How on earth do you all cope? Tips please, am feeling desperate

[PurpleSuitcase]

Hi all - just after an emotional hand hold/support/some hope for an end to it!

My ex walked out 4 years ago after years of emotional and financial abuse and pretty quickly moved on with a new live in girlfriend. I tried to keep it amicable for 2 years and never asked for financial support for our 2 teens as I’d been the sole breadwinner for years anyway, and didn’t really need it at the time, then after 24 months he issued a divorce petition unilaterally and with no discussion.

I have really struggled with the forms, dealing with solicitors and so on and he has become increasingly hostile and now has a vile aggressive solicitor who is going after all my assets and asking for more and more intrusive information about my spending etc. I have always earned and paid for everything and had an inheritance which paid the entire mortgage, then he inherited a flat and a lot of money before we split (I never saw a penny of this) but still wants to take half my house and my pension. He is also avoiding mediation and trying to force me to court.

Whereas I was managing financially before I’ve had a few health and other setbacks and am suffering from stress meaning I can only work part time at the moment - though my job is demanding and stressful and I do god knows how much unpaid overtime just to keep up. The solicitor fees alone are utterly breaking me and after being financially careful all my life I now feel like my whole future is being taken out of my hands. His girlfriend has her own house and income and his family are wealthy whereas I am totally alone and trying to support my adult kids through education and travel. Our relationship is now so hostile we don’t speak.

I am so stressed I get panic attacks every time I get a solicitor letter and I really don’t understand how anyone can afford their rates. By dragging it out endlessly he is costing me a fortune and I’m not eating or sleeping and wake up every single day in a state of anxiety

Please can anyone tell me it gets better?

it is dreadful, I'm in the middle of a divorce myself, but it doesn't sound as destructive as yours has become, poor thing.

is your solicitor giving you the advice and support you need, do you think? From my, admittedly much simpler, position, he has to have a REASON to ask for half the house and your pension, he has to NEED it and not to be able to provide himself with a house and income himself. If he inherited a flat and some money whilst you were together then that will also be taken into account by the court, it isn't just about what you have that he thinks he's entitled to, they look at the whole picture.

And your current spending - on the basis that you've not had any money from him for anything in the past, and you're not asking for anything now - I don't think that's any of his business, or his solicitors.

My understanding is that the court look at what each of you have and what that adds up to in combination. Then based on the needs of each of you the joint "pot" is shared so that both your needs are met in terms of housing and so on.

It is a wretched process made more miserable by your ex's attitude, I'm not surprised you are feeling so desperate...I hope your solicitor can get it sorted out and done with as soon as possible, and then you can move on with your life.

Aw thank you @northerncrumpet My solicitor is good but tbh am scared to contact her most of the time because of the cost. If we speak it feels like it’s costing me £10 a word!

I absolutely can’t forgive my ex dragging us down this route. There really aren’t enough assets to justify it. He seems hell bent on ruining me for the sake of it and has totally alienated our DS with his behaviour

Every day I wake up and my heart sinks - I have to get out of bed straight away and put the radio on before I start thinking as I just get so panicky. It really is the worst and I hope my children never get married as I’d hate to see them dragged through this intrusive, archaic, stressful and expensive nonsense.

I’m finding it hard to see any sort of a future tbh.

Bumping this. Maybe there are no words of hope to offer but I’m sat looking at an unopened email from my solicitor (which probably cost £99 to send!) and feel so sick I can’t open it or get on with my work day. How does anyone cope with divorce?

All the assets (the house you both lived in) and his inherited flat would usually be considered joint assets. Pensions often are too; if it’s the woman divorcing, she is usually encouraged to go for pension so there’s no reason he can’t, unfortunately. Can you just agree to split the assets 50/50 and move on?

His girlfriends income and living situation has no bearing on the settlement, so don’t waste any more time on this.

I agree it's an awful process and my divorce was 'amicable' (I say that - my ex husband has an affair but we waited 3 years before getting divorced so things were a lot more settled by then). It is intrusive and cold but solicitors are there to get the best 'deal' for their clients. Just because he is asking for things though, doesn't mean he will get them and the courts have the final say in what is 'fair'.

I walked away from my ex's pension for a larger share of the family home so that I can stay here with our dc and the transfer is going through now. My divorce was finalised last week and I shed a few tears, even though we separated almost 5 years ago. It has been going on 18 months, with monthly solicitors bills and the anxiety you describe every time I received an email from my solicitor. The tears were partly sadness that I have found myself in this position and partly relief that it is over.

Not a divorce so can't comment on that, but wanted to say I went through a similar experience. The only safe place was my bed and the stomach churning feeling when waking up was horrific. I'd get palpitations when my phone rang and the solicitors always seemed to send e mails on Friday so nothing could be done for the weekend. Everything moved so slowly and it seemed never ending so I really sympathise with you.
The point is, it will get better, it will get sorted and if you are clear and honest with the court, I believe it will be dealt with fairly. The relief when it is over and you are free will be wonderful and you will get over this. Xx good luck.

I have no advice, just sympathy and solidarity. I am separated but can't find the energy/courage to get divorced as dread the aggro it will bring. Good luck OP. You are brave and strong even when you least feel it xx

It does get better.

Mine was an arse to me when I was on my knees but once I found some inner resources and fought back he backed down quite a way.

I’ve been there. It does get better. Have you done your own figures. What are the 50:50 splits or 60:40 to you as you are housing the kids. I put all the legal bills on a credit card, kept moving the balance to interest free cards and eventually five years later cleared the bills. That day I celebrated freedom.

Thanks for the responses. My solicitor believes that his live in partner’s assets do count as she pays for all the bills - so in a settlement based on need, he is perfectly well provided for whereas I am broke and still subsidising my adult children through education. But he is entitled and spiteful and will go after whatever he can.

I am finding the whole process cold, brutal, ruthless and vicious. I feel utterly invaded and as if my life and wages are no longer my own.

I am literally terrified of going out for a meal with my partner and paying on a credit card in case he is pouring over my statements and judging me for daring to spend money on anything but essentials. I paid for a counsellor for a while to help me cope with the panic, and his bitch of a lawyer questioned that so now I feel as if my mental health is being used against me and I’m sure he is gloating and sneering about it to anyone who will listen and calling me unstable (a lot of his slander gets back to me). I’ve barely spoken to him in years yet he can follow my activities via my bank account and make vicious judgements.

Ironically my mental health was perfectly fine before this divorce process began and threw me into panic attacks and crippling financial anxiety. Now I actually feel suicidal some mornings.

Thank you for all the encouraging comments calling me brave but I am really anything but. I do not have hidden reserves. I just want to run away and I am so frozen in fear I can’t even open my emails or answer any unknown numbers on my phone. I think the divorce process in the UK and legal matters generally need a huge rethink. It ruins lives.

Really sorry for anyone who has been through similar experiences.

Sorry, not time for a lengthy reply, but take cash out if you are going to spend it on something you don't want him to know about, you are perfectly entitled to.

Also, be aware that some solicitors are more than happy to keep the battle going so as to wrack up a nice big bill to line their pockets with. Don't get embroiled in silly tit for tat arguments.

Finally, are you getting help for your anxiety? Maybe a trip to your GP would be a good call?

I feel I'm headed into the same situation. No idea why people become so nasty (and greedy)

Oh love. Been there, done that. Its awful. Big warm hug from me.

I had a really empowering solicitor but also LOADS of help from the wikivorce forum pages. Bit like on here but with folk who are going through it and from professionals too.

Remember EVERYTHING goes in the pot. Yours and his - if he wants to know your assets, you need to know his. Try your best to keep on the moral high ground. Do as much legwork as you can without getting the solicitor involved.

Take charge. If he's not playing ball then call him on it and take him to court - apply for mediation, and when he fails to engage straight to court. Set yourself a deadline. Get mediation booked for before Xmas, then press for court in the new year.

I know covid has royally fucked the court timings, but can you imagine this time next year and it could ll be done?

I can’t afford court though. Our assets aren’t worth a court battle. He wants to go to court to make me sell the family home which I paid for but he has a home of his own and his girlfriend has a house. So two homes. Two and a half if he tries to take some of mine. And this is my kids home too (they have never stayed at his). Does he want them to have to throw all their stuff in a skip and have nowhere to go in the holidays?

It is the thought of court that is terrifying me. I don’t know if one person who has come out of it well unless they work in the legal profession and are raking in big fat profits from people’s misery.

I have friends who have had affairs, dumped perfectly nice husbands because they are bored with them, and still reached an amicable settlement because their exes are reasonable human beings who take the kids into account and own their own responsibility for financing themselves. My ex is an entitled narcissist who would rather drag me through court for every last penny. And who walked out on us the minute he inherited some cash.

I am really surprised there aren’t more suicides due to divorce. I have zero heartbreak but 100% panic disorder.

Deep breath.

I did the majority of my legwork myself, and went to court 3 times. Only used a barrister for the final time. My ex was a pure narc who forced me and the kids out of the home and still demanded 80% of the assets. What he wants (and tells his solicitor to threaten you with) doesn't mean that's what he gets.

His girlfriend's home doesn't go into the pot, but the fact he is living with her means he is adequately housed and you have a good case for more of the assets. Which include both of your houses, savings, pensions.

Seriously, have a look on wikivorce (rather than here, where the advice can be sketchy at best).

Thank you @Fuuuuuckit - I will have a look on Wikivorce.

I just feel like the life I worked for (and paid for while he arsed about not working and trying to be an artist) is being ripped away from me, and the rug pulled from underneath my feet by some frankly feudal legislation and a nasty narcissist.

I hope you have moved on and found happiness and freedom now (and that your ex and mine end up in hell!)

One thing I will say which will hopefully make you feel better. If he's appointed an aggressive solicitor, then that solicitor is probably not very good. When I appointed a solicitor I was careful to avoid appointing anyone who was aggressive to the point that they might aggravate an already tense situation. A good solicitor has a strategy and an aim to come out with a solution that is the best compromise between (and fair to) both parties.

That's not to say my solicitor didn't help me to take a firm line against my ex-wife's reluctance to maximise her earning capacity but there is an appropriate way to do that and it doesn't have to be aggressive.

Unless court mandated, I don't think you need to share bank statements.
Have you both completed and shared Form E's?
If you take him to mediation and/or court, you are taking the control back from him. That could be priceless in terms of how you feel about the situation.
Find the money to do it.

Thanks for all the comments. We have exchanged Form E, he rejected my offer and raised a questionnaire as did I . His is very aggressive and some of the questions are just vexatious and unacceptably nosey/intrusive and I’m too paralysed with fear to respond. It was a horrible marriage, he was an abusive narc, and I get PTSD type reactions to any correspondence- actually shaking and panicking.

This is exactly what I'm going through. I wake so early and have to get up as my heart is pounding until I do. I dread solicitors emails. I'm seeing GP, counsellors etc. I'm sure my friends and daughters are tired of me continually talking about it. My x is dragging his heels and my solicitor just says we can take him to court. I keep saying I've not much money to her but it seems to go over her head. It's worrying about the interest only mortgage that should have been paid. My x and me have rescued dogs together and I'm so worried about where ill live with them if the bank repossess. I'm in turmoil. Sorry about long post but I'm new to mumsnet.

In similar situation to you OP, sympathies.
i have the same trauma based reaction to any of my sbex’s emails or those of his lawyers. Counselling has really helped me - I have thud from a domestic abuse specialist. I’ve refused mediation on the grounds that I’ve suffered da (I have a non mol against him). We are heading to court now and whilst I kicked off proceedings, it is scary in that he keeps threatening to go for costs against me and I worry if it all goes against me.

His gf financial position is irrelevant. Your solicitor has a vested interest in dragging this out
Any settlement is based on need.
If his questionnaire is nosey/vexatious, refuse to respond and go for mediation.
You need to get this finalised for your own piece of mind.

I hope to start in next 2 weeks and already feeling sick. I don't have enough money but mediation with abusive narc is not possible

Solicitors have to follow an ethical code that strictly forbids them taking advantage like that.

That said, cohabitation tends to be much more relevant when it is the weaker spouse these days.

the OP's last post was 7 months ago ,hopefully things have improved for her.