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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Abusive husband, now crying and telling me to stay

25 replies

Gemski38 · 09/09/2022 10:10

So, it's gone from stone walling and ignoring me/acting like he doesn't care. The moment he saw me crying and saw my vulnerability, he started crying and has now started love bombing me, saying he loves me, adores me, constantly trying to kiss and hug me.

Still cannot accept blame at all, have tried to have conversations about what's happened and gone in, but he just simply puts all blame back onto me.

He hasn't done anything
He has tried so hard the last 6 months
He is walking on eggshells around me
He can't talk to me about anything
He has supported me with my nursing
He has been trying to hard
It's me that is cold and heartless

Round and Round we go, he will not accept or acknowledge my feelings at all

When I bring up the names, he has called me over the years i get
"that's in the past, stop bringing it up, i only call you names because im angry"

Also i have been sleeping in my sons bed (he is in with my husband) and for the last 2 mornings he has just come into the room, got into bed and been trying to be intimate with me. Stroking, cuddling, pushing against me. Asking for sex constantly.

This morning he did it again, i was exhausted and half asleep, he kept on and on, and i gave in 😟I really didnt want to, i was in and out of sleep, not reacting at all. Now i feel terrible..

He thinks we are getting back together and keeps telling me "fuck the house, our marriage is more important"

As i am due to sign a lease today for a rental house..

I am now so confused, should i stay and make it work? I was so unhappy but im so scared of going and regretting it.. He will not take responsibility for anything though so all the issues will go unresolved as usual xx

OP posts:

Choice4567 · 09/09/2022 10:12

Good gracious no you shouldn’t stay. He’s love bombing you because he wants you stay - it’ll go straight back into how it was before. He doesn’t want you because he loves you, it’s the cycle

Volterra · 09/09/2022 10:12

This morning he did it again, i was exhausted and half asleep, he kept on and on, and i gave in 😟I really didnt want to, i was in and out of sleep, not reacting at all. Now i feel terrible..

Read this bit you have written back again. If someone said this to you and asked if they should stay, what would you say to them?

Girlintheframe · 09/09/2022 10:13

Do not sign the lease!

He is behaving like this to try and get you to stay.

This is not love. Love is not abusive. Love doesn't leave you crying, confused and scared.

You know in your gut that you have to leave.

Bogisbunceandbean · 09/09/2022 10:14

Love is consistent, this is manipulation.

hiredandsqueak · 09/09/2022 10:15

Go and don't look back it will get worse if you stay.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/09/2022 10:16

He is manipulating you. Don't fall for it.

JasperJohnsPaintbrush · 09/09/2022 10:20

He's telling you to stay is he!

He cannot tell you what to do. You need to listen to your head, to your gut feeling, because from what I've read of your words, he is abusive, manipulative, controlling, and a sex pest.

Sign your lease. Move into your house. Take some time and breathing space so that you can think more clearly about what you want from YOUR life. You are not responsible for his.

Be strong, you can do this.
Good luck.

sleepymum50 · 09/09/2022 10:20

Make a list of all the things he has done, and put it against a list of what he says.

As is often said on MN his actions will tell you who he is.

If his actions/behaviour tell one story and his words another, you know you need to leave.

LadyDanburysHat · 09/09/2022 10:20

Of course he is doing this. Being abusive isn't going to work right now. So he will do this to wear you down, and as soon as you are back under his spell the abuse will start again.

Please leave, you planned to leave for a reason, it hasn't changed. He hasn't changed.

katseyes7 · 09/09/2022 10:27

Oh, OP. I had this. The morning after we moved into our own places after selling the marital home, he turned up at my house at 8am crying and begging me to try again.
Please don't. Things won't change, l promise you. I also had the years of abuse, nastiness, being pressured/forced into having sex, even when l'd said no very plainly, etc.
He isn't going to transform overnight. He's realised he's losing his metaphorical punchbag and he can't cope with it. Please, please don't give in.
It's hard being on your own at first, but the sense of peace and calm you get when you can go to bed and sleep without being anxious or scared is wonderful.
I wish you a lovely new life without him. Good luck x

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 09/09/2022 10:33

If you are anything like I was, the minute you shut the door behind you in your new flat you will feel as if the biggest ever weight has been lifted from your shoulders. You are doing the right thing by leaving. Go and sign that lease right now.

MaitreKarlsson · 09/09/2022 10:41

Don't give in....no way. Sign the lease for your new home and leave. Even now he's not really accepting any blame. What makes you think he'll suddenly change?

IrishladyNE · 09/09/2022 10:56

Gemski38 · 09/09/2022 10:10

Still cannot accept blame at all, have tried to have conversations about what's happened and gone in, but he just simply puts all blame back onto me.

Round and Round we go, he will not accept or acknowledge my feelings at all

When I bring up the names, he has called me over the years i get
"that's in the past, stop bringing it up, i only call you names because im angry"

This morning he did it again, i was exhausted and half asleep, he kept on and on, and i gave in 😟I really didnt want to, i was in and out of sleep, not reacting at all. Now i feel terrible..

He thinks we are getting back together and keeps telling me "fuck the house, our marriage is more important"

As i am due to sign a lease today for a rental house..

Move out and do not look back!!! You will look back and realise it was the best decision you have ever made. I do! I am happy, we have peaceful home and i dread to think how bad it would be now had I stayed.

Dillydollydingdong · 09/09/2022 11:20

Best thing would be to sign the lease and go ahead with the rental. Then he knows you're serious. If he genuinely wants you back he'll have to prove he's changed, not just try for a few days and then go back to Square 1.

KangarooKenny · 09/09/2022 11:22

It’s called control. Don’t let him control you.

TheCatterall · 09/09/2022 11:27

Like a petulant child he’s trying every technique in the book to get his own way when his tantrums and bad behaviour have caused you to say enough. He’ll love bomb you until you agree to stay. He’ll be back to normal within 4-6 weeks. They don’t change.

you don’t need him to agree he was at fault. You don’t need anything from him.

you just need to leave.

Pheefifofuckthisshit · 09/09/2022 11:30

Get out. Don't look back.

And op please be careful. This is a dangerous time for you. Do you have a grab bag somewhere safe? Does anyone close to you know your situation?

Get that lease signed and move in as soon as you can!

If you want to keep the atmosphere when with him calm and non-explosive perhaps change the subject when you can. Be busy out of the house as much as you can. Eg take your time at the shop, take kid to the park, go to the library ec. And when you are home be calm and grey rock as much as possible.

He will never change.
Look at what you went through this morning before you'd even got out of bed. 😢 He's horrid.

Elieza · 09/09/2022 11:33

Move out. He’s a manipulator. He will always be a manipulator.

Leave and don’t look back.

All the best for your new life. One in which you can do what you want when you want and be happy.

He doesn’t love you. He just wants a whipping boy.

greystarblanchard · 09/09/2022 11:36

You can do this. Sign that lease and don’t look back.

CoolerThanIceCream · 09/09/2022 11:41

He hasn't done anything
He has tried so hard the last 6 months
He is walking on eggshells around me
He can't talk to me about anything
He has supported me with my nursing
He has been trying to hard
It's me that is cold and heartless

If any of that were even partially true, then surely he’d be begging to leave such an awful situation?

Why on earth would he hand around?

It doesn’t make sense.

PomegranateOfPersephone · 09/09/2022 11:47

I recently attended a seminar on domestic violence (not my area of expertise I just chose to attend).

What you describe, crying, pleading and love bombing is a standard tactic according to what I heard in the seminar. From your description he is coercing you to do intimate things you don’t want to do. Have you sought support and information from a domestic violence charity?

What if you had a friend, relative or child in the same situation you are in? What would you suggest to her?

lilroo87 · 09/09/2022 11:49

Leave!!
Definitely don't stay, he'll never change and the love bombing is him
Realising he's about to lose the control he thinks he has over you.
Best thing for you and your son is to leave and never regret it!

SquirrelSoShiny · 09/09/2022 11:49

Leave, leave, leave. Leave.

Purplecatshopaholic · 09/09/2022 11:49

greystarblanchard · 09/09/2022 11:36

You can do this. Sign that lease and don’t look back.

This. Do. Not. Give. In. You would deeply regret it.

espressomartini22 · 11/09/2022 17:56

I agree with everyone, sign the lease!
Don't let him manipulate you!!

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