Meanwhile, wanna guess how this non-driver here travels anywhere alone with kids? Yup, not in a car, that's for sure!
It didn't even occur to him because I very literally don't exist outside childcare, running the home and attending dinner with a few people so he can keep his image of "husband and father" tuning along.
I'm not exaggerating. I don't exist.
He even talked at home about how amazing they were for getting the coach! I said nothing. There's no point is there. At one point I'd have said something and it would end in an argument.
I've also realised that while he definitely doesn't tick all the boxes, he fully ticks some components of being a psychopath, at least with me. Nobody who is friends with or works with him would have a clue. No empathy, no remorse, doesn't care about hurting (no physical violence) me, even when I tell him he is, as long as he gets what he decided he wants and thinks he's entitled to. I am merely a tool for the betterment of his life. Rules aren't something that apply to him either. Not really. But he comes across as very much a rule follower.
I'm so sad though. Sad I couldn't see it. Sad I have been brainwashed to believe I'm wrong and he's right - about everything. Even my first degree subject he thinks he knows more about than me! Sad that I managed to end up in a relationship that has utterly broken me, to a point I'll never fully recover from. Things will be better, but my trust in others wasn't great before - he was one of the only people I've ever fully trusted - and it's now something actively dangerous to me.
Some days it's really hard to carry on. If it weren't for having kids I definitely would have ended my life. I've not been living in a hell, because I've not been able to live. I've had to switch everything off and just keep going forward. Like sleep walking. Meanwhile, his life has gone from strength to strength. I feel such an idiot for not being able to see it (even now I know I can't see it all), for letting it happen and for letting myself end up in such an incredibly vulnerable position.
A position btw he recognises because he likes to say he's been helping me by staying, wait for this goodie..because "DivorcingEU isn't working"!!!
Literally everything he says is the exact opposite of reality and he's so calm and rational and understated, that everybody believes him immediately.
Anyway now awaiting his counter proposal. Given he thinks I've been trying to steal his premarital assets (that he has not properly recorded, WTAF - I can't steal something I think is separate and he hasn't recorded!?!) I'm not holding out any real hope of fairness. But still, stupidly, there is a tiny slither of it there. You'd think I'd have learned by now, but no, the little bit of hope is still there. I'm thinking that because he probably wants to impress his lawyer with his kindness and generosity towards me, he wont put together something that shows him in a bad light. We'll see.