Coercive / control and welfare ‘concerns’

[Jne1]

Not really sure what I’m asking for… but words of wisdom or advice by those who’ve been through similar appreciated.

My Ex hasn’t seen our eldest (almost 15) for 18 weeks. Our youngest is 13.
We have an agreement of alternate weekends, a mid week visit and shared holidays. Because of how he has spoken and treated my eldest, she refuses to see him, and he doesn’t accept that as the parent he needs to make amends if he wants to rebuild their relationship.
We had a very acrimonious divorce (he left, I divorced him on the grounds of his unreasonable behaviour), he is abusive, not constructive in making any arrangements for the children, critical of my parenting and makes unreasonable demands.

His latest communication stated he has visited my house, noted my car wasn’t there (assumed I was at work) and watched through the window to see the children in the house. And stated he had ‘welfare concerns’ that I was working, and that the children should be with him as he is working at home. I find this unnerving that he’s ‘watching me’ and the children. I phoned the police who have warned him to not come to my house unless it is to collect our youngest. He told the police he has welfare concerns and will contact social services.
I have messaged my divorce solicitor to see what can be done re a child arrangements order, and the unhelpful behaviour, correspondence and having to co-parent with a deliberately obstructive person.

What can a solicitor do with someone who just wants to be difficult? What would social services say to someone who’s grounds for ‘welfare concern’ is his 14 YO doesn’t want to see him and his ex-wife has left a 14 and 13 YO at home for four hours?

I feel like he’s trying to make me lose my mind / doubt my parenting skills…

I wouldn’t worry about it tbh

tell them he’s free to do so if he wishes

SS are used to dealing with such cases and would soon dismiss it

What that says to me is that he has worked out that the only way he can control DD and force her to see him is if use the courts to force that child to live with him and the only way he can do that is to prove you are negligent to the point of a social services removal - as otherwise the children that that age will get significant influence over where they live. Hilarious in its way that life is so sad for him...

SS are not going to be interested in 13/14/15yr olds being left in the house for a few hours during the working day (assuming there is no significant SEN of course). They have better things to do. So my only concern there would be if he has influence over the younger child to lie to SS in his favour.

I don't know whether a CAO is still appropriate given their ages, however if it is I'd want it to clearly reflect the teens views and give them clear options to not attend any contact rather than force dd into seeing him. It might help you however to ensure that you can take them on holiday etc without his specific permission.

Can you get a recording door bell/cameras that record where he gets to if he has already been warned by the police? If he keeps up this behaviour you could ask the solicitor re harassment or a restraining order to keep him away.

He sounds awful, but the best think you can do is find a way of taking everything he says with a pinch if salt, and take Comfort in the fact that dd has seen through his controlling behaviour and decided to exclude him from her life - so youbare doing right by her!!

I had a not identical but similar situation, in that my EXh threatened to contact SS on welfare grounds (DS (14) had opted not to see him - coercive control).

in a panic I contacted both solicitor and counsellor (who works regularly with SS). Both actually laughed. They said there is no way SS will be interested on welfare grounds, and it will come across as malicious reporting, which if anything, will flag him up to them.

my solicitor then sent a letter saying any further attempts to approach me/the house/the kids would be reported as harassment. Effect: he stopped.

so agree with all pp. it’s an empty threat: he will get nowhere and if anything end up looking at best a nasty piece of work.

@Itslookinggood , @LittleOwl153 and @millymollymoomoo
Thank you for your support and comments. I like to think I’m a reasonable and rationale person and it’s so hard dealing with someone who internationally wants to be obstructive and to make me doubt myself and my choices.

I rang ss to report my exh for actual neglect and they had no fucks to give.
Think 3 under 10's home alone every Saturday night while he was at the pub..
Allowing a known sex offender in their bedroom - he actually convinced Cafcass the dc were lying about that...
Blinds are your friend op.

Though be warned I had a letter demanding I take mine down as exh could no longer see into my home.
I didn't btw remove them.

Yes I know. That’s the effect of coercive control - it undermines your sense of self and confidence in your own choices.

it comes back, honestly. I’m three years out now and it feels completely different.

keep using here/real life friends and family as a sounding board and soon you’ll have confidence in your own choices and parenting again.☺️

If there's one thing I've learnt from being on MN for a long time, it's that there are a lot of men who have realised that threatening to take you to social services or the police or to call a lawyer are surprisingly effective ways to get women to do what they want and/or to maintain a level of fear and control.

We (women? "normal", non abusive people?) are programmed to assume that a) no one would go to police/ss/solicitor unless they really believed what they were saying and the problem was significant and b) that police/ss/solicitor, if they DO then look into it, will immediately believe the story told by the accuser.

The reality is very different. Let him call social services. I suspect they'll want to know a number of things including 1. why doesn't his older dd want to see him? 2. why is he stalking a private home and spying on his ex wife and children? 3. why does he think that a 15 and 13 year old can't be left at home alone? etc.

Again, based on MN, in most cases these are threats anyway and he won't carry them out. Tell him to go ahead and you'll be happy to speak with SS when they get in touch to discuss his behaviour.

Thanks @Itslookinggood , it’s talking to others and hearing their experiences that is keeping me sane! X

Thanks @NotLactoseFree - when I read your comments it makes me think ‘of course that’s true’ - it’s just a shame I doubt myself! Thank you x

Thanks @Creepymanonagoatfarm - asked to take your blinds down?! What is wrong with these people!

He also told the dc I was a prostitute.. Reported me to benefits when I was given a bracelet for my birthday and dm bought me a car. When the woman came out I didn't even have light bulbs in every room. She apologised but said they have to follow up allegations..
He alleged I had assaulted him when I shut my door on his foot as he was using it to keep the door open and look in!
Claimed I clawed his face.
A tiny mark he likely did himself..

Hi @NotLactoseFree - just as you stated the latest email ‘happy to involve a solicitor to make a more formal
arrangement’ - because he is too lazy to collect his daughter and dictates I should drop her to him (he doesn’t want to lose his car parking space). Doesn’t like that I’ve said ‘No’. Cites that he’s been advised to stay away from my property - I wonder why?!
I’ve corrected him that the police have advised him to stay away unless it is pick up our youngest daughter. Next he suggests we meet in a small and very dingy car park that’s two mins from his house. Does he seriously think that a) I should drop the kids to him and b) I’m going to agree to a dingy car park? I don’t think so.
I’ve suggested he messages our daughter when he reaches the end of my cul de sac. She’d have 30m to walk to get from my house to his car, where he is waiting for her. Oh no, he’s concerned that she’d be waiting if he’s stuck in traffic (not if he’s messaged her when he’s arrived), it’s autumn winter coming (er yes!), it’s a thoroughfare (er no, it’s a residential cul de sac in a relatively posh area). What a chimp.

@NotLactoseFree - thanks also. After his latest charming correspondence, I’ve written myself a list of what is the reality of the situation to bring myself back.
I do need to work on my ability to accept that he will never be reasonable, and just because his view is different, doesn’t make it right - far from it.
And that coercive control of me and of the children is a form of abuse and is not acceptable under any circumstances.

@Jne1 It sounds like you are doing all the right things - being accommodating but remindng yourself that it's not on YOU to sort HIM out. It's not clear from the first post but did you respond with "feel free to contact a solicitor" and then he backed down? In which case, good for you! :)

He wants to control you and keep you on edge. He might not even consciously realise that's what he's doing, but he is. You know what is reasonable and what your DC need so good on you for keeping that top of mind!

Hi @NotLactoseFree , thank you!
I didn’t respond to the ‘arrange via a solicitor’ comment because it opens up more dialogue with him that isn’t constructive and ends up stresses me more.
I’d rather get my thoughts and plan in place with my solicitor first :-) :-) :-)