Help - How do you deal with the loneliness?

[Mummykins54]

I am going through an awkward divorce after being together 27 years.

I have two kids aged 21 and 18, no family, good friends but I am feeling so very lonely.

My husband was verbally abusive but sometimes I think it was easier living with him than they way I am feeling now. Has anyone else felt like this?

My friends keep telling me to get out go for walks, take up a hobby but I am so down right now I can't force myself to do that. They are all happily married so don't really know what it is like.

He has been very awkward in finalising the divorce (still dragging on) and I really do regret starting this process. I feel bereft and am sinking into a depression. I am on anti depressants.

Any advice would be appreciated.

TIA

I think the first step is to be as kind to yourself as you can be. I’m not surprised you are feeling exhausted. How you feel now will pass but it will be hard to move on with your life until your divorce is finalised. I expect you have historical feelings to process too.

Do you live on your own? Even if your kids are still at home, would having someone else - a furry or feathery pet - to look after and focus on help you? I was very low in lockdown for a number of reasons and when a friend suggested giving me some of her ducks and chickens, as she had hatched some ducklings and chicks and we had a section of garden fenced off with a chicken coop in from previous owner, I didn’t realise how much joy they would add to my life. I have to get up and go out to see to them twice a day and that routine helps me - and they’re such characters. Whenever I feel blue or need some space, I pop out and watch them.

@Mummykins54 sorry for what you are going through. Sending hugs.

Not divorced but suddenly widowed a few years ago so have done the lonely thing.

I find that having a routine and structure helps, even if it’s “Wednesday so I have to do the hoovering”.

I am afraid it is hard, but you have to find something to do regularly where you will interact with others, no matter how difficult it seems at first.You also have to be prepared to put the work in to organise things in advance.

Great that you have good friends, start there with arranging something even if it’s once a month for a coffee. I have literally sat down with a pen and paper when I have felt low and plotted out things I can do, people I can see, home projects to move forward, basically what the next couple of months contain. You start off with a few breadcrumbs to follow on the path ahead and if you keep at it, more opportunities arise. Through one activity I started, I got chatting to someone and discovered another group to join.

Good luck. It will get better.

I’m sorry you feel so low but I promise this feeling will pass . You will be happy again . How long that will take is upto you . Routine , structured, bravery and strength will get you through . Like the above post suggests , give yourself tasks and reach out to your friends …. Please don’t take this divorce personal, loads of people get divorced and so many go on to have much better lives . Be proud of yourself for who you are and stand tall .

It's tough. I have no words of wisdom but as someone who's in the same place, I'm sending hugs and strength..xx

I get the loneliness, I've got a gym membership and go swimming then sit in the steam room / jacuzzi. Not only self care but you'd be surprised how many other single people are there looking for conversation. It's been a nice little lifeline.

My friends are good with filling some time but other than that it’s very lonely. I find the times I don’t think about it is when I’m watching a DVD or reading. A hobby would be a good idea though.

My partner since 1990, when we started dating. Got married in 1998. Has told me, "he has lost his feelings for me". He moved out on August 1st. I'm miserable....

Sorry to hear so many people here are lonely. I think it gets a little easier with time so please remember it won’t always feel like this xx

OP I've recently told STBExH I want a divorce; 34 years married and children the same age as yours, youngest is housebound and needs 24/7 supervision. I will end up on my own as her carer, plus have the dog and eldest may or may not come with me, wherever I end up.

My H was also verbally abusive, sort of death by a thousand cuts - my lovely house feels like a tomb now and it'll have to be sold. I've asked myself constantly will I be able to cope, can't we just stay here and carry on with it (both in our early 60s now). But I just want peace of mind. Every time I go out I dread coming home as he is still here and likely to be for a while. I too fear the loneliness, not now maybe but thinking christ how will I manage in 10 years time. I also fear his loneliness, I'd hate to see him unhappy. I've read that divorce at this time of life simply replaces one pain with another and thats true - you feel fear, grief and loss.

I know it sounds like worst advice possible but I went on Gransnet and posted there and lots of people divorced after long marriages replied saying yes you must carry on with it, worth it in the end etc. which was encouraging.

I think we - you - are bound to feel all these conflicting things, its not something to be dancing around singing about, but as others have said above make a plan for your days, reach out to other people. Both H and I still work and I think that's a lifeline too.

@Mummykins54 Sorry it’s feeling so tough right now. I’m in a very situation, took a long time to make the decision to file. Every time there’s a wobble, I think about how lonely it makes me feel having someone living with me that it is no longer possible to trust or reach out to - which is how it had been for a good few years. In many ways lonelier than physically being alone.
STBX still living here, but ha has had spells away a few times since proceeding started, and there is a wonderful sense of calm without him, which makes me feel I know it is the best decision
I’m fortunate in that I still work full time although mostly from home. Walking every day, usually alone, (but happy to have company when available) does help.

@StaplesCorner your situation sounds similar to mine. Also over 60 and have youngest unable to live independently. STBX has no empathy for her, and his putting his own needs first is making it very difficult and costly to reach a financial settlement. Noted you said your house will have to be sold - is that a decision reached mutually because of the memories, or being forced on you and you would have preferred to stay?

@Scareystress I feel like rushing up to you shouting "I've found my people!!" - STBExH here initially had no empathy or understanding and then all of a sudden started going for Disney dad. Thing is, she's fallen for it . He's talking a lot about being her carer, about how she cant be left alone so selling up and moving on will not be feasible, and you know there is some truth in the latter.

We are cut to the bone financially and must sell to get somewhere each to live, there's about £300k equity in the house and at our ages a mortgage offer is going to be limited so I honestly don't know how we can leave the house and move on. But yes, its a case of having to sell. I hate living here now with him around.

Sorry OP did not want to hijack your thread and hope you are ok

@Myownworstenemy12 that sounds very hard - do you have friends or family in RL that you can lean on for support? Would it help to start your own thread?

@staplescorner I don’t want to hijack the thread either - I’ll PM a reply. Feel free not to answer.