No idea what I would be entitled to. Please help.

[JLW99]

Hi all. It’s Sunday morning and I’m literally sat in bed crying because I don’t think I can handle another day or week of this hellish marriage.
We’ve been married 13yrs, together for 24yrs… have 4 kids and are both 41yrs old.

I haven’t worked for 12yrs, I don’t claim any benefits because my husband earns over £50k. Don’t have any savings other than a few hundred pounds. No debt other than mortgage.

His income is enough to sustain our married life…

I want to split up. We need to. All we do is argue and it’s toxic. I don’t even like being around him anymore. And he feels the same.

How do we even do that? We don’t have the money for him to move out and rent somewhere whilst still trying to pay all existing bills. Moving out and in with family members isn’t an option for either of us.

I know long term I will get a job etc etc but I’m talking now! Like if he finds something to rent with immediate availability and goes next week? Next month? Will I be entitled to any benefits? How soon? The only thing I know is that my council tax will reduce when I tell them he’s moved out 🤷🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

Ill be really grateful for any advice anyone can give me. Xx

Have a look at Universal Credit Essentials webpage and do a manual calculation. www.uceplus.co.uk/how-much-will-my-payment-be

Can you sell your house and buy two smaller properties? Perhaps in a cheaper area.

I'd start looking for work immediately if I was in this position, rather than thinking it's something you will have to do in the long term.

Could u get a job now in preparation? I don't know what your kids ages are etc so I appreciate that it might not be easy, however certainly at my kids school, the before and after school clubs are i) not expensive and have hours that would allow someone to work a 9 to 5, 5 day a week job.

What is the plan for the kids, will you keel them with you full time, or will he have x% of the childcare at his new house?

You need to make a plan. First of all get yourself job ready. Unless you have a child under 3 they will expect you to work or look for work 16 hours a week so it's good to get that side ready. You can then put your house on the market unless he can afford to buy you out - you can't claim mortgage costs on benefits for several months so you will need to rent. Once it's on the market you will need to apply for universal credit and look for a house to rent that is suitable.

It's going to be hard

The thing to do would be this:

• get urself an income ASAP.

Sit down with other half and do some maths.... add up all the costs of running 2 houses and childcare. Split the costs of both households proportionally according to your incomes, e.g. if he earns double what you do, then u pay a 1/3 of the total, him 2/3.

This arrangement you put in place when separated. Ultimately if you get a divorce a settlement will be reached that leaves you both financially able to live and bring up the kids.

But you have a moral duty to find work and do as many hours as you can. This is especially the case if you have 50 50 custody of the kids, where it would be unreasonable for you to expect to work less hours than him.

So can I not apply for any kind of support or help until my house is on the market?
My friend has a caregiving business and has said she can give me the 16hrs a week I need and I can start as soon as the kids are back to school x

My friend has a caregiving company and has said she can give me some hours once the kids are back to school so that’s my plan.
And the arrangement with the kids would be sharing as much as possible… so sharing weekends and time with their dad during the week - but because of his job I know I would have to be the one continuing to do school runs etc and then trying to work around that x

He doesn’t have to move out

many Couples live together while divorcing. Not saying they’d easy but often it’s not financially viable to support anything else

Look into breakfast and after school clubs, if I wanted to i could leave my boy from 7 30 am until 6 pm, I don't but some parents do.

If you have equal childcare then you will have to find a way to work as much as your husband, in the long run a divorce court would expect you to.

Note that the school wrap around care can also help him with his share of the child care, e.g. u say that cos of his job ud still need to be 'school manager', maybe that wouldn't be the case if he could drop them off at 7 30 am and get them at 6?
He also ought to look into and flexibility from his work such as working from home etc that would allow him to take a more equal share of parenting responsibilities.

If he wants 50:50 he’ll need to be responsible for school drop off/ pick ups too. He can use after school clubs etc as you’ll most likely need to

What did you do before you had children?

What do you want to do now. At 41, you have another 25 years in the workplace so think carefully, don't just fall into something by default. Make a long term plan as well as a short term one.

How old are your children?

Remember the workplace has changed a lot and there are jobs available now that are fully work from home.

If you plan on sharing the DC, then you will each need a place to live that is big enough to accommodate them, so I'm guessing three bedrooms. Also the proportion of time with each parent affects the level of maintenance

You need to look at your full individual circumstances - such as amount of equity in the house, how far that will go as a deposit n a new purchase or rental, ideally nearby so the DC do not have the added disruption of changing schools. But if you do have to up sticks to somewhere cheaper (but still near their father so continuing relationship is possible and not to demanding (cost/time) on travel, then it's not the end of the world)

I agree that you need to get yourself back in to work, and ideally on to some sort of career path that will take you to higher earnings. Can you go back to whatever it was you did before? Do you need to update skills, or do you want train for a whole new area? If so, doing that alongside 16 hrs per week minimum wage could be a good opportunity.

When you have got a few ideas, have one appointment with a solicitor to go through options. And keep working on the plan. Once you have a broad idea of how the land lies, you can then try to sort out the rest with him via mediation.

Once you start planning and taking the first baby steps to restoring your independence, it will become far less daunting!

He doesn't have to move out and continue paying the mortgage whilst renting a flat for himself.
You need sell your house as both of you are entitled to housing.
Just because you're the main care giver doesn't entitle you to stay in the house while your H pays for it.
If your percentage (50/50 is the starting point) doesn't cover what you'd consider decent housing then you need get a job.
Your H is entitled to his percentage exactly the same as you are.
He needs somewhere to live that he can have the dc, you're both equally their parent and he's entitled to start his life over and not paying your mortgage so you can stay in the marital home isn't alway an option.
He will then have to pay child support depending on how you split the childcare, if he goes for 50/50 you won't be entitled to child support.
Sounds harsh?
You need a solicitor.

If he feels the same way about divorcing then work together on a plan. Once you both accept you’re happy to be financially less well off if you can be divorced then you can progress.

With 4 kids maybe consider nesting - one bigger home for the kids and a smaller place the parents rotate in and out of when they aren’t with the kids?

Put in a claim for child benefit in your name as it gives you NI credits for your state pension.
Is there a chance you could get back into what you did before? Put a CV on LinkedIn, you never know what might come up.

All the advice on here is reasonable however it may be a bit much for the op who by the sounds of it hasn't yet got her head round the fundamental concepts of divorce and separation, how assets are split, children are safeguarded and the expectations of both parties.

I would suggest reading this book:

This

And also making use of a free consultation with a lawyer.... lots of them offer a free 30 minutes.

The whole idea of divorce and asset / responsibility splitting was completely alien to me at first, but it makes sense when you take time to understand it conceptually.

If you do 50:50 parenting then your stbx will need to do half the school runs and use before and after school care clubs. You will need to do more than 16 hours per week if you only have half care unless 1 of children is under 3. You should be able to work 8 hours on days stbx has children so 2 1/2 days and fewer hours on other 2 1/2 days. So possibly 30 hours per week. If you rent you should get top up and rent paid.