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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Help! Dad wants rid of Mum's stuff, but won't let her fetch it?!

45 replies

WoodlandsMum22 · 08/09/2022 15:11

Sorry for the long post!
So, this a complicated one...
My Mum (62) and dad (68) over the Summer in 2020, after being married 44 years. They are still married and have not started divorce proceedings and I'm not sure they will ever bother. They had lived in a rented housing association semi since 2000. Mum left the tenancy so Dad now rents it on his own as sole tenant.

The loft is FULL of stuff, mostly mums, then various childhood belonging to me and my two siblings. The marriage did not end amicably on my Dad's part, he is still bitter, says he hates her and never wants to see her again. Here is the tricky bit...

He says he wants rid of her stuff, but will not let her retrieve it. He will not let anyone she knows help, she cannot just hire a man with a van as they won't go in the loft, and it needs organising. Dad also refuses to get any of it down from the loft to even get it outside, so suggestions of leaving it outside for her are pointless.

I cannot help, I live on the other side of the country now and have a 10 month old to look after. My sister sided with mum and excommunicated Dad, and Dad won't let my brother help either. Both me and my brother are on good terms with both Mum and Dad as we refused to take sides.

Dad has just rang and asked what are his rights in terms of stopping her retrieving her stuff so that he "doesn't make a fool of himself". This is obviously ridiculous but I thought I'd seen if anyone knows the laws for this, hopefully one that can end in Mum getting her stuff back without having to speak to Dad, and so then Dad stopping going on to me about "that bloody loft" full of stuff! He has talked about hiring a skip and throwing it all out which I suspect may be illegal and he will also probably end up throwing some of my childhood things away which I would like to retrieve when I feel my DS is up to the trip.

Gah! Please help!

OP posts:

Doidontimmm · 08/09/2022 19:44

I would tell him if he won’t do anything about it I was unwilling to participate in any conversation with him about it and refuse to engage every time.

Original poster

WoodlandsMum22 · 08/09/2022 20:08

@Doidontimmm I think ultimately that is what is going to have to happen and he'll just have to live with it above him, or get out of his head and sort it with her directly (never in a million years!!).

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 08/09/2022 22:37

She needs to get a court order, a ladder to the attic, a groupnof friends to form a human chain, and accompanying police.

That will give the neighbours something to look at.

zgirldreamsoftulum · 10/09/2022 23:54

It is a difficult situation but go east on your dad as it sounds as though he's in a lot of pain

zgirldreamsoftulum · 10/09/2022 23:54

Easy not east

FantasticButtocks · 11/09/2022 00:20

I think you should tell both your parents that you are stepping away from their drama. You have a baby and your own life to live. They are both experiencing the consequences of their own life choices and it doesn't need to be your problem to solve, and it's unfair of them to ask that of you.

Perhaps start by saying 'look dad, I'm not discussing this anymore, it's really not my issue to solve you wanting rid of mum's stuff and being obstructive about that actually being done. It's not actually my fault or responsibility how things ended between you. If you can't sort it out between you then neither of you will be happy, and that's not something I can prevent, it's your choice, your decision and your responsibility. So let's leave it there.'

Perhaps that will galvanise him into action.

Minimalme · 11/09/2022 07:52

You Dad is being selfish and mean. I would be less partisan and tell him that unless he allows your Mother to gather her stuff and helps here do that, he can fuck off out of your life.

Your poor Mum, forced to grab whatever she could purely because she wanted to end her relationship (and why wouldn't she).

I think your sister has done the right thing cutting him off. He is a bastard.

Frostine · 05/12/2022 10:43

I know this is a few months old so potentially a zombie thread , but this just popped into threads and I wondered if they eventually sorted it out ?

secondaryquandries · 05/12/2022 10:47

Can you just hire a local man with a van to go in, take out and drive to your mums?

secondaryquandries · 05/12/2022 10:48

Ah just seen I'm very late to the thread!!

2pinkginsplease · 05/12/2022 10:52

Reading through your posts shows your dad for a controlling, bullying partner, I’m not surprised your mum left. This is your dads last element of control over your mum. Not the kind of dad I would want in my life.

if that was my parent I’d be telling him straight to enable your mum to retrieve her belongings.

Original poster

WoodlandsMum22 · 05/12/2022 14:00

Yeah still not resolved! I visited recently and went in the loft myself, it's like the world's worst jumble sale, I don't think you'd gey any professional happy to go in there. I managed to get a few bits out under the proviso I was keeping or selling the items, but actually they were things for my sister and mum. He did say this time he would give her 7 days at some point to sort it, but until it happens I wouldn't count on it. I have told him there is lots I still want for myself out of the loft that I couldn't take (visited just me and my 13 month old, doesn't leave much room in the car!), so not to get rid of anything yet. He keeps threatening to get a skip but A) expensive and B) he can't physically empty the loft on himself as it's at least a two person job and besides, he has chronic bronchitis so not exactly fit to be going up and down a ladder.

Also no, I won't cut him off, I know he is clearly not being at all nice about mum, but I keep them seperate and don't allow him to mad mouth her to me, he knows I'm not interested in hearing it, and that I don't agree with his point of view.

OP posts:

Robin233 · 05/12/2022 14:20

Only read op's post but...
How you ever considered just walking away - as in.
Draw a line.
It's just stuff / clutter / an anchor to the past.
If your mum told him ti 'skip' the lot - she'd feel so much better x

Original poster

WoodlandsMum22 · 05/12/2022 17:32

I wish she would, however she is a very sentimental person, which is why she has so much stuff in the first place! Also keeps things in case they are useful one day to anyone, bordering on a hoarder really. She now rents a tiny one bed cottage so it will only go from being stored in one place to this other storage she has found, I doubt she will actually ever sort it properly as she has been saying for the past 10+ years so will sort the loft.

OP posts:

Robin233 · 05/12/2022 20:43

Read the book Karen Kingston - clear your clutter - without guilt or pain.
It's as if your mum and dad are doing a dance with the clutter - that nobody wants.
It's their way of remaining 'eternally intwined'
Sentimental maybe, but it's just stuff.
In fact your dad is doing her a favour by storing it.
Get her to embrace her freedom and enjoy the unfilled space in her cottage.
Let go of her past (and her association and sentimentally to her old cutter stuff that she's managed to live without this long, your dad, her old marriage and old life )
She's needs to move forward.
In fact next time she brings this up I'd ignore and talk all new and exciting stuff her life could become.

Original poster

WoodlandsMum22 · 06/12/2022 05:48

Exactly - she has done just fine without it for nearly two years so it isn't vital stuff, she had some time when she left to take a lot of stuff do she has all of her clothes, jewellery and photos. She is continuing to pay the house/contents insurance whilst her things are there, which I don't think Dad is actually aware of (wouldn't even cross his mind). Her tiny cottage is already crammed with random things, I stayed there on my visit and she has everything from a vintage paraffin lamp to a kids plastic table (dismantled)! I'm definitely going to introduce the angle of do you actually need it, next time she mentions it.

OP posts:

tribpot · 06/12/2022 06:25

I think I'd tell her the contents insurance is cheaper than the storage unit she'd have to get to house all this crap otherwise. You can continue to spirit things out for her as and when, so really there's no issue.

On a side note, I hope she's enjoying her new freedom. Your description of her life from the age of 18 made me shudder.

Snnowflake · 06/12/2022 06:46

I'm sure once you get it into daylight it will look like a load of old tat.
The fact you want it is giving him power.
Chuck the lot. Or leave it and let him take the risk of a fire.

Snnowflake · 06/12/2022 06:47

I cleared my DM's and my DAunt's houses when they died and all the stuff they'd treasured as being valuable - wasn't!

Original poster

WoodlandsMum22 · 06/12/2022 10:57

She's managed to get storage through her landlord but from the sounds of it, it's a brick out building, so everything it probably destined for ruin if it ever gets there...
Unfortunately I live 200 miles away, so I can't regularly get things out. This recent visit was my first in 3 years due to covid and then having a baby!

I would say it's pretty much all "tat", if it ever was once good its likely wrecked from sitting in the loft not probably stored for so long. I found a dead vole when I went up there, so likely there are other rodents having fun up there too.

Mum is definitely enjoying her new freedom, thank you! Does as she pleases, when she pleases, and you can really tell she is a lot happier. She is certainly making up for lost time!

OP posts:

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