Ex-h threatening court - advice please

[NastyPastie]

i’ve been separated six years, divorced three. Four children (15,13, 11 and 9) and have a 50:50 agreement with ex regarding the children. The divorce went to court at the time over the settlement details but that has all been sorted now, I own the fmh and he has received his share of equity.

ex met a new gf about 12,months ago. The children don’t really know her, but a few weeks ago they were told that he had bought a house with her some distance away.

my two eldest children were blindsided by the announcement and have said they don’t want to spend weekdays with their Dad anymore (school/friends/family all where I live).

I have suggested to my ex that we discuss arrangements in the light of this but he refuses. The children returned today saying that they have to go on holiday with their Dad and new gf otherwise he will take me to Court as it constitutes a change to our 50:50 arrangement.

He does see things very rigidly, and am not sure the court would be bothered about children choosing to spend time with me rather than go on holiday with Dad, but the bigger issue is, can he take me to court and have me pay costs if the children don’t want to move in with him and gf?

I am on a much lower income, and had to borrow a lot from parents for the original court case so very worried about the prospect, but feel I need to stand up for the children who still want to see their Dad but don’t want to have to commute long distance to school and miss out on seeing friends etc. Any thoughts?

The courts would take notice of the feelings of the 15, 13 & 11 year old but maybe not the 9 year old. Let him take you to court, by the time it would come up for hearing the 9 year old may be at least 11 as it takes ages to get a hearing & you have to do mediation first.

Support your children and tell him if that is what he wants to do but it isn’t you it is them and the older two can decide

As previous posters have said, let him take you to court. Send him an email stating that while you continue to make your children available for access, the older two dcs have said they do not wish to spend weekends or go on holiday under the new arrangements, and they are of an age where their opinions must be taken into account.

Repeat your offer to look at more flexible arrangements in response to their decision. Be polite and make sure you have the email, timed, dated and stored for the court to see. Keep his response.

Why would the court award him costs if you have genuinely tried to resolve the issue? And I'm not sure it will get to court because mediation will tell him the same.

It may well be the case that your ex is going ex. But I’d at least try to get him reconsider what he is doing and why he is doing it.

The children want a relationship with their dad. That is important to them and it is important for their emotional development. But they are kids and they have probably been thrown by his decision to move and his new partner. There may be other things at play here which you should explore.

There might be other ways for them to spend time with their dad that doesn’t interfere with their hobbies and spending time with their friends. Maybe it doesn’t get to 50:50 but is close enough for all. The older kids are old enough to have a say. Then they need to input into a solution that works for them. They can’t just say I don’t want that without giving an alternative.

As to there discomfort at a new partner, they do need to learn they cannot dictate other peoples relationships. They will find family and friends chose partners they don’t like and don’t get on with throughout life. They will be lumbered with in laws they wouldn’t pick to be family. They need to learn to cope with that.

Practically speaking I would just let him take court action and be there to represent myself. I mean no judge is going to compel a 15 and 13 year old to follow an arrangement they don’t want.

We did stay in the same area. As the kids got older they flitted between both homes and both were crash pads. They are adults and still do it. We just left the money as is. I know many people can’t afford to do that.

It is enraging that he moved without considering this emotional impact. Children and teens should not have to chose between seeing a parent and having a social life.

Yep. Let him take you to court. It will hurt his pocket, and the court won’t make the older 2 see him. By the time it gets to court they won’t make the third one see him either.

Is 50/50 even sustainable if he's moved "some distance away"? e.g. for getting to school each day.

Presumably his concern may be that once the allocation drops below 50% you can claim child maintenance from him??

There are a whole jumble of things going on here, which you probably need to sit down with the eldest 2/3 and discuss and the figure out where the 9yr old is at...

Him moving a considerable distance away is his choice. He has to accept that this WILL change arrangements. The older 3 presumably are getting themselves to school close to where you live? How far away is he planning to be? Is the weekday commute even feasible?

The holiday situation I'm unclear on. Are we talking about 2 weeks in Spain - in which case whilst they don't have to go I would have said they were being a bit mean spirited not to give it a try just because of the girlfriend. Or is he trying to claim all their school holiday time at his given his distance move? If that's the case clearly he's being ridiculous and I can see where they are coming from.

No court in the land is going to refuse you any school holiday time with the kids because their father has chosen to move away, nor is it going to force a 13 or 15yr old to see a father they dont wish to. They will probably want to maintain the relationship for the 11 and 9yr olds, but not to the detriment of their schooling etc.

I wouldn't worry about him taking you to court. Yes you'd be wise to have some support if he dies but it's not going to be a big drawn about affair - especially if he just goes after the older two... that won't likely pass mediation stage!

Why do these men do this to their kids... as if a 15yr old hasn't got enough to deal with without taking on guilt for what their father threatens to do to their mother!!

Try not to panic, back your kids and calmly communicate to him that this is what you'll be doing and if he feels he wants to start court procedings, you can't stop him.

It's likely he will run out of steam, try not to worry.

Ironically, court might be a great thing! Your older children's voices will be heard and their feelings will be taken into account.
First of all, your ex is not in control here. He just thinks he is.
Secondly, he may not want to hear his children, but the court will.
And finally, as GreenManalishi said, he'll likely run out of steam!
You can self rep going to court, OP. I always self rep (two divorces, me! I've earned my stripes! ). Don't fear exploring LIP! For me, it dials the stress way down when you represent yourself. You don't even need too much legal advice on this. LittleOwls' post is really helpful and reassuring.

And no... don't be polite. Fuck these guys. The number of times I've been advised to be polite! It's akin to 'be a lady'. Your ex isn't polite! He's a bully. You're not writing a book on etiquette. You're dealing with a selfish twat who brings you nothing but stress, I bet my granny on it. Be cold, pragmatic, practical, brief and to the point (just the facts and nothing more) and unflappable. But don't be polite. 💐

Advice now is a great website for all sorts of things relating to court proceedings (and other stuff!). Here's a useful link, OP.
www.advicenow.org.uk/guides/representing-yourself-family-court-film

This is very good advice.

Men like this always threaten court.

Thank you! I have a lot to look at here. It does feel like he is in control, just as it was in my marriage. The kids don’t know the new gf, as my 14-year-old said, their Dad had had two years to get to the point of moving in with her, they have been told he’s bought a house with her and are goi g on holiday with her and they are really unhappy, and don’t want to lose their independence, and have to commute at ridiculous o’clock to get to school. I will support them and try not to panic about court and will represent myself if I need to

How far away is he moving, and how long would it take the kids to get to school?

Sorry didn't see it was an old thread, please ignore

Won’t take three years
mu ex filed in November
first hearing is April

you realise op you don’t need to pay any fees just go to court and state your very reasonable case

no need to spend anything and no he won’t get costs if he’s brought the case

start gathering evidence and writing down what is best for your children and why