We’ve been married 14 years and it’s been an extremely controlling relationship from Day 1. I come from a household of neglect so I always thought if I just bear with it, he will eventually run out of steam. Obviously it just got worse and escalated into physical violence once lockdowns started in 2019.
In 2020, I called the police who arrested him and it was deeply traumatic for me because social services got involved for the safety of the children (I was being hit in front of them) and I had to repeatedly prove how I was a fit mother and listen to incredibly condenscending lectures about ‘doing your part to keep the peace’. No charges were pressed as my broken bone from a few months ago that I didn’t report to the police and lied to the doctor about was considered ‘a case of he said/ she said’.
The crowning glory of this all, my OH developed severe PTSD symptoms from the police experience and it added to his severe anxiety, depression and paranoia. He also began self harming and that entire year or so I was basically a caretaker for my abuser, trying to keep him from committing suicide and get him help he didn’t want, all the while taking more abuse. He went on medication for a while and things got a little better but now we’ve slid back to where things were before the arrest and I’m constantly on the receiving end of his paranoia and rage.
I decided yesterday that we’re done for good after one too many weekends of abuse and paranoia. Of course he’s changed tack and now he REALLY wants to make it work for the children’s sake etc etc. We live in a large three storey house and I said we can separate within the same house if he can keep his boundaries while I file the divorce paperwork. We’re renting the house from a friend for below market rate so while we live in a large house right now, there’s no money for us to actually have separate lives right now. We’re also in a small village which is 11 miles from the next town so it’s not easy to find rentals, especially near the children’s schools.
I have a severe autoimmune pain condition which I’ve developed over the past years (big surprise) so I can’t do school pick drops and everything unless he carries some of that weight - and if he moves too far, it won’t work.
Can anyone please help by sharing their experiences of going through a successful separation and divorce and co-parenting with someone who has mental health issues? I just feel like I’m locked in a box with no way out.