Stbxh and I are currently going through mediation and I'd really appreciate some thoughts on our parenting plan as I feel like I can't see the wood for the trees. Bit of background:
-Divorce is my choice, not his. He is currently sticking to The Script wrt alternately pleading with me to work things out, promising to change, telling me how selfish and horrible I am, telling me that I have prevented him from being a better husband and father, he wants 50/50, 'you're lucky I haven't turned abusive' etc.
-The reason for separation is lack of support, care, generally wearing me down until the love and respect was gone. I can't wait to have to parent 2 children, not 3.
-2 DC, aged 6 and 3. DS1 is awaiting an ASD diagnosis, requires firm schedules, not at all open to flexibility or unpredictability. Stbxh has always struggled with him and vice versa, they spend a lot of time shouting at each other. DS2 is more NT and reasonably laid back, as much as any 3yo!
-Stbxh has always taken a firm step back on parenting. He has put DS2 to bed 5 times, ever, all since I asked for a divorce. DS1 bedtimes are a 2hr production thanks to ASD and involve me lying with him til he sleeps, usually around 9:30-10pm; stbxh has very rarely been involved because they wind each other up which leads to meltdowns which leads to me being called in and stbxh refusing to try in future.
-We're all still in the family home- I need to apply for DS2's school place so he needs to be in situ; I'm obv not leaving him; stbxh won't leave as 'this is my house', 'all this is your idea' etc. Home is tough and I avoid it as much as possible.
-I work part time around school and school nursery, decent salary, scope to increase hours when and as I like (very grateful for employer's flexibility!). Stbxh has worked flexibly for some time to enable him to look after the children eg during school hols while I work, plus we use annual leave. He has usually declined to look after both children for more than 1 day at a time as he can't cope. No local family support.
-Plenty of equity in family home, stbxh wants to buy me out using cash gifts from his parents in lieu of inheritance. I'd like a new start, will stay very local.
So our parenting plan:
-Children will come to my house at 6pm every night except Friday
-He will collect from school and give dinner on Tuesdays and Fridays
-He will keep them Friday night until Saturday evening
-I will do all school drop offs
-agreement will continue in hols, ie he has them all day Tues, Fri and Sat
-He will see the children for 8 additional days and nights through the hols, not consecutive iyswim
-Standard alternative Xmas, shared birthdays etc
I'm reasonably happy with the above, if slightly philosophical about the fact that it gives me most of the hard bits- ASD bedtimes, every morning school run, no weeknights to myself to do hobbies etc- the children and their needs come first.
But the issue is that stbxh had wanted to keep them over the Saturday night too, so Fri night-Sun morning. I declined as that would give the children and I only school nights and mornings, no 'fun' time, and 48 hours away is too much right now for children who have never been away from me before; I am very much their primary caregiver. He has asked instead to collect them from school on Weds too, returning at 6pm, term time only.
On one hand I'm inclined to agree, I feel sorry for him not seeing them as often and I know this hurts him, useless as he has been for the last 6 years. But on the other hand, that means he'll have even more of the quality time- 3 afternoons plus one full day a week of time when they're fun and engaging and playful; vs my 2 afternoons and 1 day, plus 6 nights of challenging stressful bedtimes. He's never cooked for them/us beyond chucking a frozen pizza in, so I also feel bad that 4/7 main meals a week will not be nutritious (and then I'll feel the brunt of hunger etc overnight).
Gosh, apologies for the length of all that! I would really appreciate any thoughts, wise mumsnetters 💐