Really confused mummy - do I leave

[Mammabear43]

Hi, I have read lots of your posts and realise that there is many of us out there in a similar situation .
Met my hubby 8 years ago. Got engaged after 5 months, married just after 18months. Little one 5 years old now. It was mainly his decision to move everything so quickly. It was all a whirlwind and I went along with it. There were some red flag warning signs but I liked him being so committed to me i overlooked them especially as i was late 30's and still wanted a family.
I feel like our marriage is complicated, and not enjoyable much of the time. I often feel trapped and lonely.
I suffer from anxiety and my husband is a hot head and can get very impatient and angry quickly over little things. His behaviour often triggers my anxiety off which ive pointed out many times and I feel like it's a bad combination. He says I had anxiety before I met him which is true but he makes me worse. There are days im fine but then he starts about something and wont let it go and it triggers me again. I struggle to get over some things he's said and I can feel like I don't want to be here anymore. I've had to go to family events on my own as he has been an idiot and we've fallen out beforehand.
He is a good guy overall though. He helps a lot with our little one and does help a little round the house even though its usually with an eye roll.

I did love him and I do love him just not sure if I'm in love and want to be in this marriage anymore. Feel worn down and now like I can't be bothered anymore. He's never really supported me and isn't a positive person to be around. I am a positive person so it brings me down.
My main thing is my little one has just started school. I just don't want to break his heart and him have issues from it as he adores his daddy.

There are still the odd moments where I look at him and see the old person I met years ago and remember how we did have a spark. But they aren't often anymore.

We are supposed to be going on holiday in 4 weeks. I've told him recently I don't think I want us to be together anymore but he thinks I'm being silly and I don't really mean it. He has no intention of wanting to split up. He said we should see how the holiday goes etc we need a break! But my worry is playing happy families on holiday and then breaking the news to my little one would only make it worse for him? My hubby is having an operation in November too and won't be able to walk so it all seems like bad timing and i care about him and dont want him to be on his own whe he cant look after himself.. What do I do?

You don't have to make any instant decision. Have you thought about marriage counselling?

So he pushes you faster than you want to go, is impatient and angry, he makes you feel anxious, he belittles and denies your feelings and tells you you are silly, he considers looking after the home your job and anything he does do is under duress and is considered to be doing you a favour. And he doesn't even do that with good grace.

Good fathers dont treat the mothers of their children with such disrespect. But if he is such a good father he can carry on being a good father even if you are no longer married. Do you want your DS to grow up thinking this is how you treat women?

At the very least get yourself some solo counselling, but in all honesty I think this is a toxic marriage and you will be better off out of it.

What does he do when he's angry? Or when he's 'being an idiot'?

He was really stressed recently about something and just little things trigger him.. we was sat at the table eating our dinner with the little one.. I said can you try not to keep scratching the knife on the plate(when it makes that awful sound that goes through you) so he said okay I'll eat like this then.. put his hand accrues his plate through his food and put it in his mouth and all over his face!

Little one said why has daddy just done that mummy 🙉

We tried councilling about 3 years ago. It brought to light a few things bit nothing has changed much. I probably loved him more back then and was more willing to try. We struggle for babysitters. We know we should do things like date nights etc bit they never happen. He has a much older son who could help but he doesn't like 'putting on him' or feeling he migjt be unreliable. We've had many arguments about it always being my mum and dad. And my parents aren't keen on evening or overnight so it makes it very difficult. I definitely think this lack of time out together to do anything fun has contributed. But why should I always try and arrange something. Half the time we argue beforehand and it all goes to waste anyway. So now I feel begrudge to make an effort.

That is really not normal behaviour wtf

I know 😢 but then it's my fault for making the comment! I should keep things to myself apparently

I could have written this - narcissistic, unkind and puts himself first - I wish I’d left very soon after I was at your point. I didn’t but stayed a lot longer and it took me 3 years of counselling to get back to my pre anxious self and to be a better, happier mum. Seriously consider if this is what you want for you and your children. He sounds pathetic quite honestly x