How long contribute to bills

[isthistheendtakeabreath]

Sorry if I'm writing lots of threads - so overwhelming all the things I have to think about and this is such new territory

So DH is moving out shortly - to stay with friends. Rent free. I've asked him to continue to contribute the same amount of bills as he always has done - which equates to basically half the mortgage, CTax, insurances etc. certainly in the short term. He earns a lot less so his "share" of bills if you like didn't include food, childcare and so on anyway

Is this fair? Obviously it won't be long term.
As soon as he starts paying market rate rent and his own bills then of course he can't contribute to our family house anymore and I wouldn't expect him to

(We have 3 kids btw and House wont be sold in the medium term)

Hiw long do you expect him to stay at friends? Where will he have the children?

for me, if he’s moved out, he should rent at which point paying the bills / mortgage on fmh is likely to not be possible…

where will he live medium term if you say house not being sold ?

@millymollymoomoo

Hi

I don't really know how long he'll stay with friends - it's all come about very quickly - one minute he was here and then he was gone.

He's "renting" a spare room at a very cheap rate so I was going to deduct this off from what he usually pays so that he comes out with the same "spending" money that he did before he left? So if he paid £1000 towards mortgage/bills before but now has to pay £200 a rent to his friend then he'd now pay £800 towards the FMH? I think this is fair in the short term but maybe others don't? This is all very new and no idea what I'm doing really.

I don't think he's thought through having the kids and where. He's not coming to the FMH though - that's my/the kids space now. His reason for leaving is family life so can't see him having them for more than a couple of hours at a time anyway

Yes once he's renting his own place he will no longer pay towards the FMH although doubt he can afford to pay CMS as well

Im expecting to sell the FMH in around 18 months once youngest are in pre school and my childcare bill goes down - he'll then get 50% equity (which no doubt he will fritter away!)

Have you spoken to a solicitor ? I would do before offering 50% equity to him.

have you sorted out child maintenance?

You sound very sure he will contribute.

You say
"He's "renting" a spare room at a very cheap rate so I was going to deduct this off from what he usually pays so that he comes out with the same "spending" money that he did before he left?"

You sound like you have some form of control over his wages . Is that the case ?
Because in my experience men who leave their families due to being 'fed up' with family life - often include financial responsibility as part of that fed-up-ness... and whilst promising the world upon exit - then rewrite the narrative which tells them that they don't need to pay anything as you are the one with the house and kids...

Plan for the worst and hope for the best.

@isthistheendtakeabreath

im sorry he's decided 3 kids in, he doesn't like/want 'family life'. Selfish, stupid, idiot.

what has he said about continuing to pay his share of the bills in the short term?

if he agrees to that then see how it works out, but any messing about do the CMS application. It's not a matter of whether he can afford it after rent/bills. It's a priority & he'll have to live accordingly. If that means lodging or sharing rather than renting his own place then so be it. He probably won't have the kids EOW & 50% holidays anyway, so having suitable housing for them isn't relevant.

Apply for any benefits you're entitled to, find out, don't just assume you earn too much.

have a look at any way you can cut expenses & see what the minimum is you need over your wages to keep you all & the house.

best wishes.

@isthistheendtakeabreath

i forgot to mention, I agree with the others, you NEED a solicitor! You have 3 kids he's walking out in & leaving you too raise, he shouldn't get 50% of the family home!

clearly you're bewildered, hurt, confused and shocked and you still love & care about him. It's a mind fuck! But you HAVE to stop letting yourself care about him to your detriment! Stop being soft, get tough!!

@isthistheendtakeabreath

Yes very hurt and confused and bewildered. We'd been married 10 years together nearly 20.

I'm actually the higher earner x3 DH (not mega money it's just he earns very little) - on my last thread the replies were very much in DH favour and how unfair my proposal was 😂

If I don't give him 50% of the house he'll literally never be able to buy somewhere not even a 1 bed flat - the other replies was very much - he deserves to have a home equal to mine to have the kids in even though that is likely to only to be 1 night a fortnight

I've seen a solicitor who said the starting point was 50/50

CMS is highly unlikely when he "only" earns £23k im realistic I may never get it

@eighteenmonthstogo

Yes I'm fairly sure - his wages go into a joint account which he doesn't really have a lot to do with and then I transfer him "spending money" as he's terrible with money

He'd have to change his bank details for his salary - maybe I'm too nice in thinking he wouldn't do that

Also checked on benefits - not entitled to anything not even child benefit as over the cap.

Two of the are children are 1 year old twins so massive childcare costs literally £2k a month already use tax free childcare

I think you should just claim CMS. Which is what he should be paying for the children. You have the full benefit of the house.

If he is in temporary accommodation he can maybe give you a bit more for the first month if he wants. And ultimately it is his decision.

my main concern is the lack of plans for him to see his children. This is for their benefit and the overall arrangement isn’t going to facilitate that.

@LemonTT

Obviously I would prefer him to have a space of his own that he can take the kids to

It's difficult to say much without being very outing. He works shifts so seeing them mid week is nigh on impossible plus the reasons for him leaving

Can't see him sorting out a place of his own for a while as will take time for him to sort out a rental etc and he's never had to do anything like that as I always sorted out where we lived

What id read online was very much his name is still on the mortgage so his obligations shouldn't change especially if he's living practically rent free somewhere else

He is obliged to pay towards the mortgage etc if he still owns the house.

Where he has to live is his problem you have to house the DCs for many years to come.

Can you just buy him out?

@Gottoomuchgoingon

No I can't buy him out for at least 18 months - full time childcare costs for twins you can imagine is financially horrific - twice our mortgage actually and with an older child at before/after school club costs are regularly £2k per month

My understanding about the mortgage is that you are jointly and severally liable to pay it, and as joint owners you own 50% each.
So the mortgage company doesn't care which of you is paying, just that one of you does.

I should also say before it comes up about having to sell the FMH - in our area I'd struggle to house the kids sufficiently due to housing costs - we'd have to move away (also got grief about that on another thread!) - and I wouldn't/couldn't just go anywhere - it would be 2 hours way from their dad to be close to family

Selling the FMH will have huge repercussions which I think (well I hope) he'd like to avoid for the moment - ie moving away, changing eldest school, being even more physically distant from his kids rather than just emotionally

So it's in (his) our interests to stay in the FMH as long as possible

He dies not have to continue paying the mortgage - mortgage company do t care as long as it’s paid - as upthread it’s joint and several liability

put in claim fir cms and they’ll calculate it based on his earnings

realistically however he can’t stay with friends for long and will need to rent ( or move back home) in which case tiu can’t expect rent plus cms plus mortgage and bills

do you think he is ‘just’ overwhelmed at the moment rather than really saying he doesn’t want family life?

@millymollymoomoo

CMS would be around £320 per month - he couldn't afford that and to rent/pay mortgage on his current earnings

(He isn't maximising his earnings though)

I know that he doesn't have to pay the mortgage I guess just based on fact he is paying a token rent elsewhere he may continue to do so until such time as he has his own place and full rent etc. (at which point no way will he afford rent and CMS)

I appreciate a lot of this is currently all based on good will

I'll PM you why he isn't "just" overwhelmed - you've been kind enough to reply on a lot of my threads x

Don't forget to claim single person's rebate on council tax. You'll get a third off.

I know how difficult it is to pay for childcare for twins. It's ongoing until they are at secondary school with wrap round care. I would apply for CMS. He left.

For those saying he is obligated to pay legally. What do you think is going to happen if he doesn’t pay half the household bills. Will his utilities get shut off? Will his home get repossessed? The worse thing that could happen is he gets a bad credit rating. Which the divorce will push him to anyway if they don’t sell the house for 18 months.

There isn’t much upside for him in paying the mortgage. He doesn’t live there. He doesn’t earn enough to ever get a mortgage of his own. Why should he care if there is default? The OP is the one who would have real problems with a default.

The only reason he would show goodwill is for his children. But the OP is describing a dysfunctional or non existent relationship between a father and his children. He doesn’t see them and has nowhere to see them and they are going to move them away. If he accepts that then I Don’t see why he would be bothered about the OPs bill and any goodwill. At the end of the day CMS is his contribution and the only one you can enforce.

@LemonTT
Yes I know where you are coming from

It's all goodwill at the moment. I can afford to cover the bills on my own shortly - this has all just come about so quickly - literally within 2 weeks we went from seemingly happy family to him moving out. I don't know anyone who would be able to cope with such a quick change in finances

I need to read up more on CMS admittedly - I didn't think it was enforceable any more?

Also he can get a mortgage on his salary - I checked lots of mortgage providers over the weekend. He'd get more than me actually as he doesn't have the childcare bills to pay

If he defaults paying his "share" of the bills after the next month or so we"ll be ok I just feel like ultimately he'll want 50% of the house so should continue to pay his share.....

Especially whilst he has practically zero living cost where he is moving to

He has an entitlement to a share of the property as it is a marital asset. But remember that is because he part owns it. Therefore he has the right to move back in. He has the right to visit it there anytime. Which is something you want him to forego.

If you want to limit him using the home so that you can occupy it, then you it is reasonable that you pay for that benefit. Which is why most people in your situation accept they need to pay the mortgage. Or they agree to temporary arrangements for the other parent to use the family to see their children.

He is responsible for the cost of his children. Which is what the child support will cover but at a basic level.

@LemonTT

Thanks For all your advice

I just feel so lost I really do. Not sure what to do for best - second guessing all/any decisions - I feel like I'm bending over backwards to keep him happy - I haven't got angry or shouted or done anything negative - been calm and civil whilst he's torn our lives apart just upping and walking out on nearly 2 decades and 3 children. No discussion no explanation. He gets to just leave me literally holding the babies whilst I try and navigate this new path.

Having a bit of a down day today sorry x

It’s really hard for you snd very early days

please be kind to yourself !
x