Is it possibly to break up amicably?

[CoffeeGirl]

Hi all. I want to leave my partner, we aren't married but we do have 4 children together the youngest being 6 months.

He doesn't want to break up, but I can't be with him anymore he's not nice to be in a relationship with and I'm done.
He's a good dad though, and I'd like to break up amicably, be able to still be around each other during birthday's and Christmas. Is it even possible to still remain friendly when the break up isn't a mutual thing?
I don't want it to be messy like my parents divorce.

Any tips would be great, thanks.

My ex didn't want to split but we still managed an amicable break up. He thought I had met someone else, it seems few men leave a marriage unless there is another woman so it was an assumption rather than a real suspicion. I left him to get over that but we did discuss children and childcare. Once he realised I wasn't going straight into another relationship he was less angry. Our conversations always stayed amicable. I was clear that we wouldn't ever get back together. We are 5 years on now and still friends. We have Christmas together and have even gone away with kids together. Our kids have SN so it's difficult to manage them alone
I've had other relationships now and we've stayed the same

It’s hard when one party does not want to, or one party thinks financials are one sided etc and emotions can run raw

its perfect possible to remain on good terms but that often comes with space and time

My STBEXH left me and 3 young children out of the blue. Not mutual. That being said whist I'm angry and sad and hurt my interactions with him are pretty amicable. I think I've been entirely too nice. But I don't actually have the energy to be a cow about it all. I actually deep down feel relieved it's over

I left my exdp 4 years ago, as living together in a blended family became unbearable. We have a DD together and, whilst it's been tough (especially with him introducing new partners to her the second he meets them), we co-parent better apart than we ever did when we were together. We are both flexible around access and share costs towards school uniform/big expenses; more importantly we show a united front - I would never say anything derogatory towards him in front of our daughter and vice versa.

I know a couple like this. They get on much better now they're divorced. She house sits for him with the kids, their arrangements with the kids are loose, fluid. She's so much happier with her new man.

I don't have personal experience of this, but I have supported my DB through a break up. I think it isn't always easy at first, but if both parties are committed then an amicable relationship going forward is possible. My DB and DSIL have been brilliant co parents, both remarried and attended each others' weddings and regularly get together at extended family events.

I think it really depends on the personalities and the reason why you want to leave.

I want things to be amicable, my husband says he wants to be amicable. But the reason I want to leave is because he is controlling and emotionally abusive.

So as soon as I say or do something he doesn’t like, he just explodes. He keeps changing his mind about things and plays the victim. He has finally agreed to sell the marital home, but insists on dealing with the estate agents solo. He has made a list of the work that needs doing (mostly his unfinished Diy jobs going back to 2007)., but other stuff I don’t think need doing. I’m considering just doing it all his way for the sake of peace.

So yes, it can be amicable if one party is willing to let the other have things their way.

STBXH and I are fairly amicable. I suggested the separation but he knew it was coming. I mean, he was also very controlling and it took some time to relinquish that control..but honestly, after he moved out, it was like he got bored of me standing up for myself and just gave up! We are amicable about childcare - I did have to push back a bit when he started trying to cut his time with her short. But we’ve been fair about custody. The finances..it’s okay. He’s met someone else. I’m not jealous. I do resent that he’s made some of the changes he needed to do, that he did after we split..but then maybe he couldn’t while he was married to me? Can’t see that many of the changes are sustainable anyway.
so yeah, we are about as amicable as we can be but I still think he’s a knob 😂

@ThisWormHasTurned my OH is a decent guy, he's just quite coercive and subtly guilt trips me often. I'm not happy with him anymore and I feel like he's holding me back from making more out of my life.
I think if he would be able to we'd be able to co parent well, and still be friends too. I think we'd be better friends than we ever were in a relationship. Me leaving has been a long time coming, it wouldn't be totally out of the blue, but he definitely doesn't want me to leave him and he's convinced me not to multiple times. (Not this time). I'm just worried that he could cause problems because he didn't want me to leave him, and that would make it harder to be amicable. I don't know how he's going to react.

But I can say the thought of me moving out and having my own place actually feels like a huge relief, and I'm excited for that. Just got to wait a few months to get everything in order.

Sounds incredibly similar to us! The bad moods, saying he was fine with me going out with friends and then creating arguments before I went out! He’s not the worst. He loves our daughter. He’s not shafted me financially (could have gone after my pension but he hasn’t), he pays over the expected amount for maintenance. I just couldn’t bear to live with him any more

Posted too soon!
I kept sighing once he moved out. It felt like I could breathe again after so long of holding my breath. It’s like a literal weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I can feel how much lighter I am. I walk taller. I’m more confident. People can see it. One friend said He was dragging you down. He was.
I hope you can get there too.

We were amicable until he got a new partner and then we were no longer allowed to be friends, there was a stage when I wasn’t allowed to text or call and had to email because she was so insecure and couldn’t cope. It’s a shame, we were great friends but now (even though I am allowed to call again) I do what I can to avoid him and make our time together as short as possible. In short yes it is possible if you both want and prioritise it, but you have no control of what third parties will bring. I never dreamed ex DH would go out with someone like his new partner, and it makes me doubly glad I left as it shows his questionable judgement. I wish you luck!

It concerns me that he's already controlling, my exh got much much worse after we split, I have always tried to be amicable but he did everything he could to delay the divorce (5 years!!) I've realised recently that the coercive control started during the relationship, it's been really really hard, police have been involved since we split

@MissSmiley luckily we aren't married so we don't have to go through any legalities, and he wouldn't push for full custody I don't think because his job is 50 hours a week and there's no way he'd he able to cope with the 6mo at night or while at work. I'm happy to arrange as much of a 50/50 as we can with his work shift, bar the baby staying the night as she's breastfed.
In reality that 50/50 would probably look like him having them on his days off, and maybe sometimes for the night when he finishes before they go to bed.
He often starts at 11 and finishes at 9 though, or starts at 12 and doesn't finish until 11:30, so over night on a work day is highly unlikely. Maybe before work on days he starts at 12 or starts at 5.

I don't really know, best I can do is guess, but people don't always react like you think they might.

Just like a previous poster, I thought I was going through an amicable separation until my ex got a new partner. I was devastated. We had been living apart but getting on better than ever, spending time together as a family. I think I hoped that one day we would get back together so finding out he was actively looking for a new partner the whole time broke me. I am now being civil for the sake of the children but actually can't bear to look at him. I don't see myself being able to be friendly again without reading something more into it. I am guessing an amicable separation is possible if you are both on the same page with your feelings, but if one partner is still in love it's not going to work.

@Findingmeagain I don't think I'd care if he got a new girlfriend as long as he introduces us so I know who my kids might be spending time with. I can't say he'd feel the same way about me getting with someone new, but I'm also not planning on putting myself out there immediately, I'd like to figure out single mum life before thinking about getting with someone else. I imagine by the time I'm ready to do that we'd have been broken up for long enough for it not to matter too much. And when it does I'd want to introduce them so he knows who would be around his children.

But me finding someone new is highly unlikely for quite a long time. I'm only 23, men my age don't want someone with kids lol, and I don't want a party boy. I'm quite content with being single, and he can do what he wants as long as it doesn't harm the children mentally or physically.

My STBEXH visited today to see the kids and got to say im feeling less and less amicable 😂 and more and more angry, I'd actually be happy if I never saw him again! . I've realised I don't even know this man even though we were together nearly 20 years and married for half that time. It's an odd feeling leaving my children with a man I barely know. (Although I know that sounds irrational!) Having pondered on my feelings today im not sure we are or even one day will ever be friends.