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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

How Did You Know It was The End?

11 replies

SoSadOnMyOwn · 19/09/2022 10:19

Just that really. I’ve posted on here before about how worried I am about my DH’s mental health. He’s so difficult to live with, I never know from one hour to the next what his mood will be. It’s extreme and every couple of weeks I get a tirade of emotion from him saying that I ruined his life. I know this is the mental health talking not him but I really can’t cope with it any more. I got to a point last week where I nearly left, but I couldn’t do it. It was like ripping my heart out with my own hands and the abandoning the love of my life when he’s ill. If he had a physical illness I’d never leave no matter how hard it got.

Im financially independent and we don’t have children so the practicalities are relatively straightforward. We’ve been together for decades and I’m scared I may throw away something I will regret later.

OP posts:
Original poster
SoSadOnMyOwn · 20/09/2022 08:51

Gentle bump... I'm hoping someone has some thoughts or advice...

OP posts:
Zerrin13 · 20/09/2022 23:50

Has he consulted a doctor? Is he trying to get some professional help?

zgirldreamsoftulum · 21/09/2022 00:24

I went through this. Convinced he was depressed. Did all I could. Paid for his therapy. Paid for a nanny during covid lockdowns when he wasn't working and I was working really hard, to try to give him a break. Paid for his flights to have a weekend abroad with his brother.

Turned out he was cheating on me. He eventually left me, after asking for a shedload of money. He's now swanning around with his affair partner. I was too compassionate. Take care of yourself OP

Original poster
SoSadOnMyOwn · 21/09/2022 08:04

Zerrin13 · 20/09/2022 23:50

Has he consulted a doctor? Is he trying to get some professional help?

No, he won't. I am having counselling, but he's stubborn and as soon as I suggest perhaps he needs some help he digs in. He has had problems in the past, and took some time off, but he had to come to that realisation himself before he would do it. Gentle encouragement from me just made him go in the other direction. I think he sees the problem as being me. I may be part of it, but I am not all of it. I used to take responsibility for all of is his issues and internalise them, but over the last year or so I have realised that these are not my problems. I will help him as much as I can , but I can't carry the responsibility for it.

OP posts:
Original poster
SoSadOnMyOwn · 21/09/2022 08:06

zgirldreamsoftulum · 21/09/2022 00:24

I went through this. Convinced he was depressed. Did all I could. Paid for his therapy. Paid for a nanny during covid lockdowns when he wasn't working and I was working really hard, to try to give him a break. Paid for his flights to have a weekend abroad with his brother.

Turned out he was cheating on me. He eventually left me, after asking for a shedload of money. He's now swanning around with his affair partner. I was too compassionate. Take care of yourself OP

I am so sorry to hear this @zgirldreamsoftulum that's awful. I am certain he isn't having an affair. He never leaves the house. I don't think there is a virtual affair either. He's open with his phone and doesn't seem to be secretive. I think he's in a very bad place again and I am taking the brunt of it. The question is how much do I put up with?

OP posts:
LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 21/09/2022 08:23

Easy for an outsider to say - but I think it’s time to cut your losses. My DH has mental health issues but he takes responsibility for it and welcomes any input I give (eg pointing out to him when things are going a bit astray).

If your DH is not in a place to work on himself and get help, and instead uses you as his punchbag, then he’s going to take you down with him. You have put up with more than enough. The DH you loved and married is gone for now. Sounds like it is definitely time to separate, even if only on a trial basis.

Original poster
SoSadOnMyOwn · 21/09/2022 10:31

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 21/09/2022 08:23

Easy for an outsider to say - but I think it’s time to cut your losses. My DH has mental health issues but he takes responsibility for it and welcomes any input I give (eg pointing out to him when things are going a bit astray).

If your DH is not in a place to work on himself and get help, and instead uses you as his punchbag, then he’s going to take you down with him. You have put up with more than enough. The DH you loved and married is gone for now. Sounds like it is definitely time to separate, even if only on a trial basis.

@LadyGardenersQuestionTime - May I ask how long it took for your DH to understand he needed help?

I am broken hearted and so I know I am not thinking straight at the moment. I fear blowing things up when there is still a chance. Every now and then I see my DH as he was, so he's still in there...

OP posts:
LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 21/09/2022 12:44

His was triggered by events, and he was in circumstances/a profession that normalised mental health management. So he realised he had a problem and set about managing it pretty quickly. But also he is a kind, generous and considerate person who would not knowingly take his moods out on anyone else.

From what you have shared here I think you are throwing your life away. Staying with your DH is not getting him better and is putting you at risk. Leaving might be the wake up call he needs - or it might not, in which case you need to grieve and move on.

pointythings · 21/09/2022 20:22

The issue here is that your OH is refusing to help himself. That's a dealbreaker. Mine did it too - his issues were alcohol, low self esteem and depression, all intertwined into a nice toxic mix. And for him too, it was my fault and our DDs' fault, basically for not being his mum.

He won't help himself and he won't let you help him, so it's time for you to help yourself by walking away. Get counselling to support you with the feelings of guilt, but don't waste your life on this man.

Original poster
SoSadOnMyOwn · 23/09/2022 16:51

@LadyGardenersQuestionTime and @pointythings thanks for your replies. I fear you are right…

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 23/09/2022 16:55

If he won’t get help, and attempt to solve the situation, then there’s no reason why you should have to put up with him.
You only get one short life.

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