Separation before divorce advice

[bunnytailbreakfast]

Hi there

Hoping for a bit of practical advice if possible.

DH (of 8 years) and I are currently separated and I am confident will be divorcing in the future.

There has been a catalogue of issues including him being registered with an escort website, borrowing huge sums money from friends (i was not aware of this) and to top it off it has now transpired he has borrowed money from a loan shark who has our address. His family are helping him to clear these debts

This is alongside some pretty horrible behaviour from him for the last 18 months, escalating since we had our twins 9 months ago.

I am in the family home (mortgaged) with the babies whilst he stays with family. We don't have any joint savings (we always kept savings seperate) and share a joint bank account which we both put into for household bills.

I am a slightly higher earner (though currently on mat leave) and have a pension. He is self employed and doesn't have a pension, though apparently has small financial investments, but I don't know a great deal about these.

Ideally what I'd like to do in the future is sell the house and split the equity 50/50 which should allow us the deposit for a small property of our own. The children will stay with me but he will have shared access though right now his behaviour makes this difficult as every time he sees them, he makes comments to me which make me upset.

I am just wondering whether there's anything I should be doing right now, particularly in light of his money habits, to protect myself?

Thanks in advance

Pleased you got away, Im thinking of doing the same with our twins in a couple of weeks, how did you find it practically managing two in another space away from home?

I totally agree with you about not knowing how much to update him on. I hate the thought of him thinking I'm using it as a way to just talk to him, but equally they seem to change and develop daily and he's missing so much. Similarly I have my MIL (who I adore) messaging everyday asking how we all are and expressing her sadness over the situation. I don't know how much to say we don't want to be seen to be trying to garner sympathy.

Funny you say that, our twins are also rainbow (and IVF) babies... yesterday I met a friend for breakfast and actively sat with my back turned to a happy looking couple nearby. I couldn't bear it, that feeling felt so familiar to when we were trying to conceive.

Hope that some clouds begin to shift for you this week x

I have an older child so I'd say I'm pretty relaxed about being out and about with 3 on my own even now the twins are walking (running in opposite directions)

At the age yours are you don't need to pack so much as they'll find things to amuse themselves - plus never to far from a shop to get nappies etc and anyway the bloody pram takes up so much space in the car can't fit much else!

I've decided not to message him about the kids unless he asks. It's his choice to break up our family - and whilst this may sound like punishment - he needs to reap what he sows

I may PM you in a bit if that's ok x

I think that's very very good decision making around the level of contact with him, I'm going to go with the same approach.

Please do, would love to keep in touch x