I need a plan but can't think straight... help me work it out?

[Pumpkinspicey]

Been in a very unhappy relationship with my childrens father for 4 years (10 in total) and I need to leave him. We are not married because he's had me over a barrel on that too.

I've been in counselling for the 4 years that I've been unhappy, finding ways to work through but my counsellor and I agree that it has come to the final straw. I feel nothing for him than contempt. He is a manipulative head fucker who will never change. Aside from this, he also has ASD and does not like change. He is throwing in every barrier possible to make this separation impossible.

I have no family support and nowhere to go for an interim period whilst everything is sorted out, he has his parents palatial property to go to, where he would be welcomed back with open arms but he won't leave his castle.

I have two children with autism who can not deal with change either, so I really only need to move once with them if possible. To rent somewhere and then go on to buy somewhere would be too much upheaval.

I want to put the house on the market but he has left DIY jobs half finished purposely so that I can't get valuers in to put the house on the market. Money is tight despite me increasing my working hours this year because of the increase in the cost of living. Our mortgage recently increased by around 35%. He however has taken a demotion at work at the same time that I've taken on more hours, so we're no richer and we can't afford to get workmen in to complete his unfinished DIY which includes a hole in the wall upstairs.

I feel trapped and can't get out.

He keeps telling me that separation is "impossible, sorry" because of our financial situation. I've done mortgage calculations and I can afford a small property for me and the children if we could get this house sold (4 bed detached) but he's making it impossible.

My counsellor said it's time to draw up a plan. I'm sat with an empty piece of paper wondering where I even begin?

You can sell the house. But what you get for it will be affected by the current condition. See a family/divorce solicitor as your first step. Get an estate agent in and explain the condition of the place and get a valuation that reflects this. That's two steps you could take tomorrow.

How much would it cost to get contractors in to put right the bodged DIY? Could you afford to get them in and then sell?

you would need to sell the house as is, and accept it won’t be sold for as much without the pending jobs.

get it valued anyway, get a solicitor and prepare to leave. Hopefully you’ll get child support, so you should be a little better off than you are now.

My counsellor is also a mediator and she says that getting solicitors involved can turn relationships stale and has advised me to avoid this unless absolutely necessary. Thing is, I think that's partly what's keeping me locked in. At the moment I have a very civil relationship with him for the sake of the children. She says she's seen this turn stale all too often once solicitors are involved.

What does ‘turn stale’ mean? You might have a ‘civil’ relationship but he’s stonewalling you and being actively unhelpful. What benefit to your relationship being ‘fresh’?

Could you look at a few you tube videos and finish the outstanding jobs yourself? Otherwise aim to save a small amount each month and ask a local handyman to do the jobs over a few months? Meanwhile set up your own life in the spare room just to avoid talking to him.

@Pumpkinspicey I'm unclear on the reason you'd get solicitors involved at this point as you're not married therefore there's nothing to 'divide' here other than the equity in the house (if you hold as tenants in common, with a declaration of trust - which I very much hope is the case). Child arrangements can be done through solicitors, but that's a costly way if doing it.
In that sense the counsellor is right, mediation is probably the best first step. If he simply won't budge or attend mediation then you might need to start using legal means to remove him from the property but that is the nuclear option.
I would:
1 Check what shares you hold the house in.
2 Get it valued as it is now
3 Get a valuation for if the work had been completed
4 get a quote for getting the work done
5 check what CMS payments you'd be entitled to from him
6 check whether you're entitled to any benefits
7 find examples of suitable property to buy for you and the children with what you can afford based on your share of the house and your income
8 sit down with him and lay all the above out ask whether he wants to buy you out, finish the work, pay someone else to finish the work or sell as is.
9 go and repeat the entire conversation you had with him with his parents
If they have financial wriggle room they may help him but you out, or lend you both the money to get the work done, if it will increase the sale value more than the cost of the work.

The key to all this is dealing with him as if the separation is a done deal, the only conversation is about how you offload the house.