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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Leaving husband with no job or house

28 replies

catLADY7756 · 06/09/2022 21:53

I can’t bare living any longer with my husband. He is emotionally abusive and I want to leave. He is a lawyer, the house is his.

I don’t want to stay as I don’t think I have any right to stay at his place where he rightfully owns.

I am very fearful that he will request full custody over our son if I leave. can anyone shed any light how that works please.

Every time we argue or I tell him I will leave, he always is adamant I should get a job first. I’m starting to think if that will be in favour of him if we divorced?

I want to go to the citizen’s advice bureau or a solicitor for some advice. Will there been any record of this anywhere?

OP posts:
Niceeyes · 06/09/2022 21:56

Err yes you have rights! You are his wife, just because the house is in his doesn’t mean it’s his!
I had r at my the same issue, sahm and not on the mortgage, I got 60% of the house once it was sold. Get the 30 min free legal advice from a lawyer to see what you can do…. You got this!!!

RandomMess · 06/09/2022 21:58

How old is your son?

You need to speak with Woman's Aid. You are so many right's financially.

Doyoumind · 06/09/2022 22:00

You're married. The house belongs to both of you, not him.

Don't be put off getting legal advice by the fear of him finding out. You must speak to a professional and understand your options.

Original poster
catLADY7756 · 06/09/2022 22:05

Thank you for the quick response! I will
speak to a professional but will that be on record?

OP posts:
Luredbyapomegranate · 06/09/2022 22:06

Pull all your financials and go see a solicitor.

He won’t get full custody, you will get a chunk of the house.

Flerp · 06/09/2022 22:07

You can't expect him to fund yourself and your future life completely if you decide to split up

Your post doesn't give enough information. If there's nothing stopping you from working, then it's right you need to find work to support yourself. Courts won't look favourably on you otherwise if you put it all sorts of wonderful claims to his money.

The house is a marital asset irrespective of who's name it's in if you don't have any other agreements and is a basis for negotiation.

How olds your child, are their genuine mitigating circumstances? (Not just that youre his mum) Not to disparage your experience, but "emotional abuse"/narcissist is thrown around so casually here by qualified Internet doctors, if it's just your relationship on its arse, for which I'm sorry, it seems odd for your son not to remain In the house during this time.

You either decide how it happens between you, via mediation, a solicitor or court.

Good luck.

Original poster
catLADY7756 · 06/09/2022 22:07

My son is 21 months and we have been married for a year now.

OP posts:
Original poster
catLADY7756 · 06/09/2022 22:09

I have been in therapy, my therapist also identified that he is emotionally abusive.

OP posts:
Idontdoyoga · 06/09/2022 22:12

Why does it worry you if seeing a solicitor for a free half hour is on record?
You can tell your advisor not to write anything down nor create any kind of record if that would help ease your worry.
You are a married woman so believe me you have rights and he probably knows that!
Knowledge is power. Seize the day!

Flerp · 06/09/2022 22:13

I'm pleased you've gone to therapy if you needed help, but your story to the counsellor is not an adequate diagnosis - they reflect back what you're telling them. Unless there's DV, you're not going to get anywhere on this front.

If he's 21 months then it's spectacularly unlikely he'd be able to get full custody. You need to do the right thing by your child and figure out how to share responsibility for bringing up your child.

Any conversations with a solicitor are private.

Hdtiffujhgjnb · 06/09/2022 22:19

Half the house is yours. He wants you to get a job so that he pays you less in maintenance

Flerp · 06/09/2022 22:22

Posts like the above scare me with the attitude many women seem to take.

Do you want your son growing up seeing this is what happens when women don't get their way?

Divorce is horrible. It's a shitty experience but if you let emotions judge your direction it'll lead to your undoing if he knows the game as a solicitor.

50% of the house isn't guaranteed, but a starting point. If there's bo circumstances stopping you getting a job, you'll have to do so, topping up with benefits ontop of any CMS.

Please get proper advice and don't set a course from advice here.

HailAdrian · 06/09/2022 22:26

Why would he want to be your child's main carer?

TokenGinger · 06/09/2022 22:27

@Flerp You sound foul. Are you a man? Your hatred towards a woman in an emotionally abusive relationship is awful. You have no idea what this man may subject his wife to, but you're gaslighting her in such a disgusting way.

"You need to do the right thing by your child... shared responsibility..." - how do you know that's the right thing by their child? How do you know what this man is or is not subjecting his wife and child to?

"Do you want your son growing up seeing this is what happens when women don't get their own way?" - emotionally abusive and manipulative behind belief.

Your first response to her was that she can't expect him to fund her lifestyle. I've read and re-read her OP and cannot see anywhere that she suggests that. In fact, she's suggesting the opposite and saying she should move out as she believes the house is rightly is, and is so desperate to be away from him that she's prepared to leave with no job and no house.

You have a chip on your shoulder about this situation and it's not welcome here. Leave her alone. She's already got one bully to deal with.

Flerp · 06/09/2022 22:36

I'm not trying to bully, and i identify as a girl moose, so please don't assume my gender.

Divorce is a cold, horrible process of legal minutiae. I'm stressing the importance of seeking proper advice relevant to her circumstances as opposed to a theme of LTB which is so prevalent here. If OPs partner is in law, he'll be thinking he can do whatever and she needs to be aware of the disparity in this.

Mixed in with the god awful emotiveness of the subject, it's far too easy to let that cloud a direction that may be best for her or to maximise the chances of everyone walking away vaguely intact given how unpleasant these things can get.

I genuinely wish op well in what she does, but it's a plea to get proper advice, try to limit the emotiveness of what she decides to do - in the face of him being led by that, and thinking through the cold hard facts that are required of the journey ahead.

millymollymoomoo · 07/09/2022 06:57

Half the house is not yours

hieever it is a marital asset and you are entitled to a fair share of assets- this could be 50% or more or indeed less - especially as you have a very short marriage

you do have.a child and provision fir his housing will be a big factor

he won’t get custody because you don’t have a job - but you are likely to be expected to work at least once your child is at school and yiur husband won’t be expected to find you to stay at home. It’s possible you could get some interim and transitional spousal maintenance for. Few years to help bridge the gap and get yourself on your feet
you need to consider what sort of arrangements you’d also like for your child re his dad - eg weekends, mid week, what pattern of overnights etc

See a solicitor

Lostinthesauce · 07/09/2022 07:49

Your marriage is short, you may not be entitled to half. I would seek legal advice. Having a child would suggest that your case could be means tested, but the duration of your marriage isn't that long and in short marriages people sometimes walk away with what they came in with. Best thing you can do is to get legal advice and also look to get a job. As other posters have said you will need to get a job and the judge will question you about your income or lack of.

LondonMu222 · 07/09/2022 10:31

married for 1 year and wants to take 50% of the house! insane!

Original poster
catLADY7756 · 07/09/2022 10:40

LondonMu222 · 07/09/2022 10:31

married for 1 year and wants to take 50% of the house! insane!

I don’t want anything from him!! I am prepared to leave with just the back on my clothes and son.

OP posts:
Original poster
catLADY7756 · 07/09/2022 10:55

My plan is to get a job as soon as possible. Unfortunately I don’t have any family or friends in this country.

my plan is as follows, I’d really appreciate all your input.

  • i will get a job as a soon as possible
  • my son already goes to nursery part time. Which is around £700 a month.

Please could I get advice on once I get a job, how to manage rent, childcare and bills as a single parent. I don’t think my salary will cover it. What financial support are there from the government for single parents.

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 07/09/2022 11:11

You may be entitled to share of house or assets so you need to see a solicitor. You have a child do you won’t leave with nothing - but might not be 50-%

he will be expected to also pay child maintenance- you can see how much using the cms calculator online

he may also be expected to pay some interim spousal support for the next few years while you seek to better your earnings and while child is young

you must get legal advice !

yiu can see what help you’d also get for childcare etc on govt we sure and also look at entitled to to help you understand what you might be able to claim

Mantissatopower4 · 06/03/2023 00:27

He is a lawyer. He will know what to expect. Try not to go through the courts. Get advice. Women’s rights are good, but there are lots of others who can help. Once you know what you might be legally entitled to then you could mediate …. But know what you want and are likely to get beforehand. He will want you to give away everything. He might be reasonable.

BetterFuture1985 · 06/03/2023 21:02

catLADY7756 · 06/09/2022 22:09

I have been in therapy, my therapist also identified that he is emotionally abusive.

Erm....

Unless your therapist has actually met your husband, then they are in no position to diagnose him. If they have had a go anyway, then they are a quack.

BetterFuture1985 · 06/03/2023 21:04

Hdtiffujhgjnb · 06/09/2022 22:19

Half the house is yours. He wants you to get a job so that he pays you less in maintenance

Yes, but she will have to get a job anyway. She will be expected to mitigate her circumstances.

Also, unless he's earning megabucks then it's quite unlikely he'd be ordered to pay more than the OP can receive in universal credit.

BetterFuture1985 · 06/03/2023 21:08

catLADY7756 · 07/09/2022 10:55

My plan is to get a job as soon as possible. Unfortunately I don’t have any family or friends in this country.

my plan is as follows, I’d really appreciate all your input.

  • i will get a job as a soon as possible
  • my son already goes to nursery part time. Which is around £700 a month.

Please could I get advice on once I get a job, how to manage rent, childcare and bills as a single parent. I don’t think my salary will cover it. What financial support are there from the government for single parents.

You could try entitledto which will give you an idea of benefits. There will also be quite a lot of help with childcare costs, best to check eligibility on the government website.