Finding it hard to initiate

[Chaoticmumster]

Hi,

Looking for some words of advice/encouragement for those who have been in my shoes!

I know I need to end my marriage but I'm struggling with the first step of just saying "I can't do this anymore, we need to separate".

We have talked recently and both admitted we are unhappy. He thinks we can fix things, but I know in my heart I no longer want to be with him. I feel controlled (I think this is subconscious on his part rather than malicious, but it doesn't make it any the less hurtful!) We have a dead bedroom for years, and since I've realised the control dynamics I can't stand to kiss or hug, and I feel he's always pushing me into them (ie he will stand on the stairs and I can't get past without a hug or kiss first). I hate saying I love you to him, as I'm no longer sure I feel it, but he will say it over and over until I reply I love you too. I think he's trying to cling onto me as he knows I'm unhappy.

I know I should leave, but it's been 19 years and I'm scared of ripping our kids lives apart, and scared because to anyone looking in all is well. I sway between looking objectively at how unhappy I am with, oh its not so bad, I can put up with it. But that means keeping up a pretence that I can't do anymore. In reality I'm just scared to pull the plug!

Please someone tell me I can put my big girl pants on and do this!

You need to have a raw passionate heart to heart with him and let him know what needs of yours are not being met, and how his approach is impacting you. Never say or do anything cos you ‘should ‘ - if you don’t want to you really shouldn’t! You will become so resentful and sicken yourself if you betray yourself like that. You need to deal with this. No one and no relationship is perfect… but your children are … and if you look at him and yourself as the beautiful child of another mother, who deserves truth respect and love you might have a break through.

I felt like this for five years, but we never had a talk about it. He was very controlling and at times a bully. I never said anything and just smiled and agreed with him to keep the peace.

But the anger and resentment built up until it started bursting out of me without any control. Went to see a therapist, then very soon after told him I was unhappy and wanted relationship counselling.

True to form he exploded and refused. We quickly went on to deciding to separate.

He would tell me weekly that he loved me, and I would say it back not sure if I meant it. If you feel like this then accept you will separate sooner or later. You probably don’t want to follow my example and waste five years.