Ex told child about upcoming court case

[bluebellforests]

Hello,
I’m doubting myself but is it OK that ex told our eldest about the upcoming first hearing of the C100 child arrangements order?

We are towards the end of a divorce. He moved out in July.

Tonight, as I drove to his house, my eldest asked me out of the blue literally a minute before I stopped in front of his house, ‘mum, why didn’t you tell me that you and dad are going to family court on the 29th of Sept?”

I don’t fee this is right that he discussed it with her, putting her under stress and lots to worry about. She struggles enough as it is with lots of things.
She is 12. Youngest is 7 but much more like 4 or 5 because of ASD.

Should a child be involved in the discussions of the upcoming court case? I really don’t think children should be put under so much stress. Am I wrong?

I mean, this is the child arrangements and only the first hearing, and yes, if it goes further, then Cafcass will talk to them.
But apart from this, there will also likely be a private FDR. This is what he wants. He doesn’t fee it will be fair if there isn’t an impartial person making a judgment.
Should the children know about that case too? Surely not??

I feel he is trying everything to ‘win’ the children over. Anything he can possibly do.
He bought an X Box 5 earlier in Sept - I think this is what it is called. A white box of about £500 with games. The Lego sets that he buys are extremely expensive and big. They aren’t for sale in the Lego shop, only on the website. The latest one he bought in September is the Lion Castle at £345.
Of course the children love those things. Things I cannot afford. He is also bringing a barrister to the First Hearing, something I cannot afford.
But this is besides the point.

Should he be telling her about the court case?

Have you discussed anything with her? Whether she’s happy with the current access schedule or if she would like to add some changes?

I wouldn’t say it was ideal to tell her about the court case but making her aware that a schedule is being put in place isn't necessarily a bad thing at her age.

I wouldn’t worry about all the expensive gifts, the children will like them and it will buy a couple of days excitement but i doubt a child would want to move in with a parent full time because the get cool Lego sets.

You're going to court to decide what happens to her. Of course she should know about it.

When we were in the family courts cafcass tore strips off us for not telling dc about the hearing until we absolutely had to.

my view was that it was stressful for them and we could potentially protect them from that insecurity. Cafcass and the judge didn’t agree.

At 12 I don't think it is unreasonable for her to know. My kids are slightly younger and I told them about it. I guess the question is did he explain it in an age appropriate way and being fair on you (not 'your mum won't let me see you enough so I'm taking her to court'). Maybe you don't know exactly what he has said so I think now it is for you to explain why this is happening and what the process may look like. She should know that she has a voice in this and that you will listen to her.

I wouldn't get too hung up on presents and him buying their affection, that's not something you'll likely be able to change. Kids figure these things out for themselves.

If you can't afford representation in court, consider looking at bringing a McKenzie friend. Don't be scared by his bigshot barrister. Always talk about the children's needs and interests when making your case.

I agree that at 12 I would expect her to know what is happening. Firstly because it was affect her life and you’d have to tell her the outcome anyway, so why not prep her for that. Secondly because most 12 years old would sense that something was happening anyway so I’m not sure keeping it from her would’ve helpful.

clearly there’s a child appropriate and not child appropriate way to tell her about the court case though. However if it was done in a way appropriate to her age I think that’s fine.

Ok, thanks everyone. I feel a bit better now.
I’m just stressed about what he tells her. Like, in June, on the morning of the youngest one’s birthday, he told her that he will be moving out, he then went to show her the house, and he then told her specifically not to tell me that he will be moving out.
Her friend’s mother told me later that evening.
It’s this sort of stress that I don’t want her to be under.

Mckenzie friend - I Googled this and found their website. If you ask someone from their website, it seems that they still charge you.

Op a Mckenzie friend can be anybody (as far as I’m aware) I was one for a relative. The other sides representation has to explain everything to you before hearings and tell you which forms and documents to bring.

A court is unlikely to order an arrangement that a 12 yr old is old is not happy with so there’s no harm in her being told - she should also be having significant input into what’s contained within it. Have you both discussed this with her?

but in general I wouldn’t want a child being brought into the issues between parents

Surely she will have been asked her views so will know it coming up. If you talk to her about it in the right way it shouldn’t worry her. Mum and Dad are struggling to agree when we both get to see you two so we are going to court so a judge can help us agree.

I think you are overthinking things. He is allowed to buy games consoles and lego for his kids to play with. It may be out of guilt of leaving or ot may be just because he can and wants to.

I get you are in an adversarial position re the divorce and the fact he left you (seemingly without warning) and that must have been upsetting but there is nothing wrong per se if he had a conversation saying that there is a court hearing to sort out arrangements regarding his contact with his children.

Are the arrangements not agreed? What do you want and what does he want in this regard if not?

A McKenzie friend can be anyone - they are there to provide you support in court and traditionally were unpaid friends or family. These days there are people who act as McKenzie friends for money. They are generally unqualified but may have some experience of the family court. I would be a bit wary - they sometimes have their own agenda and that may not help your case.

I would explain that getting married is a legal commitment to someone with rules around it which is why when you split up you need the legal document to say you have divorced. Therefore it all goes to court to sort everything out including child access arrangements because everyone needs to know what the rules are for where the child is going, whether to their Mum's or Dad's house.

Maybe even show her your marriage certificate and her birth certificate just so she can see that these things are in a legal register.

Helpful for her to have a narrative about what's going on for you - otherwise she'll be picking up the stress but in the dark. What pp suggested is good.

Thanks everyone