Hi, I have name changed and just wanted some good advice. Please no, nasty remarks as I am feeling tired and fragile.
The last few months I have found I am finding everything hard work and feeling extremely lonely. I have always tried to be a positive person and look on the bright side but recently I am finding it hard to shake off this feeling of dread. It is ridiculous and want to go back to feeling normal considering with everything going on in the world. I need to give my head a wobble or a slap in the face🙄
I live in a small Village for 11 years. Moved away from the suburbs when my DC's were small. They are now all at secondary school and are thriving which has made me extremely happy. I on the other hand find I like living here one minute and then hate it the next. We moved to an affluent area and most of the people I have met are nice but a few are just bat-sh*t. Nasty, love gossip, etc. I keep away but I am finding I have recently felt so lonely. I have friends but I don't see them very often and a have met a couple of friend though my DC's but again, we don't really meet up often. I use to be very sociable so not sure what has happened.
I have always been a people pleaser and just like helping out but over time realised I was been taken for a fool and learnt to say No. I learnt this a primary school when parents took advantage with lifts, collecting their DC's and when my DD was being bullied and I had to move her, none of these parents acknowledge us if they spotted us in the street. Even though I used to look after/collect their DC's all the while. At the time, I let it all go over my head and it was definitely a wake up call. My DD is thriving at her new school and has ever since.
I think feeling lonely is, I am my DMiL full time carer. Been married for 21 years and she has always been apart of my life. I love her and she has been easy to look after but at the moment I am worried with the future. She has dementia. It is mild and on medication for it but she also has other health problems. She lives next door to us. My DMIL moved when we moved as my DFIL passed away and we did not want her to be on her own. I was working as a carer but gave up most of my hours to take care of her. I still work 1 morning, once a week for the company I work for. They are brilliantly and a nice place to work. I work in the community so work alone which doesn't help with me feeling desperately lonely.
We were away on Holiday and had organised carers to pop in to see my DMIL. She had a fall when we were away and broke her hip/leg. She was in hospital for a while and now home. We decided she would live with us but I am finding everything exhausting. I can't go anywhere until my DH comes home from work as she can't be left on her own if i need to pop out. Having to do injections, makes sure pills are given. DMIL is incontinence and have to help with pads etc. I think things will improve once she gets stronger. I just fear for the future. Not for my DMIL but for my marriage.
My DH is a great DF and DS but he can be distance with me. This is what I am finding difficult. He has never been the, I love you type of guy but I just feel like I am a comfy chair. I know being married for 21 years things change but recently I feel we are distance. I have even suspected he either has feelings for someone else or he is seeing someone. Just that, he will use his phone all the time, when I walk pass he will quickly change the screen, I have asked him but I know even if something was going on he would denied it. I have said, I feel like I am only here to keep everything going with his DM but he is adamant it isn't the case. I am not someone to go on but I am worrying about our relationship and future. He also looks at porn and our sex life has dwindle. I just feel very insecure with the way I look even though I have lost 4 stone, kept it plus look after myself with exercise/dog walking.
We have been invited to a Wedding on Saturday and I was so looking forward to it. Lovely people going who are fun and I really needed a change of routine. I am not going as I need to be at home looking after my MIL. My DH is going for the day/evening as it is his work friends. If they were mine I would of been going along. Not sure why it has got to me as I know it would of been very enjoyable. We haven't any other family to help. His DSis comes to visit once every 4 or 5 years! No phone calls to her DM. She has always been like this even before I was on the scene. My parents are both in poor health. My DM has terminal cancer and my DF has a near fatal heart attack so also worried about them.
Not sure why I am posting. Just nice to get it written down. My feeling may be because I am menopausal and I am on HRT which does help. I just feel like a 50 year old middle age woman who needs to get her spark back and not drown in self pity!! Plus also know my worth.
If you have read this far, thanks for reading.