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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Separation

18 replies

Itoastthereforeiam · 17/10/2022 22:50

My partner announced last Monday that he wants to separate. Several conversations since, he's made up his mind. We have a 4 year old, just started school.

He wants to stay in our house and buy me out.
House is worth c. £250k, joint tenants. Mortgage is £90k he put in a much larger contribution when we moved in so he wants to stay here (as it's 'his home') buy me out with my deposit + half increase in equity - around £25-30k.

I'm absolutely shattered, I've looked on right move and realistically I'm going to have to move to a little two bed with no garden in a not very nice area whilst he stays here in our lovely home that I've done so much to make it nice and our daughter considers home. I work full time but feeling really panicky about how I'm going to make ends meet - particularly with the cost of living crisis and interest rises. the area of the NHS I'm in is only offering fixed term contracts until next October so I don't even know if I can get a mortgage.

He's adamant he's not leaving this house, wants it all his way and for nothing in his life to change except me not being here. As usual he's being really detached from everything. I'm trying to keep focused on how lovely it will be not having to live with him anymore but my heart is breaking at him tearing apart our family and telling me I have to leave my home.

OP posts:

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 17/10/2022 22:59

It’s so tough. I take it you’re not married? When you bought the house did you have an agreement for if you split? Do you think the settlement is fair? Where will your daughter live in the future - what will the arrangements be for her?

But you did say it - it will be amazing to be separated and independent. You can make your new home just as lovely and your daughter will always think that home is where you are.

Original poster

Itoastthereforeiam · 17/10/2022 23:35

Thank you for replying.
No we're not married, I wanted to but he didn't. There's no agreement with the house, legally we own 50-50. I don't know whether to try and I'm take more than my share but I don't think that's fair even though it would make life easier.

It doesn't feel fair for him to stay here, it would feel much fairer to sell the house but I'm thinking it will probably be easier for me if he buys me out and probably better for our daughter. Ideal situation would be for him to just bloody move out to his mums for a bit after dropping this on me.

He says he wants 50-50 care of our daughter but the irony of it all is he hates family life and has said on more than one occasion he regrets her. He will make sure he doesn't pay maintenance and tbh I'd rather her be with me wanted and loved than with him so he doesn't have to pay.

OP posts:

Wish44 · 17/10/2022 23:50

Don't leave. Don't do what he wants. It's 50% your house He has probably been planning this for ages. Say you won't be going anywhere until you have considered all the options etc.

You will still be in the mind set of trying to be nice and reasonable to him. Don't. He is not thinking of you at all.

Good luck op. The situation is awful. I have been there . I insisted the house be sold. I couldn't tolerate the idea of him getting our lovely home.

NoodleSoup12 · 17/10/2022 23:58

OP, I’m so sorry, what an awful lot to land on you! I second @Wish44 and some of the other posters — stay in your home. It’s easier for men to be entitled and women to acquiesce because that’s the way it’s often been (ie a patriarchy!). Think of all the women 50 or 100 years ago who never got the opportunity to own their house and so had no say in this situation. You DO own your house. You are in (almost) the best position you could be in. Don’t throw away a winning hand. It could be tough, but equally it could not be — how about playing the game as he is, coolly saying what you want and then doing it. So either stay and then… going about staying. Or, look into putting the house on the market. Get it valued. Put your proposal to him in writing. Say in front of his parents and your friends, “we think we’ll sell the house.” You DO have the power. You DO own your house. Feel it in your gut. And make your daughter(s?) proud.

LemonTT · 18/10/2022 00:06

You bought the house as a joint asset. There was nothing stopping him from defining a different ownership under a tenants in common agreement. He didn’t. That’s a mistake he will need to live with.

It would be unadvisable for either of you to move out, especially now. You both need the equity from the home. If one of you leaves the other will hang onto the house for as long as they can depriving the other of equity. The options are a house sale or a buy out. The buy out value for either of you is c£70k.

For either of you that would be a considerable increase in borrowing and repayment. It might not be affordable.

Don’t move out and then find out he can’t get a mortgage and pay you.

Remember a smaller property will be cheaper to run.

millymollymoomoo · 18/10/2022 07:33

Agree with lemonTT
he absolutely should have ringfenced his deposit a mistake he will regret
morally he’s right , legally not

re 5050 childcare you’ll both have to agree on how this could work and what’s best for child

if he can afford to buy you out (50%) unless you agree something different he would be allowed to most likeky.

KangarooKenny · 18/10/2022 07:35

Go to a solicitor and get your 50%. And be careful what you tell him, it should be a need to know basis.

ringsaglitter · 18/10/2022 07:42

@KangarooKenny I second this. Need to know basis, and keep your home. You made it nice, he's the one calling it quits, he goes.

Rainbowbub22 · 18/10/2022 07:47

Go to a solicitar if you can afford too if not go to see citizens advise. You would certainly be entitled to 50% share and I think you would find that you are actually entitled to stay in the house until your child is 18. Seek advise OP

KangarooKenny · 18/10/2022 07:49

You are not taking more than your share, you are taking what you are legally entitled to.
Moving forward that money will go towards a better home for your child, and possibly she will inherit it in the future.
Her father shouldn’t want her living in a hovel when she’s with you.
Put it in the hands of a solicitor, and leave it to them.

Original poster

Itoastthereforeiam · 18/10/2022 10:30

Thanks everyone, not the replies I was expecting. I've spoken to three people IRL about the financial situation and two of them thought it was unfair to consider taking more than the £25k, it's only my mum who thinks I should take the 50% to ensure I'm properly set up. It's purely in regards to housing my daughter properly. I imagine he could get a solicitor to contest the 50-50 though?
I won't be leaving the house until I have bought another house, however long that may be.

You will still be in the mind set of trying to be nice and reasonable to him. Don't. He is not thinking of you at all.
This is a good reminder, thank you! You are correct, he definitely isn't thinking about me - just about how to get me gone!

I will look into a solicitor/citizens Advice to see where I stand with it all.

OP posts:

Wish44 · 18/10/2022 10:55

It's heart breaking isn't it? I remember that feeling: that he wanted his life to stay exactly the same but just to cut me out leaving a woman shaped hole. I couldn't understand how he just couldn't care about me anymore. Turns out there was another woman that I didn't know about who he wanted to slot into the vacancy ... not sure if that's the same in your situation.

Your ex is being totally unrealistic about how this will all pan out and will get a shock when you don't just do what he wants. He will get a total shock when he is expected to financially provide for his dc.

Keep your DC at the centre of all your decisions. Good luck. I am 7 years after now and it all seems like a long time ago. You will get through this x

Original poster

Itoastthereforeiam · 18/10/2022 11:16

Yes, that exactly how it feels. It is heartbreaking. I don't understand how he can care so little when we've had many years together and I'm the mother of his child. Yet it feels like all that matters to him out of all that is money.

He says there isn't anyone else, but time will tell. I have a feeling there is more to this.

I'm sorry you went through this too, I hope things are much better now!

I'm just trying to focus on what a happy love filled home I'm going to have at the end of this, wherever we end up living.

OP posts:

GreenManalishi · 18/10/2022 11:18

Sit tight and see a solicitor. You will get a lot of advice, and most of it will be rubbish. You need to fully back yourself now financially as you won't get a chance to go back and negotiate a settlement again. Don't take his word for anything now, he is not your friend. It doesn't sound likely that he will acheive 5050, much easier said than done in my experience, and easily said to minimise maintenence.

I fully understand the panic at the thought of tearing the family apart, but be kind to yourself, try and focus on the peace you will feel when you turn the key in your own front door. Your next home may be small but it will be yours, and you will create a happy loving home for you and your girl, no matter where it is.

cavi1 · 18/10/2022 11:24

Men generally don't leave until there's at least a possibility of someone else. I'm sorry OP. I don't have any advice but you must be feeling devastated right now so I didn't want to say nothing. As others have said, don't be nice because that's how you think you should be. You need to put you and your DD first.

Original poster

Itoastthereforeiam · 29/11/2022 13:37

Just come back to update that he has met someone else, suspicions were correct.
We are still living together and been getting on ok but he has just told me about her because he wants to go away with her for a few days in December 🙄🙄

OP posts:

Randomperson99 · 29/11/2022 15:48

Morally he should keep his share. How about being moral instead of grabby?

Petran · 29/11/2022 15:56

Morally he's been off sleeping with someone else by the sound of things random99
You have a child together, she is your priority - I'd get every single penny I could from him now, and make a life for yourself and your daughter. Doesn't really matter what him or his friends think, or yours for that matter - your Mum is right. If it was just the pair of you, I'd say differently, but you have your child to think about.

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