Husband left

[Kash29]

Hi
Im not sure if I’m doing this /posting correctly ?
Can anyone help me , just to chat ?
My husband of 27 years ( together 31) has walked out 3 weeks ago . I am distraught . We own our family home mortgage just ended (4 young adult children ) He also owns another property in his name alone that he bought the year before we met & that we have rented out during our married life which was meant to be our retirement income , . He has gone there to live after giving notice to the people renting so we no longer have that income .
He said he needs space , wants to make a new life for himself as he is unhappy .I believe he planned his leaving as he is self employed & started to say he had no work ( hiding income ) . He has literally waited until our youngest turned 18 a few weeks before so that on paper there is myself & 4 adults living in our home ,. .So he isn’t paying maintenance. He said he will give me money towards food until U get a job ( I’ve been a sahm since our youngest 2 were born ) & has just gone . I feel in a state of shock , I can’t stop crying . He ‘pops ‘ back to pick up few bits of clothing now & then . He hasn’t contacted me & just says he needs space & isn’t sure if it’s permanent 😢We haven’t been getting on for a couple of years but he won’t talk ,. He either gets angry , always has to be right or just walks out . I had a great career etc when we we first met & it was a mutual decision for me to stay at home to look after our children etc so I now have no income , no idea about bills & have been out of the work environment for 18 years . I am terrified & the pain is unbelievable. I’m convinced there is someone else or he wants to find someone else . He is very confident whereas over the years I have become very unconfident & dependent on him financially. He has become very cold & detached emotionally the last couple of years . He has always been quite controlling financially & almost emotionless towards me . I feel like my heart is broken . He has no contact with me other than if I txt him to ask for train fares etc for our son ( he’s still at college ) It is met with a curt reply that he will put money in our sons account ( minimum) . He sends jokes to our children via phone txts as if this is normal?? I phoned him initially absolutely sobbing etc ,. He just says sorry but I don’t know what to say but I’m unhappy & you only get one life & we don’t get on anymore & that he needs to reset !! . I can’t sleep eat & feel like I’m in a living nightmare. Our children are so good but essentially it’s me that has always supported them academically/emotionally & doing everything for them etc so even though my heart is breaking & I’m going through the motions of everyday household life because they are young adults who are busy with friends etc it’s not affecting them so much on a day to day basis as he pretty much done his own thing anyway . I have spoken to our children extensively, they are supporting me best they can & I them but I just can’t stop crying & feel angry that we are all going through this at home while he ‘gets his space’ & decides what he wants 💔. Our children are torn but as they knew we were unhappy & were arguing feel that issues need to be sorted but also feel he has ‘bailed out ‘ on us all . One minute I am distraught & cannot stop crying ,wondering where he is & who he’s with & can’t imagine my life without him , next I am terrified of being on my own & then angry that he is doing this and like the last 30 years were nothing to him & he’s waited until the kids are adults . Any thoughts please ? Thankyou xx

I couldn't read and run. It is understandable that you are scared, but you need to start thinking straight.

Your marriage is over. That means it's time to engage a solicitor who will get you the best possible settlement. There's a mortgage free home in the pot, and after 27 years it is likely that your STBX's other house will also go into the pot, so you will get some money to set you up.

You will need to get a job, but not until after the divorce and the financial settlement have gone through. It is likely that you will end up in rented accommodation, but that is better than all the trauma you are going through now.

If you are living with the 4 young adults, are they working and contributing to household costs? That is also something you need to consider.

Marriage break up is a devestating thing, but you have more important things to worry about. Solicitor immediately so that he doesn’t have time to hide any more money. Your relationship- the love- has been over for years. Imagine growing older with a man like this. Focus on practical things and grieve later. Good luck

Sorry to read this OP. But for your own sake you need to start taking charge of the situation - he's either left permanently or is going to mess you around with an on/off relationship, with you never knowing what will happen next. Try to get a bit angry yourself - gather copied of paperwork (info on both houses, his pensions, his salary, bank statements) and get a solicitor involved. He is taking you for a ride you need to organise finances so please stop waiting to hear from him and look after you and adult DC.

I am so sorry you have gone through this. The older I get the more I hear stories of main ‘bailing’ on the spouse. No warning and very little explanation is extremely hard to process (going through it myself). The pain in unbareable but you have to find the strength to carry on. The relationship is out of your hands and no be fooled by him saying he’s not sure if it’s permanent, it’s very doubtful that he has any intention of returning.

As others have said, protect yii or resell financially and get the ball rolling

Hi OP, I just came across your post . It's awful what your husband has done to you . How are you since ?

Sorry OP the shock must be terrible. Its natural to be in a state of absolute shock and for your emotions to be all over the place. Personally i wouldn't rush to the solicitors as that is going to speed the whole process up and since you are in the marital home with no kids under 18, buying yourself a bit of time may not be a bad thing. However, you absolutely need a firm idea and evidence of the financial situation - as he will likely refer to this point as the point of separation. So you need to be getting copies of all bank statements- its currently way too easy for men to hide accounts and pension details. If you have a joint computer its now time to hunt through, get all important info and print info off and compile your own evidence file that you can hide somewhere secure.

Since you've been married so long you may well find the 2nd house is a marital asset so not exclusively his- you'd need to ask a solicitor. Plus don't forget re pensions, they are a marital asset too and consideredas part of marital pot. Also depending on your age, you may or may not have to return to work so i wouldn't start worrying about that just yet. You have enough to deal with, with the shock, gathering evidence of finances and perhaps in a few weeks if you feel readier seeing a solicitor.

He may have another woman, he may not. It sounds like a mid life crisis divorce where he thinks he has better options elsewhere. Rarely turns out to be the case, the grass is seldom greener. In any case, trust is broken now and you have seen he doesn't truly care for you as a husband should. Im sorry this is really hard but it seems he has emotionally checked out of your relationship and probably did some time ago. It's horrid for you but you will get through this and build your confidence up again in time.