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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

How on earth do you begin to separate?

17 replies

Cc94 · 18/10/2022 01:40

I can't explain all of the reasons I want to leave my husband, and I know that if I was to do that, you'd all come to the same conclusions so I'll spare you the long story but please please explain to me how you work out the separating?? I'm so desperate and I feel trapped
I am the one who works but as I don't drive, I rely on husband to get to work. My job is rural and starts early so public transport is not an option. Also, my sons nursery starts after I have already gone to work, and finishes before I finish. Husband won't bother with us when we separate and I have no one who can take /pick my child up due to their own work and family commitments.
Also, both of our names are on the house, but I can't afford to live here alone (not that he would let me) and he doesn't have a job.
We also have pet cats that I can't take if I move out, but he won't look after them properly.
I am 28, on a very low income that goes on childcare despite hubby not working, I don't know anything about solicitors but I definitely can't afford one. I think I will have to quit my job, but then I can't afford to live? I'm so depressed, I can't bare the thought of living in such an emotionally abusive marriage any longer, but financially and because of son/nursery times, I don't feel able to leave

OP posts:
FlowerArranger · 18/10/2022 01:52
  1. Learn to drive.
  2. Read up about divorce at Wikivorce, Divorce for Dummies and divorce solicitors' websites
  3. Gather all financial documents - bank statements, P60s, pensions, investments, mortgage......... everything.
  4. Have a one time consultation with an experienced family solicitor.
  5. Rehome the cats. And yes, as a lifetime cat servant and cat shelter volunteer I know how very hard this will be. But focus on what you need to do.

And come back here for support and advice 💐

Original poster
Cc94 · 18/10/2022 02:05

Thank you so much for your response, I wasn't expecting anything so quickly.
That all makes sense, but I cannot afford to learn to drive if I leave him as I'd have to quit my job, and I feel bad staying with him just to get to work plus I feel unable to cope until I do my test (it's in January).
I will begin to look at divorce proceedings etc, so thank you. I'll have to have the chat tomorrow and will update once it's done, I'm terrified
Thanks again for replying x

OP posts:
JestersTear · 18/10/2022 02:18

Could you sneakily have driving lessons while you're at work, on a lunch break perhaps? That might be a ridiculous suggestion, but just trying to think of a way around it.

Aintnosupermum · 18/10/2022 02:48

Start by getting your permit. Once you have your permit, have driving lessons going to and from work 1-2 times a week or, if you don’t want him to know, do it during your lunch.

Try to find a side hustle so you can put some money aside. If you have a trusted family member give it to them for safe keeping.

Get all of your documentation together. Housing market is about to drop so you might find the lender willing to work with you while you sell the home or figure out how you will increase your income. You should qualify for help with the cost of childcare if you are working and low income.

user1477249785 · 18/10/2022 03:00

OP do you mean you have a driving test in January? If so that's a great start. How do you pay for the house now if he isn't working and contributing? It sounds really hard but we can help you figure this out.

TheOnlyBeeInYourBonnet · 18/10/2022 03:12

While it would be useful to be able to drive, I think the real barrier here is your job.

It sounds like you need to look for work which fits with childcare hours and you can get to by walking or public transport. That's going to be much, much cheaper than getting your licence and owning/running a car.

You can do this!

stonebraker · 18/10/2022 05:07

I don't have complete clarity on you situation about what are your plans for accommodation after your divorce. If you are moving out, you can consider looking for a place which s walking distance both from your work place and nursery. Getting driving lessons to and back sounds like a win win situation too.
Maybe you can consider this as the first step to finding your independence, breaking away from the dependency you have on your husband. It's hard, costs money, and complicated, but once you have sorted this out you will feel like you've taken a big step forward in your journey and it will give you strength as you proceed.

UserError012345 · 18/10/2022 05:38

I know it seems massively overwhelming but you will come through this. Break it down into small steps that will help you to achieve your plan.

I would say that it's important to keep your job as long as you can. That will help you in the long run if you need to claim help https://www.entitledto.co.uk

Why isn't he working? How are the bills being paid? Do you own or rent? If own, is there any equity in the property?

Also you say you can't afford to learn to drive but also that you have your test in January.

Do you have any friends and family that could help you while you make the move ?

It would be easier if he moved out. Does he know you're unhappy? If you are in danger, contact Women's Aid.

Good luck Flowers

pompomsontheceiling · 18/10/2022 05:39

You'll be surprised what you are entitled to so find that out first.

lovelilies · 18/10/2022 05:42

You can do it. And once you have, you'll wonder why you didn't do it sooner!

A different job, that's more childcare friendly.

Sell the house. Contact Womens Aid if he is abusive, they will be able to help you unravel everything

LemonTT · 18/10/2022 07:44

Your problems all stem from where you live. It limits you on job opportunities, public transport and access to the type of childcare you need.

if you split and divorce you can use your share of the assets to find a different home in a better location. It doesn’t need to be very far from your ex if he wants to Co parent.

it is far better to get this sorted now because one the child starts school ties to that community will be deeper.

You can split and remain living together. It won’t be for ever and yes it will be uncomfortable. But it is the start of a new life. Once you have your share of the equity you can go.

Original poster
Cc94 · 18/10/2022 10:49

To everyone asking, he doesn't work because he finds work very difficult. He's quite a slow person, maybe on the spectrum. I originally wanted to pull the baby from nursery for him to be at home and save money, but he wants to keep him full time which is taking a lot of our money
We own our house, I'd like to stay in both my job and in our community. I wouldn't be able to afford to buy again, even if we sold the house.
I have had several driving lessons and booked my test, but we have no money for me to continue so the plan at the moment is to just hope I pass in Jan having not had lessons for months.
Thank you all so much, I already feel the dread creeping in and the can't be bothered for this massive leap as he is so difficult, but I know it's the best thing for everyone

OP posts:
LemonTT · 18/10/2022 14:57

Cc94 · 18/10/2022 10:49

To everyone asking, he doesn't work because he finds work very difficult. He's quite a slow person, maybe on the spectrum. I originally wanted to pull the baby from nursery for him to be at home and save money, but he wants to keep him full time which is taking a lot of our money
We own our house, I'd like to stay in both my job and in our community. I wouldn't be able to afford to buy again, even if we sold the house.
I have had several driving lessons and booked my test, but we have no money for me to continue so the plan at the moment is to just hope I pass in Jan having not had lessons for months.
Thank you all so much, I already feel the dread creeping in and the can't be bothered for this massive leap as he is so difficult, but I know it's the best thing for everyone

You have to come to terms with the reality of being a single parent and the limitations it will place on your choices. something has to give and where you live doesn’t seem convenient for work or childcare. Plus you will probably have to sell the house to split up if he is unemployed.

Roobles79 · 22/10/2022 17:57

@cc94 how are you doing? I'm interested as I'm in a similar situation and know I need to separate. Sending strength.

Original poster
Cc94 · 29/10/2022 16:55

Hello, so we had "the talk", an actual rational explanation of why I feel I want to separate, rather than the usual which is me reaching breaking point, us screaming at each other and me leaving.
It's very awkward at the mo, as we have to live together, but the relief I feel (other than the stress of trying to work out what's going to happen now) is amazing. I feel free, I feel like I don't have to answer to anyone, I feel like I have time to myself, I feel like a person again. Okay, it was only last night that I worked up the courage to do it, and hopefully this isn't just the excitement of having truly done something for myself, but I'm hoping I can stick it out and not relent as he's being very depressive, crying and acting like it's a big old shock to him after years of me doing everything by myself. I really recommend you do it, if not for you, for your kids because the one thing I don't want is for my kid to learn to treat women the way I've allowed myself to be treated for years

OP posts:
FlowerArranger · 29/10/2022 17:00

I'm glad you were able to to get started, and it looks like you have the right attitude to keep things moving forward. Keep strong - it will get better! 💐

Original poster
Cc94 · 29/10/2022 19:16

Thank you, my lovely. I am definitely more clear headed and a better mam etc when we are separated, even though he's only downstairs lol

OP posts:
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