Im at a crossroads, need an outsiders perspective

[Babiesmummy]

Background.....Been together 27yrs, married for 20yrs. We have 2 teenage girls 15,16 & a mad dog.
Our marriage has had lots of ups & downs over the years incl me losing contact with an older daughter who is now 27, he went through a breakdown 10yrs ago, I suffer with depression which was brought on by the loss of my daughter & his breakdown.
We relocated 18mths ago to Cornwall, our parents also did. My 15yr old has been diagnosed with mild depression & anxiety and is struggling at school & at home with her emotions, my 16yr old has anxiety and has worked so hard to achieve fab gcse results.

My husband decided to leave in June. I struggled because of the way he handled it & he left when i was at my lowest(switching antidepressants/ menopausal, I managed to pull myself up & dust my self down but then he saw all the positive steps i had made (losing weight, socialising, yoga & mentally stronger)& he decided he wanted to come back & try again mid Aug.
Since changing medication i feel like the old me & my libido has gone from 0-100 overnight. We have had many ups & downs since he was back & its mainly because he wasn't trying & i was, the sex & passion was back & was fantastic but I feel he also moved back because it was convenient. I was struggling with dog care, dealing with 2 teenagers aswell as working part-time, running the house & trying to deal with the breakdown of my marriage. He had moved in with his parents but works from home which was problematic.

Like a typical man, he struggled with his emotions until last night & has now sent me a message with everything thats not working for him. I have said to him for years that i felt that one day i would not be enough for him & that day has finally come 😥 After that, I think ive finally accepted there is no going back from this. I also think he is going through a midlife crisis !

So what to do next, i have said i need a divorce so i can get a clean break & move on emotionally, mentally & financially. He has said we can stay in the house & he will carry on paying the mortgage/bills while he is earning a good salary. I just don't know if i can do it, i will feel like i cant move on because he will probably work from the home office & dogsit, so i will be seeing him but the alternative is we move in with my mum (which will be a struggle emotionally because we dont have the best relationship) we are then 30-50mins away from school/college/jobs & where we have built our new lives. I wont be able to afford a place of my own, even after a divorce.

He earns 95k
I earn 5.5k
No assets other than the house, thats worth 500k with 300k equity
3k savings
His pension is only worth about 100k
Mine is negligible

There is a housing crisis down here with nowhere to rent. If i received 50% equity i could probably get a rundown 1bed flat for the 3 of us in the wrong location.
I know i would get child support but that would only be for a couple of years & possibly spousal support.
Our dog has seperation anxiety (cockapoo) & cant be left on his own. I have always relied on my husband working at home. So i will struggle to do any overtime or even get another job because of the dog. Ive even contemplated letting him go but that will break my heart even more.

I just don't know what to do for the best anymore 😥

You earn £5.5k a year?

Well, I guess your new life will involve you working full time. I don't think any of you will be happy trying to live in the same house, that's a recipe for everyone to be ill with stress and depression.

On the bright side, your teenagers are easily old enough to do the basics for themselves, they don't need you to be there to make their breakfast or walk them to school, and your ex can have the dog.

It sounds like your dh wants out of the marriage but wants to keep the house - unfortunately for him, life doesn't work like that. Don't assume that assets will be split 50:50, courts tend to look at affordability of housing for both parties.

You need to talk to a solicitor.

You need in increase your earnings. Your husband will have to look after the dog.

Emotional advice
everyone in your family suffers from MH problems. Everyone. There’s got to be a good chance that the common cause is the family structure. When single you turned yourself around. Did things with your time. Working more would be good for you.
A dog is not a good enough reason to be stuck in this dysfunction.

practical advice
On 2-3 years time a divorce will be worse for you. Your needs will be a one bed flat and a settlement will assume you can work ft. Being a carer for a dog won’t carry any weight. Relying on spousal maintenance is risky. He may lose his job or find ways to hide income. It will be taken into account against UC.

He might be genuine in his desire to house you. But thats for now. It will end. It won’t suit you to be a single women earning £5.5k.

Waiting to end this will cost you financially and emotionally.

There's no immediate danger for you or your children it seems like an amicable split so keep it that way. Speak with your husband. Tell him you need time to increase your earnings or get a work from home job on top. you both need to sell the house despite what he says and split the money. at the moment the housing market is rubbish so you need to speak to him as an adult like you know you both can and Discuss is he happy to give it a few months and see if the housing market improves if it doesn't you are no worse off. Yes living together for longer isnt great for you but if you have managed all these years what's a little more time for you to get things sorted. He will obviously have to take the dog you less you can find a work from home job or your going to have to have shared custody of the dog which I've heard people do, not recommended but people do it. I'm sorry this is happening to you but if divorce is the only option then you will get through it you already survived two months and was getting yourself out there and in with your life. You never know time does wonderful things for BOTH of you

Also ignore spousal maintenance that would be a bonus to you but don't count on it as a PP HAS said

Let him take the dog.

You did much better when single and he has dragged you back down. It seems the whole family has mental health issues so something needs to change.

Thank you for your input everyone.
He will he staying with my brother in law above a local pub.
I have no problem going fulltime and would fully intend to, aswell as the dog, my 15yr old is really struggling at school so i need to be available at the drop of a hat at the moment. He has proved he doesn't have the emotional capacity to be there for the kids, it has always been me doing everything apart from earning the money, I always used to joke that i was his PA at home !! Funnily enough he now wants to make them a priority, spending time with them, shouldering the responsibility, ferrying them around, trying to keep them inline, it never really bothered him before.
I can/will do more hours at work, my workplace can also offer 8 CBT sessions foc, which I have asked for. When I'm a bit stronger i will look for something fulltime.
Im just going to try and take 1day at a time & also work on me & my mental health so i can be there for my girls 💕

Sounds like a great plan OP. I'm sorry you are going through this but just stay strong and level headed like you have been and embrace that he is being more active in your children's life. It doesn't have to be messy. And well done for putting yourself forward for some CBT and as for your 25 year old I hope whatever the problem is you can all work through it. Good luck

15 year old that should say.

As others have said

you need to go full time
sort the dogs separation anxiety ( it can be done )
Your husband cannot pay fir you and the house indefinitely so you both need to have a plan for the next 1-2 years in terms of how you increase your earnings and what a split might look like

I think reality might be kicking in with him. He thinks he can just go & rent a 1bed flat in Cornwall for £800pm, he has always left me to do anything with money/ mortgage/ bills/ house move etc etc. He wont know he will be tied into a contract for x months, if its still available it probably wont accept a dog. If its still available he would have to snap it up quick & he wont be able to make that decision not knowing what is going to happen over the next few months. I think he has buried his head in the sand for so long with finances and let me do it all he really hasnt a clue. Also he cant cook, never cleans, hardly ever washes or irons.
What a catch he will be 🤣🤣

With all due respect, he is sllowed to leave if he’s really not happy. People fall out of love etc. that doesn’t make him an Unfeeling bastard

of course, you have a right to feel scared, hurt, worried etc but don’t just assume he’s doesnt give a crap. And divorce will leave you both needing to make financial changes

hopefully you’ll both be able to navigate a fairly amicable separation and move forward rather than end up fighting and trying to destroy one another

It either suggests that he really isn’t happy and wants to leave although massive change in his quality of life
or
he has met someone else

Less than £100k pension pot

and he’s on £100k a year and in his fifties?

really? That is incredibly low

Honestly you should not be making key decisions about your life and financial situation around a dog. Kids yes but a dog absolutely not. You need to get a proper job and contribute to your expenses.