Hand hold please… revisiting the marital home

[Pegs11]

I left my husband a month ago (for a good reason, which I won’t go into just now). I am now staying with a relative.

I just went back to the marital home to feed the cats (because my husband is away, and I offered to feed them in his absence). I found it incredibly hard being back in the house. I got very emotional. I didn’t want to leave.

Even though I left my husband because I ultimately wasn’t happy, I found myself wanting everything to just go back to how it was. Surrounded by my stuff, all the things I’m used to, my creature comforts, and the environment I so lovingly created… my garden, my tiles, my wooden floors, my blinds, my mirrors, my bath, my windowsills, my sofas … it was heartbreaking. And it really tested my resolve.

I just wondered if anyone can relate to this. I could really do with a hand-hold this evening.

It can be hard to go back.
I left my ex-wife when I got fed up with her boyfriend always being around when I got home.
Six months after I left she was away on holiday with him and my daughter phoned and asked if I could go to the house and fix a problem with the central heating.

I found it really difficult to be in the house and not to live there.
It was strange to see how the furniture had been rearranged.

It is hard to go back so I am offering the hand hold you need and I wish I had

@NotTooOldPaul thank you for your reply, it’s nice to know someone understands how I feel. Although I’m sorry it happened to you, and I hope things have got better for you.

I really miss my stuff… my decor and furnishings and stuff. Not because I’m materialistic but just because that was the home I’d built so lovingly and it was an environment I had created and absolutely perfected for myself, and therefore felt safe in… it made up for me not feeling emotionally safe in my relationship.

I’m hoping to one day (whenever a financial settlement can be reached, however long that might take) buy a flat and really make it “mine” and just snuggle up in it with my dog and my plants. I can’t wait for that.

I’m currently living in the house, but will eventually move out to buy my own. He will stay here.

The house is the result of nearly 30 years of our love and labour.

However, we will need to share out the furniture and fittings and mentally I am claiming for my self mostly the bits and pieces which I’ve bought chosen and arranged to take with me. It’s mostly plants and decorative bits, which I don’t see him objecting too. But I reckon once they’re gone he will realise they’re the things make a house a home.

I don’t actually want any of the things he’s bought or uses. They are tainted for me.

@sleepymum50 I’m sorry you’re going through this. My husband and I have been married for six years (together for eight). I can’t imagine what it would be like doing this after 30 years. I hope the move goes as smoothly as possible for you and that you can get started on your new life feeling well-equipped and positive and strong.

If I thought my husband and I could get along as friends under the same roof I’d consider moving back there until the house is sold. I miss my cats and my stuff and my routines. But my husband is extremely manipulative and he’d probably convince me to stay and get back with him. And that would be bad for me. I have to try and stay strong.

@Pegs11 I’m sorry about your situation.

It seems a shame you’re the one dispossessed when it’s your husband who has the unreasonable behaviour. If you could future proof yourself against going back to him, could you move back?

I ask this because I know I won’t ever change my mind. I am the one who wants out. Seeing a therapist and having a couple of awful rows has truly burned that bridge for both of us.

In hindsight, I wish I had been more able to disengage and walk away. Because it was my decision, he felt entitled to waylay me to give me his views on my behaviour, his feelings, his view of the financial split or whatever he wanted to get off his chest that day.

Its taken a while, but I think he has finally got the message and I now realise that I’m not his captive audience. Even turning my back and walking away didn’t stop him following to vent. So in the end the best strategy is to keep my mouth shut.

Do you think this could work for you? I know I would miss my cats too much.

My old cat died in 2 years ago, and now I’m glad I don’t have any pets at this time.

@sleepymum50 I don’t think I’m bullet-proof enough to handle his words and behaviours if I were to go back now. He is desperately trying to win me over in various (manipulative) ways… love-bombing and guilt-tripping… At the moment he can only do that from a distance, because I won’t engage with him face-to-face, but it’s hard enough dealing with that. I don’t think I’d be able to keep up my resilience in his company, he always seems to break me down… and history has proven that.

I really do miss the cats, but I am trying very hard not to let that cloud my judgement. I know my husband will look after them. And maybe, if my DH and I are able to be friends once the horrible stuff is out of the way, I will still get to see the cats every now and then. (I’m sure he is going to insist on seeing the dog (who has come with me)).

I hope I am not hijacking this thread, but it got me thinking.
Next month could have been my Golden Wedding Anniversary but as my ex-wife found someone new we divorced after 27 years.

A year after we split up I met someone and we have now been married for 18 years but a little bit of me is feeling sad that I’ll never celebrate a Golden Wedding. (I will if we both live to be 108).

I love my wife and life is good but this little bit of me remembers and wishes.

I’m probably being stupid but sharing is helpful.

@NotTooOldPaul people always say you should never look back, and that is probably a blissful place to be, but not always the easiest thing to do.

It sounds like you have a new life now and that you are happy. As long as you’re living in the present most of the time, I think you could be forgiven for having the odd wobble.

I am very worried about “going it alone”, especially as I’m not financially well off and it’s going to be a bit of a struggle. Especially at a time when the cost of living is so high. I wouldn’t go as far as to say I’ll be financially ruined but certainly it will put me a huge step back. Like, I’ll be going from a three-bed house to a one-bed flat. Sometimes I think I must be crazy to leave. But staying was making me crazy and I think if I’d stayed with my DH forever I would have ended up ruined in other ways.

@ Pegs11 Thanks. I have a good life, the only wobbles are from my wife who has poor balance and can easily fall. We go out for walks with her in a wheelchair and enjoy being out together. (we are both 75 so plan to have many more years together).
I do usually live in the present and don't want to go back.
I hope you move forwards to being really happy.