Can you help me to help my sister in law cope please?

[Quietlifedreamer]

Hello everyone,
This is my first time on mumsnet so I’m really bad at all the clever abbreviations.
My sister in law is in the middle of a divorce and her ex is being so difficult and underhand. They’ve been married for about 4 years and have a nearly 3 year old daughter.
Sister in Law has got to the stage where they have just exchanged e forms.
The main problem is they are still living in the same house as the solicitor has strongly advised that she stays until the house is sold. He finally agreed to put the house on the market and Sister in Law was just about coping with the atmosphere of having to live under the same roof because they found a buyer and everything was looking like it was progressing ok. The buyer pulled out last week. Then her ex announced that he’s decided to take the house off the market. She’s devastated. He is racking up debts. She’s been trying hard to spend as little money as possible. He owed me and my husband money for a loan but says he has no money to pay us back. But he seems to have enough money to go to the gym, but himself nice wine, drive a £10,000 car when she has one that’s worth about £1000. She has always been the one who has brought up their little girl. There’s so much more to say but this would be such a long post. All I can tell you is that I’m trying to see the best in him for my nieces sake but he is genuinely a devious controlling individual who seems to think that the world should revolve around him.
I am genuinely worried about her mental health, is she destined to be stuck living under the same roof as him for years while he continues to over spend and build up debts? She’s been trying to avoid going to court because of costs. There’s no chance of mediation, he’s beyond unreasonable.
Has anyone got any advice please?

The advice to stay in the family home has it roots in the need to control the biggest asset and a place to live.

The person staying in the house has a home and can delay everything include a house sale. They can also wreck the place if they are really vindictive. It’s sounds like the ex is playing games. He knows she is desperate for the house to be sold and to move out, so he delays it. Take away the desperation and he has no game.

In reality if you have enough money or alternative housing you can move out and play the long game. Lots of people move out for the mental health especially if they can afford to.

What level of equity is she expecting to get? Does she need this to house herself or does she have the income to find a home even if rented? What are her actual plans when she moves out. They haven’t been married long and is this all going to be worth it?

Ultimately the court will order her ex to sell the house or to give her the share the court decides she is entitled to. Its a timing issue and she needs to hold her nerve.

She needs to make sure that any court order doesn’t allow him to piss around making efforts. Really drill into this point with her solicitor.

She should remind him that the cost of borrowing is going to go up. This pettiness will cost him.

Thank you so much for your response LemonTT. Great advice. I really appreciate you taking the time to do that.
I think the worry is that if she moves out and moves in with her parents, that if it ends up going to court, that he will be given the lions share and told he can either stay in the house or have the biggest portion of the money from selling it because she’s shown she can live with her parents whereas he might say he has nowhere else to go. He has two daughters from a previous relationship (never married) aged 16 and 21. The 21 year old is at university. They don’t live with him but they do visit fairly regularly. He’s saying he needs a four bedroom home to provide a stable base for his children. He lived in a 2 bedroom flat when sister in law met him. They used all her savings as the deposit to buy the four bedroom house they are in now, but he has been paying the mortgage. She has no income. He’s definitely controlling and he has taken a lot from sister in law’s family and given nothing back. It’s all so sad.
There’s definitely no hope of the marriage working out, he was unfaithful (messages on social media) while she was pregnant. She gave him another chance but the relationship has broken down. She’s hoping to move out into a two bed flat and start working when her daughter gets her free nursery hours when she turns 3. But she’s never going to be a high earner. Now that he’s been over spending I don’t think he’ll manage to make mortgage repayments on the house for long.

He is not going to get a bigger share based on the risks she has mentioned. Living with her parents won’t be classified as being housed. She is effectively homeless. He is never going to get anywhere arguing he needs to stay in a 4 bed house. His housing needs are a one or 2 bed flat. Neither of them are going to get a “bigger share” to stay in that house.

Going to court with a solicitor and barrister costs a lot. Doing it by yourself not so much. She needs to scope out her “needs” and just keep arguing for that. It will be a 2 bed property in the are they live in.

Has she separated from him financially yet? If so she can argue any debts he is now accruing are his.

Agree with lemonTT