Gosh this is hard

neverfunny · 2022-09-07T13:48:25+00:00

I have posted before (nc previously) about leaving my husband. I finally dropped the bombshell six months ago and we are headed towards the conditional order. We still live together and it has veered between extremely acrimonious to quite pleasant back and forth. After spending six months being quite nasty to me he is now incredibly depressed and tearful. I am constantly questioning if I have done the right thing. We are going to really struggle separately financially, and practically to a point. We have a beautiful house which was our forever home which now needs to be sold. The kids are upset (late teens). It all feels like such a mess. He's familiar and what I know, even though I feel huge relief when we make progress with the divorce or if he's away overnight. I don't even know what I am asking really. Does everyone feel like this? Is it just panic? I feel really sad that we had dreams and plans and I am just scared for the future. Feeling blue :(

Gemski38 · 07/09/2022 16:29

I am signing for a rented house Friday. The anxiety i have is awful, i have cried all day.
Apart from the odd text saying “let’s do relationship counselling” he’s not bothered at all. Happy, smiling, going about his daily life. like the whole 9 years have meant nothing. IT HURTS, so much. I can’t stop crying today, i feel so worthless and unlovable.
In between stonewalling me, no communication at all, when he’s here Hes acting normal, as if the break up hasn’t affected him at all. It’s killing me. My rational brain is thinking how can i man that apparently worships you, be so calm and cool after 9 years?
No communication, no asking me if im ok? no tears? I think this is the hardest thing, accepting they don’t really care about you 🙁
It’s like i’m longing to reach out, say im sorry, but i haven’t done anything? my feelings haven’t been considered at all
It hurts so bad

I feel the same, should i just say sorry and stay, its financially stable, the children are settled.. But he's abusive, can be very mean when angry, won't take blame at all.. so it would be a case of staying and accepting this treatment i suppose

do you love him? is he kind? can you make it work?

it's so hard isn't it xx

Original poster

neverfunny · 08/09/2022 08:15

Gemski38 · 07/09/2022 16:29

I am signing for a rented house Friday. The anxiety i have is awful, i have cried all day.
Apart from the odd text saying “let’s do relationship counselling” he’s not bothered at all. Happy, smiling, going about his daily life. like the whole 9 years have meant nothing. IT HURTS, so much. I can’t stop crying today, i feel so worthless and unlovable.
In between stonewalling me, no communication at all, when he’s here Hes acting normal, as if the break up hasn’t affected him at all. It’s killing me. My rational brain is thinking how can i man that apparently worships you, be so calm and cool after 9 years?
No communication, no asking me if im ok? no tears? I think this is the hardest thing, accepting they don’t really care about you 🙁
It’s like i’m longing to reach out, say im sorry, but i haven’t done anything? my feelings haven’t been considered at all
It hurts so bad

I feel the same, should i just say sorry and stay, its financially stable, the children are settled.. But he's abusive, can be very mean when angry, won't take blame at all.. so it would be a case of staying and accepting this treatment i suppose

do you love him? is he kind? can you make it work?

it's so hard isn't it xx

I'm really sorry to hear you're also having a tough time. My DH was being terribly nasty for weeks and then last week broke down in tears saying how he didn't want to be nasty, he was so hurt and didn't want to lose me. I wonder if your DH is doing the same? Trying to hurt you because he is also hurt?

Not a single friend has said I am doing the wrong thing. I think what I am struggling most with is (this might sound mental) as I move around the house, in particular the kitchen, and see all the things we have built up over the years - the home we have spent 25 years making - that's what makes me sad. I think it's the loss of the familiar.

I didn't expect it to be this hard and find myself tearful alot even though I am usually unemotional.

I hope moving into your new house goes ok. Maybe when you are away from the environment and have some space, you might start to see things a bit more clearly and be able to look to the future. Good luck xx

OP posts:

hobbledyhoy · 08/09/2022 08:38

It must be very difficult but having seen friends and family go through the same, this point is always the hardest, just before the change. You're naturally going to question your decisions but by the sounds of some of the behaviour it looks to be the right one. The fact that all your friends agree also speaks volumes.
He's been incredibly nasty to you, make sure you don't forget that when you have a wobble, it's easy to gloss over things when they move into memory.
Inner strength, head held high and depart calmly with no reaction to his new tactic.
I wish you the very best of luck and I bet in 6 months you'll look back on it as the best decision you ever made and wished you'd done it sooner.
Good luck OP

DillonPanthersTexas · 08/09/2022 09:10

Apart from the odd text saying “let’s do relationship counselling” he’s not bothered at all. Happy, smiling, going about his daily life. like the whole 9 years have meant nothing. IT HURTS, so much. I can’t stop crying today, i feel so worthless and unlovable.
In between stonewalling me, no communication at all, when he’s here Hes acting normal, as if the break up hasn’t affected him at all. It’s killing me. My rational brain is thinking how can i man that apparently worships you, be so calm and cool after 9 years?
No communication, no asking me if im ok? no tears? I think this is the hardest thing, accepting they don’t really care about you 🙁

I have to confess I am a bit curious as to how some people get upset that the person they have just ended a relationship with is not demonstrating sufficient emotional fallout to their satisfaction. Would you honestly prefer it if day to day he was a crying mess begging for you to reconsider? I assume it was you who instigated the divorce after a prolonged period of contemplation and reconciling things in your head, maybe he recognises that your decision to separate, although painful, is the correct one so is not resisting it?? You are still living together during a very difficult period and him 'pretending' things are okay and normal is his way if dealing with it until you move into separate accommodation. His grieving may be when he is alone in the car or down the park or when venting to a trusted friend, just not in front of you.

Original poster

neverfunny · 08/09/2022 09:37

DillonPanthersTexas · 08/09/2022 09:10

Apart from the odd text saying “let’s do relationship counselling” he’s not bothered at all. Happy, smiling, going about his daily life. like the whole 9 years have meant nothing. IT HURTS, so much. I can’t stop crying today, i feel so worthless and unlovable.
In between stonewalling me, no communication at all, when he’s here Hes acting normal, as if the break up hasn’t affected him at all. It’s killing me. My rational brain is thinking how can i man that apparently worships you, be so calm and cool after 9 years?
No communication, no asking me if im ok? no tears? I think this is the hardest thing, accepting they don’t really care about you 🙁

I have to confess I am a bit curious as to how some people get upset that the person they have just ended a relationship with is not demonstrating sufficient emotional fallout to their satisfaction. Would you honestly prefer it if day to day he was a crying mess begging for you to reconsider? I assume it was you who instigated the divorce after a prolonged period of contemplation and reconciling things in your head, maybe he recognises that your decision to separate, although painful, is the correct one so is not resisting it?? You are still living together during a very difficult period and him 'pretending' things are okay and normal is his way if dealing with it until you move into separate accommodation. His grieving may be when he is alone in the car or down the park or when venting to a trusted friend, just not in front of you.

I definitely preferred it when my DH was being vile and nasty. I had two days of sobbing, begging, emotional texts last week and it was awful. I am a private person so I deal with my feelings alone and I suppose that's why it made me uncomfortable, although I can't deny that seeing anyone upset is hard.

OP posts:

StaplesCorner · 09/09/2022 23:51

OP I've just posted on a similar thread that it seems natural to have second thoughts - we've had our house 28 years and even little things like a nice shelf we recently had put up in the utility room really gets to me - we worked hard for all this and I will never be able to afford somewhere as lovely as this ever again.

We are stuck in this house now till we can sell maybe 6-9 months time. H is entirely quiet, seems a bit creepy as he traipses round asking if he can help or asking if everyone is ok (clearly stuff he should have been doing and acting on 20 years ago!) We've been going to Relate to help him come to terms with things and its even worse there, lots of begging and saying its not fair etc. I don't think there is an easy way out for anyone, particularly not after all these years. Lots of conflicting feelings - guilt and grief - there's a loss on both sides, even if you instigated the divorce.

AlexandraJJ · 10/09/2022 00:14

Feeling your anguish. For what it’s worth I instigated a split in 2020. As soon as lockdown ended he moved out. The night before I begged him not to go (panic). He left the next day. I’d been unhappy for a long time (and so had he) I had asked him for years what I could do for my part to fix the marriage. He never once gave me an answer. In many ways I did the majority of my grieving when we were together. It was hard when he left but I felt relief and that I could breathe again as much as I was upset that I couldn’t fix the marriage. Divorce followed of which he instigated and didn’t tell me he was doing so. Fast forward I moved house in the summer back to my home town. DD is thriving, loves her new school, has made lots of friends, sees her dad every other weekend and I am physically and emotionally where I need to be. My previous house was my forever home and I said goodbye to each room through tears and lingered in the beautiful garden trying to memorise every flower and scent before DD and I got in the car and drove 150 miles to a new life. I have no regrets, it’s not been easy but knowing if we had stayed together I would be lonely, unloved and unappreciated for the rest of my life and that thought spurred me on. I knew there were no guarantees that I would ever find the love I hope existed but what I did know is that without ending it I would never have that with him and just get more upset and feeling worthless. I guess what I’m saying is don’t put off doing the right thing because of fear. Take a leap of faith and listen to that voice that’s telling you what you need to do. Life is way too short, don’t wait around for another 5 or 10 years to do what makes you happy. Be strong and look ahead, and walk forward 🙂

Original poster

neverfunny · 12/09/2022 08:03

StaplesCorner · 09/09/2022 23:51

OP I've just posted on a similar thread that it seems natural to have second thoughts - we've had our house 28 years and even little things like a nice shelf we recently had put up in the utility room really gets to me - we worked hard for all this and I will never be able to afford somewhere as lovely as this ever again.

We are stuck in this house now till we can sell maybe 6-9 months time. H is entirely quiet, seems a bit creepy as he traipses round asking if he can help or asking if everyone is ok (clearly stuff he should have been doing and acting on 20 years ago!) We've been going to Relate to help him come to terms with things and its even worse there, lots of begging and saying its not fair etc. I don't think there is an easy way out for anyone, particularly not after all these years. Lots of conflicting feelings - guilt and grief - there's a loss on both sides, even if you instigated the divorce.

I'm sorry you're going through it too. It helps to know that you feel the same about your little shelf as I do about things. It's really hard to keep moving forward. We did counselling a few years ago but it was only a temporary fix :( Good luck xxx

OP posts:

Original poster

neverfunny · 12/09/2022 08:06

AlexandraJJ · 10/09/2022 00:14

Feeling your anguish. For what it’s worth I instigated a split in 2020. As soon as lockdown ended he moved out. The night before I begged him not to go (panic). He left the next day. I’d been unhappy for a long time (and so had he) I had asked him for years what I could do for my part to fix the marriage. He never once gave me an answer. In many ways I did the majority of my grieving when we were together. It was hard when he left but I felt relief and that I could breathe again as much as I was upset that I couldn’t fix the marriage. Divorce followed of which he instigated and didn’t tell me he was doing so. Fast forward I moved house in the summer back to my home town. DD is thriving, loves her new school, has made lots of friends, sees her dad every other weekend and I am physically and emotionally where I need to be. My previous house was my forever home and I said goodbye to each room through tears and lingered in the beautiful garden trying to memorise every flower and scent before DD and I got in the car and drove 150 miles to a new life. I have no regrets, it’s not been easy but knowing if we had stayed together I would be lonely, unloved and unappreciated for the rest of my life and that thought spurred me on. I knew there were no guarantees that I would ever find the love I hope existed but what I did know is that without ending it I would never have that with him and just get more upset and feeling worthless. I guess what I’m saying is don’t put off doing the right thing because of fear. Take a leap of faith and listen to that voice that’s telling you what you need to do. Life is way too short, don’t wait around for another 5 or 10 years to do what makes you happy. Be strong and look ahead, and walk forward 🙂

Thank you for your message and it's lovely to hear that you are coming out the other side. I recently said to my friend how sad I would be to leave my home because we have beautiful sunrises in the garden and she said the sunrise is beautiful wherever you wake up and that really made me think. I am just taking a small step every day to get through this. xx

OP posts:

Alexis92 · 12/09/2022 09:59

I felt the same OP. Was only in my home with ex for a few years but I thought it was my forever home, where I would grow old etc. I instigated the end and we are in a similar situation to you whilst sale goes through. I initially worried I had made the wrong decision but then I wrote down a list of all the reasons why I had ended things. I look at this every time bloody facebook memories shows me a reminder too. I now can't wait to be in my new place (even though it is back to leasehold and smaller) and make it mine.

You got this

Original poster

neverfunny · 12/09/2022 12:52

Alexis92 · 12/09/2022 09:59

I felt the same OP. Was only in my home with ex for a few years but I thought it was my forever home, where I would grow old etc. I instigated the end and we are in a similar situation to you whilst sale goes through. I initially worried I had made the wrong decision but then I wrote down a list of all the reasons why I had ended things. I look at this every time bloody facebook memories shows me a reminder too. I now can't wait to be in my new place (even though it is back to leasehold and smaller) and make it mine.

You got this

I think a list would be good. This morning all I can think is that I want my family back. But there are reasons that got me here so I have to focus on them. I had no idea it would be this difficult.

OP posts:

uncertainalice · 12/09/2022 13:04

Similar here, I instigated the divorce after years of emotional abuse...but I still wonder if I'm doing the right thing, even though it would be unbearable to go back to how it was, and day-to-day I and DC are a lot happier.

I think a lot of it is grieving for what might/should have been, and it's hard that XH has been so passive, has seemingly made no effort to try and make things better, just wants to whine and cry so that I feel sorry for him. Which mostly I don't.

The thing that keeps me going is making myself imagine what it would be like to stop everything, to ring him and say "come back"...and for him to move back in. A few moments' thought along those lines makes me realise I'm doing the right thing...it just IS hard, but that doesn't make it wrong.

Doingprettywellthanks · 12/09/2022 13:07

I love my new new home after I divorced 5 years ago

all mine and the children’s and I was able to decorate it exactly how I wanted. I feel happy whenever I walk in.

and our divorce was very amiable and good friends

Doingprettywellthanks · 12/09/2022 13:09

I read the threads about holidays ruined due to arguments, tension filled weekends, awful christmases… and I think
“thank fu*k my children and I don’t live like that!”

Original poster

neverfunny · 13/09/2022 09:57

I am suddenly in panic mode that I am doing the wrong thing. I wasn't desperately miserable but I felt lonely and unfulfilled. My friend says I am going through a stage of grieving and it's normal but I am having terrible cold feet. My DH is being really persuasive. How on earth can I distinguish from a natural state of grief and genuine second thoughts?

OP posts:

Doingprettywellthanks · 13/09/2022 10:42

Back in May you posted that your husband had started divorce proceedings?

Original poster

neverfunny · 13/09/2022 10:50

Doingprettywellthanks · 13/09/2022 10:42

Back in May you posted that your husband had started divorce proceedings?

Yes that's right. I instigated the split. He submitted the divorce application but he says he did this to shock me into staying....

OP posts:

ChsmpagneWannaBe · 13/09/2022 10:51

Stay strong. Your new future will be worth it.

Doingprettywellthanks · 13/09/2022 10:53

Op

No one can make this decision for you. Doesn’t sound like much of a life : marriage to me and pretty soon it will be just you and your husband as children moving / moved out. If you can put his betrayal aside and think about all the good parts - there’s hope.

if you can’t and don’t see many if any good features - then it’s doesn’t look like a happy future to me but I’m an anonymous mumsnetter who doesn’t know anything about you and your marriage beyond a few posts!

Original poster

neverfunny · 13/09/2022 11:35

Doingprettywellthanks · 13/09/2022 10:53

Op

No one can make this decision for you. Doesn’t sound like much of a life : marriage to me and pretty soon it will be just you and your husband as children moving / moved out. If you can put his betrayal aside and think about all the good parts - there’s hope.

if you can’t and don’t see many if any good features - then it’s doesn’t look like a happy future to me but I’m an anonymous mumsnetter who doesn’t know anything about you and your marriage beyond a few posts!

You are right of course... I am just clutching at straws I think....

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