Co-parenting & schedules

[Honeybear14]

Hi all,

My partner and his ex are currently looking into mediation as there have been ongoing stressful back and forths about her wanting make changes to the schedules.

For context, my partner is currently under a psychiatrist, diagnosed with ADHD and under assessment for Autism and recently had a breakdown. He has 2 children with his ex and I also have 2 children with my ex and we have lived as a blended family together for 5/6 years now. The split of time between the 2 houses is 50/50 and we generally stick rigidly to the set weekends/term time overnights etc.

We have been flexible in the past but being already overwhelmed at the moment, we are keen to keep things consistent for both us and the kids. His ex is consistently asking for flexibility to the schedule for allowances such as he and her partner going abroad during term time. Although this may seem a simple ask from her point of view, it would be very difficult for us mentally and practically - plus not great for the kids to have inconsistency during school time. We actively avoid going to her for support or favours as it's always been thrown back at us in the past to use in arguments so we rely on our own support network when we need to.

Are we being unreasonable? Is a usual for schedules to flex to allow for non-child holidays? I absolutely have no problem if we need to flex if she wants to take the children away during school holidays that overlap the usual schedule but I don't see why we need to put us all out for her and her partner to go away?

Just looking for some opinions.

Generally speaking, flexibility in co-parenting agreements is really important, yes. Rigidly following the rules does no one any favours.

Flexibility is good personally
i don’t think a rigid routine is great
he’s their dad, what if they came to live with you full time? How would you manage then?

I mean if it’s constantly chopping and changing and no one knows whether they’re coming or going that’s not good. But if it’s generally a routine/ consistent with the odd weekend or week chsnge here or there that’s perfectly fine and normal

I think you have to be flexible. He is still their father when it isn't his turn to have them and visa versa. I get that its tough mentally though, but he needs to have something firm in place to allow give and take both sides. What is the split with your own dc and their father, and what is the relationship in terms of flexibility?

Hi all,

Thank you for your responses so far! Generally we are flexible when it means the kids might miss out on something or the other parent is unwell. For example, if she wants to take the children on an extended holiday then then that's fine or if there's a family birthday/event. We never want the kids to miss out on anything.

The impact of swapping things around so we have the kids extra, particularly during the week is difficult for our blended family though. There are 6 of us in a 3 bed, with the boys (12 and 13) sharing a room and they don't sleep particularly well together. We can't afford a 4-bed at the moment either. Our set up during term time means we have my children Mon/Thurs and my partner's Tues/Weds so the boys aren't together during the week which means they get a good sleep for school. Dave's son also has ADHD so it impacts on his greatly if he doesn't get a decent sleep and reflects in his behaviour at school.

We have my children slightly more than 50% with us having them every Sunday night, regardless of who's weekend it is.

His ex is asking for us to have the children a whole week during term time in which we need to also fit our full-time work hours in, get 4 children to 3 different schools in 1 car and also manage my partner's mental health. Her rational is basically she wants some winter sun with her partner at cheaper non-school holiday rates.

In regards to me and my ex, we generally work it so the schedule rolls and we do the odd swap if we need to and we ask our own parents to help out sometimes. It works and we get on quite well.

Hello, I am wondering about a 50/50 schedule. I have a child that just turned 5 yr old. My ex went back to work 5 months after birth, I did 7 months of paternity, then shortly after covid hit. I then stayed home with my child for the 2 years it went on for because my job was flexible. She also came down with depression following his birth which still continues to this day which she takes meds for. She also takes meds to help her sleep. She regularly has a drink with her meds which is not recommended. I have been basically doing the majority of parenting and house work. Her job does pay more so she has been paying the majority of bills. She has always been career focused and only wanting to spend shorter periods of time with the child because she's gets frustrated easily and tired from the meds. She acts more like a friend than a parent most of the time. Now we are getting separated/divorced. She is asking for 50/50 split of the childs time. Should I just be happy that she wants more time with the child or concerned she is doing it for the wrong reason? Like trying to save child support or what others might say about a mother not having equal time (her parents or friends). She is also going back to school which I wonder how her time will be spent with the child during that which will take a few years.

Another Dad here who'd also be interested to hear of 50/50 schedules that have worked well. We're in the early stages of separation, it's horrible and I know even with a 50/50 split I'll be losing so much time with my son. But, I'm very keen to continue to maintain an active part of my son's life and the 50/50 schedule feels as if that's the best of a bad situation. I've researched at length ways it might work, but there seems to be a downside to each. Has anyone been able to successfully work the 50/50 and would be kind enough to share their schedule?

I have flexibility with work so I'm relaxed on that side of things, just want to find the best schedule to bring to the conversation as my wife has reservations.