My marriage is over 😔

[Mermaid27]

I’ve been with my husband since we were 18/19, 2 beautiful daughters aged 8 & 11. We’ve had quite a toxic relationship for most of our relationship, good times being great and bad times being, well…not so good. For years I’ve felt like I’ve been in an emotionally abusive relationship. My husband finally got personal therapy last year and unpicked some of the reasons why he is/has behaved the way he has over the years, and since then has become a wonderful more kind version of himself, the man I wanted him to be all those years ago.

we’ve since been to marriage counselling to unlock some of our relationship issues. We’re crap at communicating, operate at quite a different pace (I’m 100 miles an hour and he’s more laid back/sometimes lazy), and I feel like we have different values in life, he’s a bit of a chancer whereas I’m risk adverse and pragmatic.

all of this has ended up me questioning whether we’re still compatible/can I put the past behind me and can I fall back in love with him. I still love him dearly but last night I told him I don’t see a future for us. I feel like we’ve run our natural course, it just kills me that I’m breaking his heart and going to break up our family, but I just don’t feel like me anymore. The last few years I’ve slowly just died a little bit every day, to the point I feel I need a fresh start, as hard as it may be. I want to feel like he’s on a pedestal and makes my world go round but I just don’t feel like that anymore 😔

I’m 39 now so been together 20 years

Sending hugs to you. It's very difficult letting go of someone who has been in your life all your adult life.

And there will be guilt I'm sure that things still don't work after a period of therapy.

A very wise woman once told me "Do not expect your husband to change. You have to be happy to marry the man he is."

Of course I ignored her and went ahead and married a completely unsuitable man and was divorced a couple of years later.

Most people are completely different at 19 and 39. It's very unusual to find a life partner who matures alongside you at the same pace and wants the same things as you at each waypoint in life.

I'm interested in your line " the man I wanted him to be all those years ago" as it sounds as though you've never really had the ideal partner in him. You sound like polar opposites - and toxic relationships with high highs and low lows seem fun and dramatic and passionate when you're young but completely rinse you out when you're older and don't have time for that shit any more.

39 is still so very young if you feel like you want to throw in the towel. You don't need a reason other than it's not working for you any more - you can still hopefully harmoniously co parent whilst not together.

By all means continue your counselling if you've found it useful and it helps you to talk to each other better. But if you're still crap at communicating after 20 years I can assure you it won't get any better and you will still feel frustrated and empty.

Everyone deserves better than settling for the status quo.

Well done you for making the change.
A lot of your reasons are mine too, but I’m not brave enough to go.

@KangarooKenny i think I’ve felt like this on and off for the past 6 years, it’s easy to forget about it and hope it will change when the kids are young. Now they’re older I have less of a reason to keep enduring the heartache. It’s just such a sad position to be in, we don’t hate each other and the past few days when I’ve told him how I feel it’s been the calmest we’ve ever spoken. I still don’t know if I’m strong enough, but I suppose I have to for my own happiness and self worth 😞

@Beaubeau08 well a lot has happened since I posted this. after this post last year we separated, told both the children and he moved out for about 4 weeks, they were obviously devastated but it gave us the space to try and see what life on its own would be like. He was great with the kids whilst we weren’t together and generally started being more considerate to me and helping me out more than when we lived together. Based on this I asked him to come home and we said we’d give it another try. We still had arguments but a lot less frequently, but still following the same pattern and our inability to communicate with each other.

just last month I got to the end of my tether again telling him he was selfish and prioritised himself over me and the kids, and I felt like I was completely alone and didn’t feel like we were a team. I told him I wanted a divorce as I didn’t see how he could change if he hadn’t managed it to date.

he pleaded with me that he would change and if it meant him being less selfish and more considerate he would as nothing else in his life was more important to him than me and the kids.

we figured a lot of his actions/behaviour come down to how he acts when he’s drinking. He’s by no means an alcoholic but even the informal mid week drinks were having an impact on his energy levels, patience and general motivation for his family. He’s now given up alcohol and will only drink on occasions where we’re not together as he feels he’d rather have us around and is prepared to make that sacrifice.

since he’s stopped drinking he’s been far more loving, willing to compromise and selfless.

sorry to waffle on, I suppose my advice is if you believe he can be the man you want/need and he is prepared to put his all into making it happen then I think any marriage that’s lasted this long has a chance. It’s just about finding back that respect and admiration that drew you together in the first place xxx sending big hugs xx