Trial Separation in same home

Freeflight · 2022-10-07T22:47:11+00:00

Been with dh 16 years, married 9 with two kids 9 and 3. Dh was unfaithful a long time ago and due to his lack of remorse and various ongoing issues I feel I want to separate. We have had some counselling together and it felt like we had agreed that it wasn't working as it is sexless. Now he has decided its not his choice, but knows that if I decide to separate there is little he can do. I told him a few nights ago that I don't think what we have is a marriage anymore and we should start on that path. We own a home together, no spare room, no finances for one of us to be able to move out. At the moment we are still sleeping in the same bed, opposite sides because it's normal for the kids and there isn't anywhere else to sleep as our sofa isn't comfy/big enough to sleep on. Anyone have any advice on how to slowly move forward with separation in these circumstances? At the moment it's important for things to remain as they are for the kids as much as possible so it means mealtimes together and co parenting like nothing has really changed. We get on well still so everything will still seem normal for them.

freesia86 · 07/10/2022 23:54

It is very very difficult to continue to live with someone once you have actually put it out on the table that you are going to live separate lives. Does one of you have parents nearby who you can go to until the house is sold and you can get your own places?

Original poster

Freeflight · 08/10/2022 06:51

@freesia86 unfortunately the only ones close are dhs parents and they don't have the space and are too far for us to maintain routine for the kids (dh works from home so can do the school run, but inlaws live too far to continue that)

OP posts:

ReeseWitherfork · 08/10/2022 06:56

So sorry to hear you’re going through this OP. I don’t have any sensible suggestions. My friend and her XH managed to do this with a spare room relatively successfully until her XH started seeing someone. Otherwise sensible bloke but apparently it wasn’t obvious to him that this wasn’t OK while they were still living together. So all I’d say is some hard ground rules about what you expect of each other, don’t just assume you’re on the same page.

LemonTT · 08/10/2022 08:14

You are basically in a dead marriage staying together for the sake of the kids. Nothing is changing. What does a trial separation mean to you and to him?

Do you want to have a relationship with someone else? Does he? Can you both handle that?

Original poster

Freeflight · 08/10/2022 08:46

@LemonTT I would agree it is a dead marriage. We are good friends with kids. I don't want intimacy from him, but we do still get along well.
He will see this differently as he would like to get back on track and get intimacy back.
I am trying to encourage him to start to socialise (he works from home and only interacts with friends online or via WhatsApp) as I actually don't think I am a good partner for him either and think he would be much happier finding a relationship elsewhere.
I think I'd really like it if he met someone. It would take away the pressure and guilt of knowing that at the moment this feels very one sided and prove that there can be happiness after divorce.
I think I would like to meet someone else, someone who wouldn't do such a shitty thing to me. I don't have any one in mind, I haven't met someone, but I like the idea that someone else lies in my future.

OP posts:

LemonTT · 08/10/2022 09:38

That sounds more like an open marriage. Which are fraught with difficulties if you aren’t to accept the realities of that situation.

Think giggling phone calls, open liaisons and new partners who will want disrupt your marriage. You might be envious rather than jealous is he finds that before you. Most people cannot cope with this arrangement even where there is no love.

KangarooKenny · 08/10/2022 09:41

Why don’t you start divorce proceedings ?
Speaking to a solicitor would help you sort your finances out.

Hitatiks · 08/10/2022 09:44

LemonTT · 08/10/2022 09:38

That sounds more like an open marriage. Which are fraught with difficulties if you aren’t to accept the realities of that situation.

Think giggling phone calls, open liaisons and new partners who will want disrupt your marriage. You might be envious rather than jealous is he finds that before you. Most people cannot cope with this arrangement even where there is no love.

This sounds nothing like an open marriage!

This is no longer a marriage, complicated by the H wanting it to be.

I really think if the marriage is over you need to stop sharing a bed, your husband needs that signal. Buy a sofa bed. One of you can sleep on that.

Your options are to leave this half life, which is likely to grow increasingly unsatisfactory for both of you, or have a serious think about how to downsize your lives and separate.

Hitatiks · 08/10/2022 09:47

ReeseWitherfork · 08/10/2022 06:56

So sorry to hear you’re going through this OP. I don’t have any sensible suggestions. My friend and her XH managed to do this with a spare room relatively successfully until her XH started seeing someone. Otherwise sensible bloke but apparently it wasn’t obvious to him that this wasn’t OK while they were still living together. So all I’d say is some hard ground rules about what you expect of each other, don’t just assume you’re on the same page.

Sorry, I think it was your friend who was not sensible. Saying, ‘we are no longer in a relationship, but we live in the same house, but you can’t see anyone else’ is just daftly unrealistic and weirdly controlling. Ex’s don’t get to dictate their previous partner’s dating lives!

If you have agreed to separate you have to understand what that means!

WeneedSamVimesonthecase · 08/10/2022 09:58

There's a thing I've heard of called nesting - basically, you rent a small flat or room, then alternate who stays there and who's in the family home with the kids. That way the DC aren't swapping homes every few days, and have a bit more stability/normality while they get used to the idea that mum and dad aren't together anymore.

Could you do that for six months, say, while you decide whether the separation is permanent?

Original poster

Freeflight · 08/10/2022 10:54

I don't think we can afford an additional property at the moment. If we sold where we are we would maybe be able to get a flat each but more than likely we could only rent and even then I think that would be more than what we pay together on our mortgage so it seems financially silly.
No space for a sofa bed unless we push the kids to share a room or one of us sleeps in their room with them.
Maybe one of those is an option? We could sell it as one of us snoring too much so it is less disruptive for them until we decide if separation is permanent.
I think I'm just scared and full of fear because it is a one sided separation.

OP posts:

Randomcommentary · 08/10/2022 11:02

I don’t really under trial separations. What do they mean?

surely if you are trialling being separated then you can date/have sex with other people? Will you and your husband both be doing that? Can you go back to normal afterwards? He’s already cheated and shows no remorse.

will you be living in a single person budget, doing all the childcare etc on your days etc

Just separate and stop dragging out the inevitable. No-one in your scenario is happy. What’s the point? Are you and your children REALLY happier now than if you separated from their father.

Schoolchoicesucks · 08/10/2022 12:11

WeneedSamVimesonthecase · 08/10/2022 09:58

There's a thing I've heard of called nesting - basically, you rent a small flat or room, then alternate who stays there and who's in the family home with the kids. That way the DC aren't swapping homes every few days, and have a bit more stability/normality while they get used to the idea that mum and dad aren't together anymore.

Could you do that for six months, say, while you decide whether the separation is permanent?

Yes, I know a couple who are doing this as a trial.

Not sure if they do decide to separate permanently whether they would continue with this - otherwise they would have to significantly downsize to buy 2 smaller homes. I can't imagine it working if either of them had a new relationship.

Renting a 1 bed flat isn't cheap, but trying to live in the same house, with no spare room while separating isn't going to be easy. I would go with the sofa bed option in the very short term - something needs to change as a signal the relationship is over.

Original poster

Freeflight · 08/10/2022 12:31

@Randomcommentary I think a trial is probably because we own a house and have kids. We are not just disrupting our own lives, there are others to consider.
I think if you don't have kids there would be no need for a trial separation, but the kids have to be a priority therefore we can't separate and get back together in some cycle.
Plus, I think I am scared because it is me making the choice. What if I am doing the wrong thing for everyone?

OP posts:

Randomcommentary · 08/10/2022 14:32

Freeflight · 08/10/2022 12:31

@Randomcommentary I think a trial is probably because we own a house and have kids. We are not just disrupting our own lives, there are others to consider.
I think if you don't have kids there would be no need for a trial separation, but the kids have to be a priority therefore we can't separate and get back together in some cycle.
Plus, I think I am scared because it is me making the choice. What if I am doing the wrong thing for everyone?

I understand what you’re saying. It’s not a nice situation at all. But my view is that a trial separation is not the same as a real separation. The consequences (good or bad) are not the same so it’s not worth trying. Trial separation is just a different type of limbo than the one you’re in. Only truly separating or staying together is the way to go.

Original poster

Freeflight · 08/10/2022 15:34

Well I've managed to get the kids excited about sharing a room so have spent the afternoon moving the bed out of one and into the other so at least we can have some space and get a sofa bed in there or something.

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loottie · 08/10/2022 15:39

That's great, a really good start.
I don't feel you are the one making the decision to separate, who wants to stay married to bloke who can't keep his dick out of other women? (sorry it's that's harsh)

But it sounds like he's handing over all the responsibility to resolve it.

Another reason you will be better off divorced.

Wardrobemalfunction22 · 09/10/2022 13:41

Sounds like you know this is the only option for now and at least its buying you time to decide what to do about the house in the longer term. But don't fall into a trap of old habits or routines while still all in one house.

Original poster

Freeflight · 09/10/2022 19:57

@Wardrobemalfunction22 i think that's the tricky bit as we have so many habits and routines. And trying to separate one's that are important for the kids to maintain normality and others that are just because they are easy and comfortable for us.

@loottie thanks. He is making more effort as a husband and dad, but only because of the situation. I'd asked for more help numerous times and he didn't step up, but now it's a separation he is trying. But you are right, that he is leaving the choice to me. I don't understand why he would want to stay in a sexless marriage though. Yet he isn't even considering that this is what it could be in the long run and if he is really happy with that.

OP posts:

Christinasmum1 · 19/06/2024 20:36

Hi@Freeflight.

I have read your story above and feel like I am going through a similar scenario. Your posts end in 2022. Where are you now with it all?

Original poster

Freeflight · 19/06/2024 21:02

Hi @Christinasmum1 surviving.
I told my husband that I wanted to separate in Jan 2023 and it was hard. He struggled to come to terms with it so I gave him as much time as I could. We kept it quiet from the kids until he was ready. We moved our kids to share a room so we could be separate. Which hasn't been ideal but needs must.
I had to tell his parents after 4-5 months as they were still unaware, even sending us happy anniversary cards and gifts.
Eventually he agreed to tell the kids in July 2023 and we were able to provide a united front for them. The youngest still doesn't understand but our 10 year old does. A lot of her friends come from separate households so after the initial shock and tears she has been amazing.
We've maintained much of the routine with the kids as a pair as we have been able to be amicable for the most part. We went on a family holiday in August getting 2 rooms and it worked fine.
We went through mediation in Sept/Oct last year and I am about to move out of the family home into my own house as mortgage hikes left us financially unable to live separately.
It's been a long slog, very hard at times, I've had to bite my tongue, and regularly have to let things go that infuriate me or seem to leave me worse off, but I've always focused on the bigger picture and the kids. Once it's all done it won't matter, and I can start my new life.
And after 18 months of being separated and living in the same family home we will imminently be apart and the divorce will finalised within the next month.
I'm not going to lie, it has pushed me to breaking point, and my mental and physical health has taken a battering, but it will be worth it and the past 18 months have only confirmed that I made the right decision as he has put his worst side forward at almost every turn.

OP posts:

throughthewoods · 19/06/2024 22:52

I'm in a similar boat but at the start of the journey. Good to know there's light at the end of the tunnel.

Christinasmum1 · 20/06/2024 01:06

Thank you for the update @Freeflight. Sending all my love to you and your family

sunflowrsngunpowdr · 20/06/2024 13:53

Freeflight · 19/06/2024 21:02

Hi @Christinasmum1 surviving.
I told my husband that I wanted to separate in Jan 2023 and it was hard. He struggled to come to terms with it so I gave him as much time as I could. We kept it quiet from the kids until he was ready. We moved our kids to share a room so we could be separate. Which hasn't been ideal but needs must.
I had to tell his parents after 4-5 months as they were still unaware, even sending us happy anniversary cards and gifts.
Eventually he agreed to tell the kids in July 2023 and we were able to provide a united front for them. The youngest still doesn't understand but our 10 year old does. A lot of her friends come from separate households so after the initial shock and tears she has been amazing.
We've maintained much of the routine with the kids as a pair as we have been able to be amicable for the most part. We went on a family holiday in August getting 2 rooms and it worked fine.
We went through mediation in Sept/Oct last year and I am about to move out of the family home into my own house as mortgage hikes left us financially unable to live separately.
It's been a long slog, very hard at times, I've had to bite my tongue, and regularly have to let things go that infuriate me or seem to leave me worse off, but I've always focused on the bigger picture and the kids. Once it's all done it won't matter, and I can start my new life.
And after 18 months of being separated and living in the same family home we will imminently be apart and the divorce will finalised within the next month.
I'm not going to lie, it has pushed me to breaking point, and my mental and physical health has taken a battering, but it will be worth it and the past 18 months have only confirmed that I made the right decision as he has put his worst side forward at almost every turn.

That's a nice update, I'm happy that you and your family are doing well.