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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Husband unhappy as wants more sex and “entertainment”

13 replies

Focusonthegood · 13/08/2022 23:37

Just told my H (soon to be X probably) to F off out because he said he is fed up and bored that I can’t satisfy him and he has no sex life. He said all I do is just go to bed and speak to my friends when the kids go to bed. Sort of true I admit… I guess he feels neglected.

the issue is I am really Knakkard from the kids and working. Other friends have a similar issue but their husbands are more understanding.

he said it’s his job to provide etc and mine to satisfy him and entertain him.

he is unhappy and says that I have energy to go out with friends but not for him. Sort of true but when I go out I come back before midnight and find it really re energising with the daily slog.

I don’t feel less attracted to him but just not that bothered since having kids in this area!

has anyone resolved something like this? I don’t feel that he has made much effort to romance me etc and just expects me to “sort it out” and spring into action.

OP posts:

MoistBandana · 13/08/2022 23:42

Bye bye husband.

This is the beginning. You can bend over backward... Or forward if you think about it... But ultimately, eventually, he'll be bored and blame you or he'll cheat or leave and put that on you too... Or failing that, there'll be more and more things he wants you to do for him..
Swinging, pegging, dressing him up in corset and suspenders..

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/08/2022 23:42

he said it’s his job to provide etc and mine to satisfy him and entertain him.

Were you aware this is what he thought the arrangement between you was?

Neither of you is happy or wants to improve things so call it a day. I wouldn’t want a husband who thought he was buying access to my body by providing. I wouldn’t want one who didn’t want to have sex with me and chose to lie in bed messaging his friends all night instead, or who never wanted to go out to socialise with me. I wouldn’t tolerate being told to fuck off. It all sounds miserable.

EmpressoftheMundane · 13/08/2022 23:44

Tell him worn like to be pursued, it’s a turn on. Whining for sex like toddler is a turnoff.

You are not there to service him. But you might be open to being romanced.

Let him do some legwork, shouldn’t be a problem if he is truly pent up.

FunnyBeaux · 14/08/2022 03:05

Pretty sure MNers will work out that you're the victim, but basically you're using your husband as a cash cow while ignoring his needs. Quite reasonable needs I might add.

smooththecat · 14/08/2022 03:11

1950s called, they want their husband back.

ilyx · 14/08/2022 03:20

Pretty sure MNers will work out that you're the victim, but basically you're using your husband as a cash cow while ignoring his needs. Quite reasonable needs I might add.

Kind of agree with this. I’m a woman and I wouldn’t be happy being in a sexless marriage because my partner had no energy yet was going out with his friends all the time.

Are you attracted to him OP? Are you working? Will you be able to support yourself if you leave?

Fraaahnces · 14/08/2022 03:26

Gee, I wonder why you’re NOT unable to keep your hands off this toad of a man! I imagine if he recognized that part of his job as your DH was to satisfy you in areas outside the bedroom as well, you’d find him more attractive. Perhaps you turn to your friends because he has all the empathy of a dead moose in a bag.

MoreTeaLessCoffee · 14/08/2022 03:26

It's not great on either side is it.

He needs to understand you're not a machine to service his needs and he probably needs to take more of the day to day load from you.
You need to understand that intimacy is an integral part of a marriage for most people and unilaterally giving up on it/not bothering isn't going to go well.

Neither of you seem to understand (or care?) that a marriage takes work, respect and commitment.

Sheepreallylikerichteabiscuits · 14/08/2022 04:59

he said it’s his job to provide etc and mine to satisfy him and entertain him.

Oh, so he thinks you are a prostitute - he provides money, you provide sex on demand

I don’t feel that he has made much effort to romance me etc and just expects me to “sort it out” and spring into action.

Well of course he does, see above

Look realistically if you have the energy to go out with your friends but not have sex with your DH then thats an issue. But if thats because he cannot be bothered to make an effort (is that lack of foreplay) then thats more likely the underlying issue than the going out with your friends. Especially if he isn't pulling his weight with the kids and around the house.

Honestly I couldn't be with someone who thought that if he provided money he had the right to sex. Because that means he thinks your consent can be bought, and thats dangerous.

Richielogic · 14/08/2022 05:15

Hopefully its just a phase he is going through. He needs to invest some time in you, romance you and make you feel appreciated, you are a team in this relationship. He needs to put some effort in.

Some people can be so dam selfish. Also, total loss of perspective regarding what is truly truly important in life. You are the mother to his children for Gods sake.

I’m guessing that by “Can’t satisfy him” and “no sex life” what he actually means is that he wants you to instigate sex more and him not feel “serviced” and wants you to be excited like some actress in an adult movie, rather than he can’t climax. Well, hello real world, hello life stresses, hello responsibility.

I can kind of relate to his position, in my mid 30’s like many guys, I had a disproportionate sex drive to my wife. If it was up to me, I would have been on her practically every day but with children and commitments sex on weekends became a kind of norm, 6-8 times a month and self love the rest of the time. I was “bored” wanting more excitement but in truth, I’m ashamed to say I was probably being “serviced” on 6 of those occasions and on reflection I realise now what a totally selfish, demanding git I was. If only you could live your life backwards hey…

Now in my mid 50s I have a totally different perspective. I love my wife more than anything in the world, she is my best friend, she is my everything. My sex life is minimal, we enjoy being in each others company and my priorities are totally different. You could say in some ways I have “matured” and I have various business interests which also distract me.

IF you weren’t around, he would be devasted, he probably needs reminding of why he fell in love with you in the first place. You can’t become something you are not, but this is not an insurmountable situation you are in, it’s a challenging period granted but you can work together through it.

My best advice would be to chat not fight, be mindful of his needs but explain that you truly love him but with commitments he needs to understand that sex is not as high priority for you with the children and everything else going on in your life and he equally needs to be mindful of your needs. Try and agree some date nights, some couple time to go out together, remind him of the great things you have together and what you have achieved and build on your friendship.

This is not a one-way street as I say, he equally needs to invest time in you. I can’t say if he will respond with maturity or not but as I say, you can work together through this period. Men and Women have different needs at the end of the day, the book “Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars” comes to mind.

Good luck

Sparklfairy · 14/08/2022 05:53

he equally needs to invest time in you

Yes, what work is he putting in so you want to have sex with him? Beyond whining and subconsciously or consciously laying the groundwork that it's acceptable to cheat? Because that will be the next step.

He doesn't get to just snap his fingers and use your body as a wank sock. Turn ons for women start outside the bedroom, kindness, consideration, being thoughtful. If he's neglecting your emotional needs then he's responsible for his physical ones being neglected too. It's a vicious cycle.

Lindasllama · 17/08/2022 07:38

Whilst he is being a dick if he actually used those words and all the 'right-on' ideas expressed here that sex is 'not a right' not on demand' are also correct - it is nevertheless a fact that most humans need their mates/spouses to show some sexual interest in them.

Long term intimacy avoidance leads to affairs in a huge percentage of relationships.

It's also very common to lose interest once babies arrive. It's basic biology. We are designed to 'go off it' for long periods to avoid being permanently pregnant .. however we no longer live in caves and have invented contraception - so I'm sorry to say a balance between him being a bit more patient and you 'faking it till your making it' .. will normally get you through the young kids phase ..

After that you can spend the next thirty years moaning that he is 'too tired ' to keep up with you !

DonnaBanana · 23/08/2022 15:38

"the issue is I am really Knakkard from the kids and working. Other friends have a similar issue but their husbands are more understanding.

he said it’s his job to provide etc"

If that's the mutually agreed arrangement then fine, but if you're working as well, then he's hardly providing is he. There is no quid pro quo here.

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