Post separation abuse?

[MondayAdams]

In the process of divorcing. I filed after realising he had been emotionally abusive. That was nearly a year ago. I want to get everything sorted but STBXH delaying everything and I’m told a final hearing might be a year.

For the last year he has ignored me. Even in front of our primary age DC he pretends I don’t exist. He communicates with me via email, but doesn’t always reply, even if it is important (e.g. arrangements for school holidays).

I feel completely broken by being ignored.

Any advice/support would really welcome.

I really feel for you, and don’t want your post to go unanswered.

his ignoring of you probably hurts now because his emotional abuse has left you in a bad place, and still dependent on him for approval. That takes quite a lot of time to dissipate (I had thr same thing).

He is doing it because he knows, and sees, that it hurts you. He is angry because you are divorcing him, and this is his way of retaining power and control over you.

as time goes on, and as you start to heal, it will start to matter less. And in fact, it is a good thing, as the less contact you have with him, thr quicker you can heal.

so for thr moment, just concentrate on yourself and your own recovery. Look up ‘grey rock’ for disengaging with him. And however much it hurts, try not to show it - this lessons his power over you.

good luck x

I am currently living with my STBXH in our marital home Our adult child has left home. I instigated the divorce for similar reasons.

It is very difficult and you have my sympathy. My problem is that my husbands is used to having it all his own way, so he is very angry and any conversation can turn into an argument at the drop of a hat. I tried standing up for myself but that made things worse, so I’m back to agreeing or saying “I’ll think about it” before leaving the room.

Being ignored completely must be hard especially when it causes practical difficulties. I want it all to be over so I can move out and move on. He has just wasted 6 months by changing his mind about selling the marital home. It looks like it will be another six months before I can leave because of a situation he has control of. I am also going grey rock and hoping as time goes on his anger will dissipate and we can be at least civil.

All I feel I can do at the moment is be patient and endure. I plan the letter I will send him when this is all over and I can safely tell him my honest thoughts.

I take each day as it comes. Now he has agreed to sell the house I can keep busy with cleaning and some decorating. Talking to girlfriends really helps.

As the poster said, ignoring you is his only power. He is possibly more broken that you if you but knew it. If someone is an emotional abuser, it’s often because they have an emptiness inside of them that compels them to behave in a bullying way. Don’t be broken, be strong. Practice being the women you will be for the rest of your life.

He has to deal with the fact that it is now common knowledge that he is so unpleasant that you would rather divorce than stay with him. Ignoring you is the very last vestige of his emotional abuse. Don’t give him the satisfaction of letting him see it upsets you. Find your anger if you can and fake it til you make it.

My ex was / is like this. I’ve always talked to him at drop off very pleasantly etc, even if he completely ignores me / doesn’t respond. It’s was / is horrible but I’ve tried to make it as easy as possible for our child. I never ever let it show if he upsets me nor do I respond to offensive comments/ behaviour. Sometimes it takes a lot to not snap… it’s hard when they won’t respond to communication around contact or the children, i was fortunate our order is very prescriptive so there are very few times when I need his input on days. He’s impalpably uncooperative around anything to do with our child so I gave up trying to coparent years ago.

A good thing to bear in mind is you can only control how you behave. Engage only as much as you have to.