Alternate weeks / week-on week-off custody - any experience?

[crummyusername]

Hi, my ex and I have until recently been doing 50-50 childcare with a midweek break point (Sun-Wed and Wed-Sun). It's not been working that well, as the Weds handover is quite stressful and it feels unsettling.

He's suggested week-on week-off, probably with a Sunday early eve handover. Does anyone have experience of this? What's good or not so good? My kids are 11 and 14, and at the moment we are in a 'nesting' arrangement whereby they stay in the house and we move in and out, but in 6-12 months or so we expect to have two separate homes.

One worry is work, as I do have to go the office two days a week, but the kids are just old enough that they can be left alone for a couple of hours after school which I hope makes it manageable.

My 50/50 arrangements started like yours (mid-week change) then moved to weekly then to fortnightly. Mostly down to the child, but also the effect of her getting older. That does mean you have clear periods of parent and non-parent activity.

My preference was to avoid a parent to parent handover -- instead there was a pick-up at school which was the changeover. The downside of long periods like 1 or 2 weeks is that you are likely to need two of most things, rather than expecting to be able to move stuff at handovers.

Was fine. What tends to upset arrangements is new partners, new children, and if one lives much further from the school than the other. Can also expose differences in parenting -- I think children need to see 'housework' being done but the other parent did that housework largely in the non-parent week.

Friends of mine did this. Kids are adults now and they HATED it. Their stuff was always at the wrong place, seeing friends was tough because they were at house 1 and house 2 is nearer etc etc

contact is for the benefit of the CHILDREN- so make sure it’s what they want and work around to fit with them

Am I misunderstanding what nesting is? Aren’t the children always in the same house?

We are doing nesting now (ie kids always in the house and we move in and out). But it creates a lot of tensions and will have to end anyway as we finalise divorce and separate finances.

Yes I'm thinking they'll need 2 sets of a lot of stuff and I'd hope that my ex stays nearby or I think it will be very hard

What do the kids want? In an ideal world you would live near your ex and the kids can come and go from each house on condition they let you know if they need a meal. My friends kids do this and it works out well - all kids expenses are split 50/50, no cms is paid, each parent claims for one child benefit. It helps they both earn equally around the £50k mark and had enough equity to buy two smaller houses with modest mortgages

Could you not do Friday to Friday? So they come back to you after school on a Friday one week, go back to their dads after school the other week?

I used to hate handovers between my parents!

I live in a country now where 50/50 is the standard starting point. I also work as a children's counselor/therapist and have counseled many through divorces. The vast majority are happier with 50/50 versus every other weekend where they feel like one parent barely sees them. I only see it here on Mumsnet and the UK base that it's so awful for the kids.

Of course it depends on several things - the parents remaining close to each other physically so that the kids can stay at their schools easily and see their friends etc. The parents not being hostile when new partners come on the scene. And I agree it generally goes better if the handover is directly from school so you interact less with the parent.

@yonce this is exactly the kind of thing I'm trying to think about. Of course the kids would prefer us to all be in the same house, but failing that I'm trying to think what's least bad for them. Friday to Friday is perfectly possible and if there's reasons why that's better for the kids, I could put it to my ex. Sunday evenings aren't a great time with the stress of school looming.

@gogohmm I don't yet know where my ex will live, but I'm sure he'd want to stay nearby if it's affordable. I think my younger one is too young still to go back and forward as he wants, and I think he'd be inclined to stay much more with me, which would be difficult if I'm out for work or whatever. The main thing they've both said is that they want certainty over when they're with me, and when they're with him.

How would a school handover work? Both will go to school on their own from Sept, so they could go from one house and return to the other - I guess one parent would need to deliver their stuff to the other parent? We'd be able to double up on a lot of basic things, but not everything.

I do 50/50 with ex and we handover on a Sunday evening after tea. We each have a school uniform at our houses which means our dc only need to take books etc to the house. It works fine, as the dc can have a quick catch up with each parent on the Sunday, bed and then school the next day, a fresh week.

I don't see my ex, I drop off on the driveway, make sure they get in the house, quick wave and I'm off

I think given the ages of the DC you should ask them. And if you are truly 50/50 what will there be to handover? DC should be able to go to school from one house and back home to another.

@crummyusername Friday was definitely easier for us - Sunday evening used to disrupt the week and gave me the Sunday scaries! Friday evening felt a bit like a treat to go somewhere new after school.

Tbh, doubling up on things isn't always feasible, but could they not have half their stuff with each home (when it comes to clothes), double toiletries (toothbrushes etc) and perhaps just electronics might be the hard bit that could need coordination depending on what they have?

Yeah we could double up on a lot - it's electronic, plus some sports gear that can't easily be duplicated.

Sounds like Fri after school or Sun eve are two decent options. I will ask the kids again... they are quite confused as there have been a few changes (my ex tends to unilaterally decide stuff and impose on the rest of us, which clearly needs to change).

Just to throw another idea in the mix. I know a family where they do this:
Monday, Tuesday: always at mums
Wednesday, Thursday: always at dads
Friday-Sunday: alternate

No parent-parent handover as pick up is always from school.

The benefit of this is that there is continuity around days, so one parent always takes a child to the same activity, and it is possible for parents to do hobbies on their 'free' evenings. It also means that parents/children don't have to go very long without seeing each other - obviously different things work for different families though.

Kids don’t need a handover at that age

the 14 year should defo get a say in what they want and should ( almost) be able to come and go