What's legal... what's fair?

[PeanutBellyJam]

I want to separate from my DH. We've been married 5 years. We have 2 children. Both under 5. Neither at school full time yet. DH owned his house when we got together, the deeds and mortgage is in his name only. He was the main earner until he was made redundant. I've been working part time since and more recently full time as main salaried earner. He has been self employed for the last 1.5 years. I want the marriage to end and I want to move out. I've struggled with letting my kids down and hurting their lives and I'm so torn but I'm not in love with him. Some of his behaviour is emotionally abusive but I carry ALOT of childhood trauma so am not the easiest person to connect with. I want to stay amicable. I want to co-parent. I want to be able to leave with something to help me set up a home too. We have a small amount of savings. The family house has an interest only mortgage of about 100k and equity of about 250k. I don't want to take his house but I do want to be able to set up a home for our children. I am going to move out if I'm brave enough and rent. He will never leave the house. He has family near with room for him but he won't move out. I don't but to help keep things amicable I have to make that choice. Im the default parent but he does pick up quite a bit of childcare around my working hours so I have to be nearby but I do want to move towns. I hate where we live. I never chose it and can't connect to it. Am I being fair to want to get money from the home to help me buy somewhere on my own? And to move towns if we agree 50/50 custody? Can I even do that?

If you move towns how realistic is 50/50 custody especially when the kids start school - how far away are you thinking and would you be able to transport the kids back and forth?

There’s a vast difference between often what’s morally fair and what’s legally ‘fair’

its impossible to know what’s fair here in all reality

as you are married all assets and debts will be included in the marital pot for division, even pre ownrd and a presumption of 50:50 split

this will then be amended up or Dian based on factors such as

length of marriages
ages
earning potential of both parties
childcare responsibilities

housing of children take priority but won’t leave one party with 99% split and the other with 1%

both parties will be expected to maximise income to afford a clean break as soon as possible

if needs can be met without drawing on pre owned assets they could be excluded ( doesn’t sound that’s the case here)

50:50 childcare means his housing needs are the same as yours
50:50 childcare will also mean no child maintenance and make it very difficult for either party to move to another town in all reality especially when at school and clubs

I don’t know the legal side but giving a man’s perspective of what’s ‘fair’, and what I would want.
I would try and work out what the two of you have built since you got together. So if the house equity has increased by £50k then you should both get £25k.
I don’t think it’s fair that you should get half of everything as you brought nothing in to start with.
also if you are the one that wants out you should be the one to move out.
That said he clearly has responsibilities. You should take your £25k(?) and use it as a deposit on a new place and get a fair amount of support for your children,(not for you).
I’m a firm believer in equality so work out if you were to reverse the situation and put yourself in his shoes for example, if he said to you “I want I’m not in love with you I want you to move out and I want you to pay for the house and the children and give me money to support me”, how would you feel? Would that sound fair to you?
clearly the situation with children Involved is what is best for them , what hours does he work? What hours do you work? What would be the best split in terms of custody? All of that will determine the amount of support required in either direction.