Please tell me it gets better

[nibblette]

I'm just in a really low place and need to hear from people's experiences that things get better.

(Now ex) fiancé became emotionally distant and abusive during my pregnancy. He became financially & physically abusive too towards the end. I also found out he was cheating. A lot of his behaviours followed what I've read on here as 'the script' plus the abuse.

My baby and I have been sharing a mattress on the floor and living out of bags at my Mum's for the past 3 months. I've been trying to find a new place to rent but it's been really slow and difficult as I'm on maternity leave as a mature student, on UC and have a baby so landlords aren't keen. We are on the homelessness register but the queue is long.

I still pay rent/bills for the old flat but social services and the police say we can't return there as my ex still legally and physically has access to the property.

I just feel broken as a person and like a failure as a Mum. I wish I could just switch these feelings off. I don't understand why any of this had to happen and be this way. 😔

It will get better. You'll make it. Keep breathing. Keep loving your baby, who doesn't judge you at all, just wants you there.

Why are you still paying the bills on your old place? Can you get out of that arrangement?

Can you talk to student services at wherever you are studying? I was at Manchester years ago and they were very good at supporting people in similar positions to yourself (eg, me!).

It happens because of 'men' and 'patriarchy'. You'll see that, later. It's not you. It's them and the system that allows them to behave as they do.

Yes, I also think you should be able to get out of paying the bills etc. for the property especially given your situation?

I am so sorry these things happened to you. It will get better and you will get stronger on the other side 💪 although it might not seem that way right now.

As per post above, it is to do with men doing whatever they want and get away with it....you did best thing you could ( also for the lil one) to get away from abusive relationship- you are definitely not failure for that, quite opposite I'd say.

Not sure if you want/ can DM me we can have a chat if needed. We're here for you mama!

I think you might want to go Relates counselling they might also be able to help you and advise on next steps etc. They will also know organisations that can help.

Thank-you 💕💕

I did contact my uni as I was supposed to go back this September and had applied for family accommodation/1 bed flat in halls, but due to an admin error they were unable to offer me a place. The best they've been able to do is extend my mat leave an additional year. I also contacted my student union and they said to help me find private rented I'll need to provide 6 months rent + deposit upfront unfortunately.

The old rented flat is a joint tenancy outside of contract and was sold to a new buy to let landlord 1.5 yrs ago, but the handover hasn't occurred due to legal issues. The landlord has always completely ignored my communications and will only speak to my ex as he's "the man" of the home. He's not incentivised to draw up a new contract as he's made no bones about the fact he doesn't want to be a landlord anymore.

If I give up the flat (DWP has treated it as an 'untidy tenancy' after my ex left) this affects my UC, which then impacts my ability to secure new accommodation. I also am due to start long-term therapy after referral from PMHT, and will lose that if I give up the flat as will be out of area.

Sorry for the long reply, I hope it all makes sense. X

Rental arrangements are complex and outside my range of experience. So, I'd say, snuggle in on that mattress at your mum's. I had a week on my dad's floor (last week - I'm 64) and it was fine, and people with new babies often put a mattress on the floor and sleep together, so you're doing nothing out of context. Don't feel bad about yourself, you're doing what you can.

I can understand why you can't give up the flat yet - therapy is a great thing, worth prioritising. I've had years of it, and eventually, it worked beyond my expectations. Do the things you can do, one small thing at a time and trust. The way is forward, you have the skills, you'll get there.

You're doing great, OP, I know this is hard but it won't last forever. Have you had any support from Women's Aid?