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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Report H or not and to who ?

16 replies

anotherwasherwoman · 08/09/2022 08:00

I'm going through a drawn out divorce and because H is deliberately delaying things as much as he can and we're jointly spending a fortune on solicitors/the process.

He doesn't want to have to move out of the family home so this is his motive for dragging things out. Given how much money we've had to spend to get to this stage, our savings are almost gone now. He hasn't worked through choice for some time now, (since not long after the divorce proceedings started) as he believes this will mean he will be seen to need a bigger share of the pot of marital assets so will benefit him financially. He's saying he has mental/physcial health issues so can't work any more but isn't seeking any GP confirmation of these or treatment . We really can't afford to run a second home for him.

He's been verbally aggressive for years now and there have been pushing/shoving incidences from him too, much more since the divorce process started.

Late the other night I was sitting at the kitchen table (because I can't bear to be in the lounge with him) watching a film on my ipad when he came into the kitchen and as he passed behind my chair he he pushed forcefully against the back of my head with his hand, if I hadn't braced the muscles, I'd have had my head forced forwards into the table/ipad. He did the same thing when he left the kitchen and twice more when he came back and forth again later. (I was stupidly in denial that he'd do it again each time) It was briefly painful each time.

The next evening I started to feel that my neck muscles are aching and I couldn't get particularly comfortable with my pillows that night due to this. 24 hours later and I'm still feeling it.

I suspect it's related to having to tense the neck muscles up to avoid him slamming my head forward in to the table. Obviously there's nothing to be seen and no way of proving the discomfort to anyone, it's just my word against his that it happened at all.

Is there a way of reporting this so that I can refer back to it should I need to in the future but without getting him a record which might prevent him gaining employment if it finally dawns on him that he's going to have to support himself after the divorce goes through ? Like I say, we really can't afford to run 2 homes and I don't want the kids mentally scarred/embarrassed to see him living the life of a homeless person. His parents are not an option for somewhere to live as they're in sheltered accomodation already and he has no siblings or friends who would take him in.

OP posts:
earlybaby · 08/09/2022 08:02

Sorry this happened to you. Log it with your GP, that way you can refer back if needed.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 08/09/2022 08:05

It's physical abuse. Suspect he's doing it that way so you can't say he hit you etc, and will possibly try and claim you are lying, or it was an 'accident'. If you don't feel safe in your own home, that's really stressful. Can you have a word with Womens Aid or similar? To discuss options?

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 08/09/2022 08:06

Sorry it's so bad for you BTW. Been there, and am much happier now he's gone Flowers

Stickmansmum · 08/09/2022 08:06

That is physically aggressive. You could log it with the local police I would think with the concern that he is being increasingly physically aggressive but that you don’t want to press any charges at this point.

I think you need him out, regardless of whether he ends up homeless. He’s not your responsibility. Even considering the children. He’s not. And imagine what they’re learning from him in terms of how to deal with conflict😥

sevenbyseven · 08/09/2022 08:32

I would report it to the police. Like you say, there's not enough evidence to charge him but he mustn't think there are no consequences to his actions. Also speak to your GP and perhaps Women's Aid for advice. You need to get away from him as soon as you can Sad

VanillaParkersBowl · 08/09/2022 08:41

I would log it with your GP and speak to Women's Aid. Mine was like that, only did things that were so easily deniable and left no evidence. Keep a (hidden) diary of all of his behaviour. I'm sorry you're going through this Flowers

fUNNYfACE36 · 08/09/2022 09:01

I agree you need to report it. Although he will inevitably deny it and day you were making it up to try and get him out

DisforDarkChocolate · 08/09/2022 09:04

GP and police and start using your laptop to record you when you watch TV.

Isaidnoalready · 08/09/2022 09:07

My guess is he is trying to get you to move out so he can have the house and kids so he can then force you to pay child support

girlmom21 · 08/09/2022 09:13

Isaidnoalready · 08/09/2022 09:07

My guess is he is trying to get you to move out so he can have the house and kids so he can then force you to pay child support

I agree with this. He wants to make living there unbearable.

anotherwasherwoman · 10/09/2022 17:40

Thanks for all the posts. I did report the matter to the police (who seemed quite understanding about the whole scenario) as I was concerned the aggression will escalate as the divorce proceeds. I'm not pressing charges at this point in time.

OP posts:
Surtsey · 10/09/2022 17:44

He has physically assaulted you more than once. Why don't you want this taken more seriously by the police?

Paganfreya1988 · 10/09/2022 17:52

On Amazon love you can buy mini cameras, buy one and put it in the kitchen, hide it well and collect your evidence, this is abuse. If you are worried about him opening your post, confer with a neighbour and let the parcel go there, or work etc. Even the police should you need to go down that route will need evidence. If he hasn’t no where to go, until it’s all settled with solicitors perhaps try and keep segregated from him, have a room each with shared bathroom and kitchen. That may not be plausible if you haven’t the rooms spare, but he is just being an arse, and whether I had kids or not I would either Chuck him out, or maybe ring the abuse hotline. Whatever you think of him with the kids, does not warrant his behaviour, he is trying to get you to leave. The courts favour mums with kids, he’s in the wrong, so whatever you do hun, you need to be strong, and get an injection or something to stop him coming in the house. He is playing a crafty game.

RandomMess · 10/09/2022 18:02

Speak to Rights of Woman, they will help you gain an occupation order due to escalating abuse and just for the court fees.

Flowers
GothicSierra · 10/09/2022 18:23

Whatever route you decide, you as a parent need to protect your kids, if that means he leaves or you leave the house, ensure you are safe, everything can be sorted afterwards. You and your kids are worth more than this vile man🙂

holidaynightmare · 10/09/2022 20:25

sevenbyseven · 08/09/2022 08:32

I would report it to the police. Like you say, there's not enough evidence to charge him but he mustn't think there are no consequences to his actions. Also speak to your GP and perhaps Women's Aid for advice. You need to get away from him as soon as you can Sad

This exactly you should have reported it immediately and not left it it's totally unacceptable

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