Court Orders for Teens (and controlling Ex’s)

[Jne1]

I’m divorced and financially free of my Ex. It was an acrimonious divorce and I had hoped the animosity would settle once the divorce was over. It hasn’t. My eldest (14) hasn’t seen him since end of April as he has called her a bully, told her in his ‘family’ no one likes her. My youngest (13) still sees him.
The Ex appears very angry that he has to pay maintenance and refuses to be constructive (- understatement - actively tells me he was welfare concerns, won’t confirm or clarify arrangements, which makes holiday planning a nightmare, tries to demand I drop the children to him on his nights or ‘it’s not fair’). His latest email states he’s visited my house on certain days to check where my car is and looked through windows and observed the children.

In essence, I’ve had enough. I feel I need a court order that sets out basic arrangements so we have a plan that just rolls from one year to the next, and takes out the drama of the Ex stating ‘no we agreed x,y,z’ or whatever whim he wants to follow.

Which leads to my question… how do those of you with court orders for older children give them the flex that the need (eg to not go somewhere they don’t want to go) but gives some kind of routine?

What do you wish you’d included, but didn’t.

And how do you manage with dates that ‘change’ each year - eg if I would like my children to be with me on Mother’s Day but this date falls on ‘his’ weekend, how do you manage this (without having to go through the rigmarole of trying to negotiate a weekend to swop with - with someone that doesn’t negotiate).

All help appreciated :-)

In your position I don’t think you can go to court - it’s him who would need to apply as you already have the children

at your children’s age I believe their views are taken into account quite significantly regardless of your and your ex preferences re contact

i doubt there’ll be room for flexibility as that’s the whole point of going to court - to get contact days and times set in stone!

personally if your eldest doesn’t want to go no need to force them but please ensure that this is because you are keeping them away from risk and harm not because of something not going your way. Keep all evidence to justify no contact

As your child is 14 it is up to them when they see their father.

If the 13 year old turned around tomorrow and decided to stop seeing their father, again he could do nothing particularly due to the backlogs in the Courts which means your 13 year old will be 14 once it gets to Court.

In regards to him checking your car keep the email/message - take a screenshot if it is Whatsapp or any messaging app. Then if he causes you problems report him to the police and give them a copy of the message. He isn't allowed to harass you.

You need to learn to ignore your ex and not engage with him after you have told him once in writing - use email - that due to your children's ages he needs to talk to them directly to arrange when they want to see him. State that you have encouraged them to engage with them but if they don't want to communicate with him or see him there is nothing you can do.

you have encouraged them to engage with him rather.

A court won’t put an order in place at those ages

Thanks @millymollymoomoo , it’s interesting you say that as when I spoke to a sol yesterday they stated that it could be?

I was outlined three options - 1) Do Nothing 2) Instigate Proceedings 3) Let him instigate proceedings.

Re 3) - I believe he is too cheap. Wants to create as much chaos as possible, emotionally blackmail the youngest to see him (on non agreed days), even if this causes upset to the childrens

@Quitelikeit of absolutely re the 14YO. I am not stopping her from going and she knows she is able to go, however he has been so hurtful toward her and made no effort to ‘build any bridges’. School fully aware and it’s documented (by myself and them) the series of incidences that have made this the state of play.

The sol I saw yesterday said that either of us could apply for an order. I’d just like some consistency. I don’t want to reduce his contact for the youngest, but I do want there to be documented base line eg she doesn’t want to see him on a Monday (as she has a test), doesn’t mean he can see her on a Tuesday (when there are other plans), as it’s inconsistent especially during term time. Bigger picture - he refuses to commit or confirm anything and argues ag any possible opportunity. Didn’t stick to any mediation agreements, including what the children told the mediator what was best for them.

A court won’t force a teen to go against their wishes

i think it highly unlikely they’d put an order in place knowing that it won’t be enforced