Im older, retired and post menopausal. I effectively ended the marriage, because I was fed up with his controlling and belittling behaviour. I asked for relationship counselling which he rejected, and in a later text he suggested separating.
However, he still blames me for the divorce and says he didn’t “want this”. He is playing the victim and is working madly to present a financial offer which presents as 50/50 but truly isn’t. He had a solicitor but has decided it’s too expensive. This is a man who has probably spent nearly £100,000 on his “hobbies”. Yes that’s £100 thousand fucking pounds!
The narrative is that this is entirely my idea. I think he has forgotten the “let’s separate, we probably should have done this five years ago” text. And you know what? I don’t give a fuck!
He is unfortunately the sort of person who has to always see himself as the good guy. So even if the shoe was on the other foot, he would still turn it so he was the one who was hard done by. And you know what? It doesn’t matter.
So whether your husband is like mine or not, you can’t control how he will present it.
Keep your eyes on the prize and visualise what your life would look like if you divorce. Mine is I’m standing in a kitchen, the back door is open, the sun is pouring in and I’m looking out on a rather scruffy garden, with a couple of elderly cats wandering about. But it’s MY house, MY garden. Thats my dream for what it’s worth.
See a solicitor and hopefully set your mind at rest about the finances.
I know talking to my therapist helped me see how bad my husbands behaviour had been. She confirmed to me it was classed at emotional abuse. Being post menopausal meant I was no longer willing to be someone else’s service human.
Those two facts gave me permission to end the marriage. Everything my STBXH has done since has just cemented it. The reason I had spent at least 8 years previously being unhappy but unable to make a decision was simply because my husband had always told me I was the problem. Once I stopped believing that, my path was clear.
My suggestions:
1)See a solicitor
2)Talk to your therapist. Ask if your husbands behaviour is the reason you have lost your confidence/self esteem. I read that a symptom of this is an inability to make decisions. Yes, that was my problem, in spades.
3)As already suggested, take a step back, observe and “grey rock”.
I want to say to you that you sound like a woman who wants to divorce, but I realise that is me just projecting. Read up on anything you can find, look at the Divorce/separation threads.
Sorry that was so long, and has become a personal rant. As my therapist would say, I’m still processing a lot of buried emotions.