Scared to “go it alone” because of money

[Pegs11]

Hi, I am in my 40s, married but no kids. I left my husband a month ago when I realised I could no longer tolerate his controlling behaviour, the psychological games he’d play, and the emotional neglect, and the constant underlying sadness and anxiety I felt as a result.

I’m staying with a family member for now, and it’s great that I can do that but it’s not a long-term solution.

I’ve agreed to go to marriage counselling, but I don’t think my DH is capable of changing and even if he could, I’m not sure I could forgive him for the damage caused over the years. And so I think it may ultimately end in divorce.

I am pretty sure I want to be independent from now on, whatever happens, and whatever that means.

But being independent might not work out to be all that great. I really want to buy my own flat, and start a new life living somewhere nice where I can feel comfortable and be close to my family. I feel like I really need this… my own space where I can take time to lick my wounds and recover, knowing that I still have an asset for my future.

But even if a financial settlement went strongly in my favour, I would struggle to afford to buy. Maybe I could get a pokey one-bed flat in a rough part of town, but I know that will just make me depressed and won’t be the safe haven I desperately need.

Basically, divorcing him will mean a huge downgrade for me in terms of housing, and I may even fall off the property ladder altogether which really frightens me, because it will be so hard to climb back on it… and it will only get harder as time goes on, this is just the way of the world now. And it could take a year or two to reach a financial agreement.

Not only do I feel scared, but also bitter. I hate the fact that leaving my abusive husband is going to leave me in a shitty financial position, no matter which way the cookie crumbles.

We had literally just reached a place of financial security, after 8 years of scraping by. We had just sold our modest semi and had an offer accepted on a beautiful cottage in the country together. And I’ve just chucked it all away. Gone.

And now all I can get is a crappy flat that I probably won’t want to live in.

I know I did the right thing leaving, but my options are so limited and it’s really making me feel quite depressed and anxious.

Because of this, a lot of the time I feel like maybe I should just… go back to him. Maybe counselling will help things improve a little bit… maybe just enough to make the marriage tolerable, even if I’m never truly happy, even if I will always wonder what life could have been like if I allowed myself the opportunity to meet someone who actually knows how to love me…

Has anyone got any words of encouragement or advice? Anyone here been in a similar position? Has anyone stayed, and made a difficult marriage ‘work’? Anyone regretted leaving? Anyone managed to rebuild and be happier, despite not being financially well off?

Your destiny is in your own hands
yiu don’t have children, you can move, retrain, take different jobs, explore the world
whatever you want
dont stay for money,
embrace your freedom and seize opportunities

You haven't chucked it all away. I'm sorry OP, what a horrible situation.
I'm a similar boat, facing divorce and selling our lovely house that I've renovated, deposit was from my flat before our marriage. I am depart the idea of going so much backwards in terms of finances and a home but what can we do? I can't stay married to or living with my chaotic, alcoholic husband and it sounds like you can't stay with yours. It is so depressing and difficult but, in my case anyhow, being in this marriage has been depressing and difficult too. I'd love to keep my house but if it means staying married, I just can't.

I don't think anyone would recommend staying in an abusive relationship just to live a better lifestyle than you can provide for yourself.

Separate, work hard and rebuild.

@millymollymoomoo I certainly plan to embrace my freedom so far as possible, but I don’t have a lot of money and have a health condition that means my earning capacity isn’t great, nor my ability to travel very far 😏

@Cyberworrier Sorry to take so long to reply. I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this too. Have you made any progress? If you want to chat, pm me, maybe we can support each other 🙂

I can honestly say living in a tatty one bed flat with my 3yo ds was infinitely happier than us living in a 4 bed rural house with my ex.
If you are unhappy, Grab your half of the equity and leave. Anywhere is better than unhappy.

@lbzbean you’re right, of course. It’s hard though. There were lots of things about my life (not just financial security) that I really loved and that I can’t take with me into my new life. It makes me think about going back… just so I can keep those things. I think I will just have to let them go, and go through the grieving process.

@MintJulia you’re right… I guess I worry that I might be replacing one set of problems (not happy in marriage) with another (lonely, not enough money to have good quality of life and enjoy myself) and that maybe I will be equally unhappy if I leave! I think that’s my inner pessimist talking… I can be a bit black-and-white in my thinking, which isn’t very helpful 😅

Have you considered buying a shared equity or shared ownership property? You might be able to get a new house in a nicer area. That’s what I did after my divorce.

Zero sympathy from me 🤷‍♀️ You don’t have children and haven’t sacrificed your own earning capacity because of child bearing and child care.

why do you think you shouldn’t be responsible for your own financial security?

im single mid 40s and entirely responsible for my own financial security.

You only get one life - if you look back 30 years from now, will you be glad you stayed or glad you left?

How long were you together? If it's deemed a long marriage legally you will be entitled to half the assets (which includes house, valuation of pensions minus debts). So in that scenario and if you're married you might be able to afford something. Do get some legal advice.

But starting again isn't something to fear, it's good to stand on your own two feet and make your own way in the world - it's scarey sure, but not impossible.

@Keepingupappearance My earning capacity has been compromised by the fact that I was in an abusive marriage that made me very ill. In the meantime I’ve watched my DH’s career go from nothing, with me putting most of the money into buying our house, to him earning loads of money, while I lost my career due to my illness. I am now just about well enough to work but have limited earning capacity, I can’t just go out and get myself a high-paying job like some people can. If we split the equity 50:50 I will only get back what I put in, which these days won’t afford me very much, especially if I’m buying on my own. Meanwhile he will get something like an 800% return on what he put in, and can get a big mortgage thanks to his high income , so he’s laughing. I don’t need your sympathy but could really have done without the throw-away, judgmental comments. It’s great you have been able to take care of yourself and be responsible for your own financial security, but you haven’t walked in my shoes.

Pegs just wanted to send sympathy and glad you're standing up for yourself. I did read that comment and found it quite upsetting/missing the point. And person who posted that- I do get your points but I don't think situations are as black and white as you make them out to be, divorce is hugely complex and dismantling finances as a couple is really hard. And women often suffer from that, regardless of whether they've have children. It's not always by choice that women haven't had children either. We've also just come out of the pandemic which has messed up many peoples careers and life plans. Give women whose lives are in turmoil/been thrown upside down a break please.

@Bouledeneige we were married six years so considered a medium-term marriage I think. I have taken legal advice, it seems like even the best financial split I’d be entitled to still won’t get me very far.

I’m so far from where I wanted to be at this point in my life, and I’m having trouble at the moment finding acceptance and calm. There’s so much going on, so much at stake and my head is very crowded with worries. Had more bad news on the financial front today so that’s made things even worse. Dammit.

@Cyberworrier I really appreciate your supportive message. I’m not childless through choice and am to this day devastated that I wasn’t able to have children. I don’t think it will necessarily make things easier, me not having kids… in some ways maybe, but I imagine that many divorcees are able to take some comfort in the fact they at least have their children. I take no comfort in being childless at 42 and now single and skint too. I feel like an utter failure at times. It takes a huge effort every day for me to not feel that way.

Sending you a big hug Pegs. Try to be gentle with yourself. You're going through something really hard and I don't think people who haven't experienced something similar can imagine what it's like. I will try to DM at some point soon as we have some things in common we are going through.
But I hope you can reach out to some friends or family in real life and do some things for self care, like baths/walks- things that aren't worrying. You need to charge your emotional battery even if it's with little things. X

I’m sorry that you’re struggling and infertility is awful.

I don’t think you can really blame your marriage for a lack of earning capability though. It’s only been six years and you were in your late 30s when you got married. I don’t think it helps to think like that. If your marriage is abusive you will be so much better off on your own. Don’t stay for money or think that you’ll be better off financially if you stay. If what you say about your health is true, you will not be better off in any way if you stay.

move on and make your own life. I’m a single parent in my 40s and absolutely happy and better off regardless off the difficulties.

@Cyberworrier thank you. I do find this forum useful, but sometimes get disheartened by the fact that the vast majority of posts are by people with children… which I am unable to relate to, and it makes me feel more alone. I know separation/divorce is not easy for people who have kids in the equation… but there don’t seem to be many people on this forum who suddenly find themselves in the ruins of an abusive marriage while still dealing with the intense emotional pain of being childless (let alone anyone on here who is still recovering from failed IVF/miscarriage, and the cancer that caused the whole fertility issue in the first place). I do feel like I’m the only person. There must be others out there... But they are hard to find.