Missing (or not) your kids when they are elsewhere

[TheOrigRights]

I'll do my best to explain. I don't know if this is the right board, but I'm not putting myself in AIBU to get a thrashing!

Back story: ex would often tell me I was a bad mother. I tried not to believe it.
He used to to say I didn't want to spend time with our child (we had only one at that time). One particular incident (it's about 17 years ago now), they were away and DS wanted to come home. I desperately didn't want them to come home, NOT because I didn't want to be with DS, but because I was absolutely treasuring ex not being around. Only I didn't acknowledge that to myself at the time and so I believed that ex was right. What sort of Mother would not want their homesick son to come home?

It was only many years later during appointments with a psychologist, when I was finally able to talk about the emotional abuse that she enabled me to see it wasn't me. Admitting to years of emotional abuse was hard.

Cut to now. That DS is an adult and is away with younger DS for a week. Things are hard with just me and DS2 at home. I never get a break. I cannot remember that last time I had a night away from him. I am relishing my time. But it has caused all those 'bad mother' feelings to surface.

It has been reinforced by a friend saying she is desperately missing her daughters who are away on camps. She knows DS2 is away and how much I needed that time, so it stings.

Is it bad of me to be enjoying this time? I'm not exactly doing wild things - working all day and then doing mostly sport in the evening. I will see a couple of friends which I wouldn't normally be able to do.

I love my son I adore him but he's bloody hard work. He is currently with his father and I'm loving my alone time.

You are NORMAL.

Mothers do not need to be with their children 24/7 it's not healthy. This is how your DS both of them GROW their bond.

Relax and enjoy it.

I thought I'd be gutted the first time my kids went to their dad for a sleepover.
I was overjoyed 😁
They are no contact now but the break recharged me.

Sometimes I really miss my DC, sometimes I'm mentally shouting "hallelujah" because of how much I needed the break. There's no intrinsic wrongness in either response. Mother's are allowed to NOT miss their DC and you are not a bad mother for needing a break. We all need that. Your friend misses her DDs this time, that doesn't mean on the past or future that she'd not relish a break. Maybe it's more talked about because our children have SEN, but I know a lot of mother's who relish getting a break or who never do and long for one. Finding it too much, needing some time out, needing a mental break, needing to feel like yourself, none of those things make you bad mother, just a human one.

Mine are at uni or moved out. I miss them but I'm not wanting them home any time soon either. They are good company for a few hours then my house is mine and the peace..

To thats pretty normal. My children know my home is open for them any time and any length. Doesn't mean I dont like my own space .

We are only human and need a break from time to time. It's bloody hard work bringing up children. There is no judgement on the dads that see their children EOW and do what they want in-between so why shouldn't Mums get a break too?! Enjoy YOUR time, do something for YOU. My son is away at the moment with his Dad and I feel rested and ready for the last half of the school holidays/juggling work.
Your ex can't control you so he is controlling how you feel about yourself. He isn't the resident parent so gets plenty of breaks!

Of course you aren’t a bad mother to need and value a break.
But suggesyour friend

Sorry posted too soon!
suggesting your friend should have thought harder before sharing she is missing her daughters makes me think you expect others to walk on eggshells a bit. Her feelings should be as valid as yours shouldn’t they?
Should she not share that with you? Unless you think she is saying it specifically to hurt you in which case that’s awful.
Ive had times when I’ve really missed mine and times when I’ve waved them off and opened the champagne. Context can vary.

My friend recently.split with her dh - his only redeeming quality is that he is good with having their dd- l asked if she kisses her and she was like fuck no - love having the time to myself.
You are v normal OP

Misses not kisses!

I adore my dc, I share custody 50/50 with xh. I can honestly say I don't actively miss them when they're not with me. I look forward to having them back, and currently away for a week with them but day to day, no missing!

If it makes you feel better, I never get a break and I got one the other week from all of mine for the first time in 6 years.... all's I can say is one night was NOT enough!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Roll on September when their back at school and I Atleast get a few hours a day back

I love my baby's the whole world wouldn't change it but I do not miss them if anyone ever offers to take them ! Haha xx

Thank you all for the perspective.
I do feel better about it all now, helped by knowing DS's are both having a really lovely time.

I don’t miss my kids much when they’re away. I rarely get a break from them too and also I’m thankful I’ve got healthy kids that can go away and be happy with their friends. I think some mums like to over egg how much they miss their kids to make other mums feel bad (I think 😂).

I really really miss mine when there gone, but I also really really can't wait for them to leave! They are toddlers and still cute and we still have a lot of firsts to go. DH and I can't wait to go on a trip away... without them!
I don't think there's anything wrong with how your feeling!
Don't give yourself such a hard time. Enjoy the time, you do deserve to be you.