Hi all,
I really just want some reassurance that everything will be ok. I filed for divorce almost two years ago and it's still dragging on and I'm struggling with the 'living in limbo' and loneliness.
I was married to an older man (> 10 year gap) for 23 years and well, truth be told, I had been a bit naive and inexperienced when we started dating (when I was still a student at university). Bottom line was that, eventually, I realised I wasn't attracted to him and there were other issues too (like lack of communication, interests etc.) but, to keep everyone happy, I lived with it. He was a nice man in some ways but severely lacked empathy and any sort of emotional sense. There was no passion between us and no hand-holding, nothing. As a result, the last 10 years of the marriage were sexless and, although I lived with this and accepted it, deep down it made me sad. It was mainly me who put a stop to it even though I am a very passionate female! I was with the wrong person and had gotten myself into something at a young age that I felt I couldn't get out of. He was cold emotionally, as I've said, and was so lacking sexually. Not that I'd been with anyone else to compare as I hadn't! We had two kids but the second was conceived artificially. I won't go into that but I think it was pretty obvious sex, back then, was boring.
I didn't want to hurt his feelings as he is, like I have said, a nice man underneath. He just wasn't the right man for me in numerous ways. I think I'd felt under pressure to get married and had been so shy when I was young that I just didn't go out to meet guys so would always stay on the shelf even though I was attractive (still am) and on track for a good career.
My heart wasn't in it but I persevered.
Things came to a head when I was abruptly shaken by the sudden onset of menopause mid-40's. As a result, I went through craziness for a good year. Feelings of detachment from reality, feeling overwhelmed with work and family life, feeling like I wanted to run away (and I often did - even if just with a cup of tea to sit in the car by a field, or on a night away somewhere to escape). Biggest change, however, was the sex surge of menopause which I had never heard of and didn't actually realise, at the time, this was what was happening. As you can guess, it was at this point (and after a long sexless marriage) the penny dropped and, yes,
my head was turned by someone else (who remains in touch - more as a friend - years later). Let's just say my head was turned sexually and in other areas (the way we got on). It was never going to go anywhere as he is married and chose to stay - obviously. I also, started to feel a sexual awakening and, although I have settled down a lot, I am now very aware of what I have missed and sacrificed and get the years. I know, that if I went to see a counsellor, they'd know exactly why I did what I did. I felt anxious at home during the menopause, especially around my stbx, and knew I had feelings for someone else. I now know why. I was living in a sexless marriage without affection or even emotional support. My stbx could be very critical of me at times. To the outside world we appeared to be a normal family but we were like flat mates. I couldn't stand being in bed with him (not that we ever did anything) and used menopausal hot flushes as my excuse to retreat to the spare room.
The OM and I are very good friends. He has tried to allow me to get on with my life but always returns and admits he has feelings for me to but nothing will come of it. He is trapped in someways anyway (no kids but more financial). I know this is a dead end.
I joined a few dating sites about a year ago, to help me stop being so obsessed with the other guy, and I am getting nowhere. Mostly, I hide my profile or go incognito but I have met a few men who clearly want sex that night! Obviously, I don't and I never hear from them again. I have been chatting to one man for 3 months now and he is in the same region as me so not too far away, has a similar level job, intelligent and a very nice, polite man. He has, however, never married (he says he regrets this as was too cautious) not has children. We get on ok but I don't get on with him as much as the OM. This guy can message for a minute then goes whereas the OM can message/phone for over 5 hours at a time. We have only met once and we had a lovely day and he said he wants to meet again (we are meeting next weekend) but, when I said he didn't seem that interested in me, he said he wanted to get to know me and take things slowly. I'm 50! If I go much slower I'll be collecting my bus pass! He messages every day and he does seem genuine. He is close to his sisters and nieces (and they are his sisters and nieces as I've checked) and he does seem like a genuine, nice guy. He has never asked for a naughty pic like the other dating app men did and talks to me normally. We did kiss at the end of the first date, which he loved (messaged me about it for the next few days) but his job keeps him busy and he does a lot of running to fill in his time free - but doesn't seem to say anything to me about meeting up for an evening meal or something.
So, I'm thinking this is a dead one. I think he is either shy or a dud! So, again, I'm feeling deflated and still feeling extremely lonely.
My job isn't great at the moment and, due to short staffing, my workload is crazy! I'm
not sleeping well. I feel an enormous amount of pressure at the moment due to being the single breadwinner in the house. I'm living in the mortgage free family home but it will need to be sold so we can divide assets as and where. I feel like I am living in limbo. Still waiting on a financial settlement figure. My solicitor and a a bit rubbish and is only new to my case as the last 2 solicitors (it's a group) left. It takes ages for her to respond to an email or do anything but I get regular bills of £240 an hour from her! I'm also paying all costs for the children myself and paying for repairs on the house (ready to sell). I don't claim CM as he just wouldn't be able to afford it (I was the biggest earner).
My parents are RIP and my brother died last year so I have no family to turn to/confide in. My friends are usually work colleagues and a lot have created a distance since I announced my split from my stbx. It's like they feel awkward. Others live too far away.
Every night I go to bed alone. Sad and upset. Living with two teens isn't great as (a) they can be difficult and (b) they stay in their rooms all the time. They also refuse to go anywhere I'd like to go to! So, life is pretty miserable for me. I've worked bloody hard over the years. Studied a BSc and MSc, plus numerous postgraduate courses, to get where I am. My mother was a single parent (parents divorced when I was 8) and she didn't work (health reasons) so I know what it's like to struggle financially. Luckily, I am in a good job.
I joined a leisure club yesterday so I can go swimming etc. Also, for somewhere for me to go a couple of evenings a week to avoid sitting on the sofa alone and dwelling on my rubbish decisions in life - also to get out out of the house. Only £25 a month so it should be a good buy. It's attached to a nice hotel too so I can go for a drink/meal too or enjoy the grounds in nicer weather.
I just feel so rubbish right now. I feel like I have screwed up my entire life but know I was living in a fake existence.
Does it get easier and should I just accept I'm going to be alone forever? I'm
50 btw and young looking!! It's tragic!