How to explain separation to a child in these circumstances?

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I want to leave for very good reasons but DH has made it clear he wouldn't make it easy. I really don't think there would be any chance of us sitting DD down and gently explaining to her together. In fact I genuinely think there's a high chance that he'd say things like "mummy doesn't want us to be a family anymore" etc. But I wouldn't want to counter this and upset her by telling her the shit that DH has done which means I really need to leave because it just seems unnecessary and inappropriate. She's 8 years old.

It's putting me off leaving as I'm so scared of the effect what he will say/do will have on her.

Does anyone have any advice?

No life changing advice but a hug/ empathy. How awful for you :(

I have a friend who has been in this situation with her 6y/o son and ex and it is really unpleasant. They said they would sit down together and make sure they were on the same page for the boy, but the reality is that dad is now saying some stuff to try and turn him against her.

I would say though, that your daughter is 8, and she will already have her own thoughts and feelings about you, which will be very difficult for her dad to change. My friend's child doesn't seem to be particularly influenced by anything his dad says to him, certainly doesn't hate his mum. Even if your husband does say things against you, your daughter knows you and has her own view of who you are. You have a lot of leverage there so just explain your side of things and she can make her mind up.

It will be OK - if you are a good mum then he won't be able to turn her against you and she will make up her own mind.

I'd also recommend looking into a counsellor for your child - someone neutral that she can talk to through the process - sometimes schools provide this and it could be a really helpful outlet for her to work things through.

Your daughter is eight. She will hear both of you. Children are far more able to spot manipulation than we sometimes think.

If you explain that you aren't happy living with daddy, and that you don't want to be sad for the rest of your life, so you want to live in a different house but still share your daughter with daddy, she will understand.

Be calm, consistent, age-appropriate and answer her questions honestly.

Thank you for the kind replies.

I'm just not sure what I should say to her. I don't want her to have unanswered questions but I also don't want to tell her things that she's too young for and also don't want to be inevitably accused of attempting parental alienation. If I say I'm unhappy living with daddy she'll obviously want to know why and I don't know how much I should say/not say. How do you judge where the line is? Obviously she's my child so I should have more idea than strangers on the internet of what she could cope with/understand but we've never been through something like this and I want her to come out of this as unscathed as possible.

ifI say I'm unhappy living with daddy she'll obviously want to know why and I don't know how much I should say/not say.

Honestly you don't have to say much. I've been there, tho mine were a little younger.

She is likely to ask practical questions first eg 'where will Daddy live?', 'when will I see him?' kind of thing.

You don't need - nor should you - go into any details but if your ex does not take the same line, she will see this v quickly.

If possible you should encourage your ex to have the discussion with you. But if he won't, short, accurate statements, factual & always truthful, are best.

My DC father never ever spoke to them about our separation. He fobbed them & they gave up trying. I was the one that had to deal with the upset & 'when is he coming back?' 9 years on they are more than aware of what he's like.

Hi, The Relate website has good advice on How to talk to children about your seperation.

I did look on there but it didn't seem to cover these circumstances.

One of mine was around this age.

I think we went with the sort of 'we love you very much but we are not making each other happy at the moment, so have decided to just be friends'. What this means is that X will get a new house. And you will have a bedroom and toys there too and see us both'

Ive never gone into details. Remember they will have friends at school whose families come in all different shapes and sizes.

It was also my decision and i was threatened with allsorts and told i had to be the one to tell them (albeit in front it him). In the end he didnt act on it on the whole. But it was threatened and dangled over me and it was terrifying at the time. We didnt tell until the move was happening. No point creating a huge build up and prolonging confusing feelings.

It was a rough couple of weeks. And i think once the child can see that you are as good as your word, and that they do see the other parent regularly it settles quite quickly.

I was always terrified of what he would say or how they would be manipulated when with him so those nights and weekends were tense. But it does pass.

Shes probably more aware of tension and bickering then you think.

I suspect he will say that. I would say that Daddy has done a lot of things to upset Mummy and it means that we won't be living together as a family any more.

I wouldn't say this.

Keep repeating that you & Daddy are not happy together as a couple and will live apart, reassure her about any changes to her own life, and let her know she will see you both.

Regularly check in with her, they'll often say nothing for ages & then something pops up.

Hands down, telling my DC that their father was leaving was the worst & hardest thing I had to do. He refused to talk to them or tell them. My 6 yo was confused & wanted to know when he was coming back. My 4 yo hadn't a clue what was being said - and spent most nights for the following months crying for his dad, it was horrific. My 2 yo had notion & overall, coped the best.

As awful as it all was, their father had limited to no interest in the parenting side, and never spoke to them about it, despite them asking him. It was better for us all that he left but it doesn't make it any easier.

9 years on, they see him for what he is, and we have much more direct conversations about him, it's always led by them. I do feel v bad that they've seen first-hand how unreliable he is, how much he lets them / me down etc - but I remind myself it's not my fault.

But in terms of the comment above - don't start out by rubbishing him. That's good for no-one.

I think keeping it very simple is absolutely the way to go.

So if she asks why you're not happy with daddy any more (I agree with PP she might not):
"Sometimes people change and what used to make them happy doesn't any longer but I will always love you and your daddy loves you and that's the main thing"

if she says she doesn't understand why,

"It can be hard to understand why relationships change, even for grown ups. It's OK to feel confused and/or upset. After a little while we will all get used to the changes and it won't be so hard."

If he does tell her you don't want to be family any more (agree with PP he might not!)

"we're still a family, it's just a different type of family than the one we're all used to. Daddy is sad about that right now and I'm a bit sad and you're a bit sad. That's normal when there's a big change. Sometimes when we're sad we say things we don't really mean."

Or variations of that, not necessarily all in one go.

If that does come up, it might help to talk about different kinds of families she knows herself or in the media (Mrs Doubtfire for my generation, but also the kids in the Witches who lives with his grandma or whatever films/TV she's into)

I think as far as possible, acknowledge her emotions but present it as something that is happening as part of normal life not a catastrophe