Ex husband is paid £1000 a month more than me

[CmMcC]

Finding it hard right now with paying bills. Ex husband is a banker and gets bonuses, dividends from shares and big pay rises.

I am a Primary school teacher with our teenage children 50:50 care between ex and I.

Ex and the law expect me to pay 50:50 for everything. I cannot afford to pay for any school trips but my ex expects this of me.

I live in Scotland so the law here is slightly different. Anyone else in same situation?

Anyone have any advice to help me?

Thanks

My experience is that if one parent wants to pay for a big ticket item which isn’t a necessity then it should be a gift from them. Trips, holidays, designer gear and cars all fall into this category. The other parent shouldn’t be expected to contribute unless they want to. Neither parent should raise an expectation that the gift will be given unless both of you agree to pay.

Didn’t make a lot of difference on how the kids felt about us. We just had different finances.

It’s time spent with kids not money spent on that matters.

If he’s a banker who gets bonuses and big pay rises then you are doing well to be within £12,000 of his pay as a teacher.

The fact is that your lifestyle and that of your children is likely to drop now that you have two households. Is he paying the maintenance that he is supposed to?

I agree with a PP if you're only getting £12k less than a highly paid banker you must be on quite a big salary yourself.

How old are your children?

Several of my separated friends have been through it over the years, and now my partner is going through it. However even my siblings had it with their own children and they aren't separated from their partners/spouse's.

You need to teach your teens the difference between wants vs needs.

This means if a school trip is an important part of their learning e.g. a geography or science field trip you will pay for it, but if it is not e.g. a skiing trip then you won't. Same with shoes compared to designer trainers, clothes etc.

With smaller items such as trainers and clothes if they want to upgrade e.g. designer trainers then they need to pay for it out of their pocket/ birthday/ Christmas money.

If you also have generous relatives and it's something they "want" for school/college but not a "need", then they may be able to ask them for money for it. (I've paid for things at short notice for some younger relations as their parents didn't have the money and the items were optional but helpful.)

Oh and while their dad can demand you pay, he cannot force you to.

So you need to learn not to engage with him about the item after you have firmly told your children and him once that you aren't paying for an item as it isn't a necessity.

I'm in Scotland too, and had it written in to our minute of agreement that we pay 50% of school trips, uniform etc.

He also earns at least 1K more a month, in likelihood much more than that after bonuses.

But he pays maintenance. He chose to do that do he could retain the family home.

I do try to explain to them that some things are essential eg coats/shoes etc. But that others might not be possible, need to wait till payday or I save up etc.

I think it teaches them the value of money & both mine are good with money as a result.

But the unfairness of it all is awful. Mine stayed in the 4-bed family home; I was forced to be bought out at home report value. I live in a shitty flat with majority care of DC, while he & OW go on cosy holidays abroad.

Have you got a minute of agreement yet? Or is that done & dusted?

I think this is the reality of separating, he chose
to pursue a different career to you. Beyond the financial order taking account of the loss of earning power for you in having the kids I don’t think you can expect it to be levelled our forever. You both have the same ability to work with 50:50 but what you do in that time and how much money it brings is down to each of you individually. He can’t be expected to compensate his ex for her career choices.

That said, if he wants the children to partake in activities you can’t afford, that’s up to him, you can’t be expected to keep up with him.

The thing is you’re no longer a couple so it’s 50/50 you are both responsible for. Personally I think this Is correct. You need to simply say no when you can’t afford something and unless he chooses to pay then the children go without.

He has the children fifty percent so there will be no maintenance.

With 50/50 care including all expenses there won't be any maintenance due to be paid.

Essential items yes 50/50 but optional items means if he wants them to have it he pays

Ps there's a very interesting thread over in Legal if you want to take a look - it's a high dad & he's getting very different responses to the ones you're getting here!

I think we are all assuming the ex isn’t on a very high income whereby CMS rules don’t apply and the OP should go to court. A teaching salary plus 12 k does not reach that level.

I am assuming they have gone through mediation, Court orders and maintenance calculations and it is what is. He earns more than the OP. He could change jobs and earn less. She could change jobs and earn more. Either could marry a rich singleton or a debt ridden parent of 5. That’s life after divorce.

I’d missed that sorry.

Hopefully though if she’s on similar pay to a banker the OP will be able to find a way to re-jug some expenses and find something spare to stop their child missing out.

Are you looking for tips on how to budget, or how to get more from ex?

The reality is, he earns more than you. Did you get awarded more of the home etc?

This

Work out what activities etc are within your budget, agree to pay half of those. Make sure essentials are included in these. If there are any other activities/items your ex wants the DC to do/have he has to pay for them himself.

You would need to seperate what is necessary and what it not.
Since you are divorced and he has children 50 percent of the time he is not obliged to give more than his half.In a perfect world people would be nice and understanding but now that you are only linked through children he has no obligation to subsidise you.
After all if his circumstances changed would you do it for him?

I would assume the £1000 a month more is a typo and missing a zero.