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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

DH doesn’t care I want a divorce

9 replies

Chumbibi · 04/08/2022 21:19

DH and I have had a rocky relationship. Together for 9 years, married for four. Two DC aged 2 and 8 weeks.

Ive suffered with anxiety for years and have had counselling on and off. DH always dead against me going on any medication even though I think this is probably what I need. I’m currently suffering a bad bout of post natal anxiety which I’m having some counselling for. I suffered with this when having My first DC.

DH blames it for all our problems. I agree it’s a factor but issues that I have is that DH doesn’t try to connect with me emotionally (particularly after the children), doesn’t listen to me (constantly doing things with the children/around the house when I have asked him not to), in the past has been verbally abusive when drunk and on one occasion broke my trust. The resentment has been building and I told him today I just couldn’t go on.

His reaction has just been that if anger, saying fine whatever, why should he have to move out whilst I get ‘all the good stuff’, that it’s tedious, and he hasn’t got time for it. When second DC was born he moved into the spare room and he said he will stay there for now as he won’t move out/has nowhere to go.

It’s all a mess and so upsetting. What do I do? I still feel so mixed up in my hormones and sleep deprivation and can’t really think straight.

OP posts:

DesMoulinsRouge · 04/08/2022 21:25

Oh OP, you poor thing.
You've got so much on your plate.

Are you getting any support for your mental health? If not then I think that is the first thing you need to do.
If you can get yourself on a more even keel then maybe you will feel a bit stronger and be able to deal with things.

I'm sorry he's behaving like that, it's really not what you need right now. He sounds very selfish.

Quitelikeit · 04/08/2022 21:31

Young children are hard work. They out huge strain on the strongest of relationships.

you are both tired, which means you can’t think clearly and this causes extreme thoughts and actions

it is better if you acknowledge this to your husband, tell him that you both shouldn’t make any rash decisions and look at how you can co parent and survive for the next few months

also do get help for your anxiety

can I ask how your anxiety impacts your daily life?

Original poster

Chumbibi · 04/08/2022 21:37

Thanks for your replies. I’m currently having counselling for my post natal anxiety.

@Quitelikeit that’s very true, we are under huge strain at the moment. Tbh I would say I’m high functioning day to day. Husband says I’m ‘always on edge’ and this is certainly true of either of the DC get ill then I worry myself to death. I used to be very anxious about my performance at work but that’s it really.

OP posts:

KangarooKenny · 04/08/2022 21:39

Get on medication and leave him.

LocalHobo · 04/08/2022 21:42

you are both tired, which means you can’t think clearly and this causes extreme thoughts and actions
If things were always this bad you wouldn't have conceived a second DC together. Don't make any permanent decisions until both of you feel in a better place mentally.

AQuietWalk · 04/08/2022 21:52

While I agree that small children can put your relationship under pressure, the things which concern me here are:

whether you take medication for anxiety seems to be up to him. It should not be. You are an adult and should make your own medical decisions. It is highly controlling for him to try to stop this.
that he blames your anxiety for everything, It cannot all be down to your anxiety (because as noted above, having small children is difficult). And he is stopping you seeking medical support for anxiety, so you are in a lose-lose situation
that is before you get on to the issues of him not listening to you, being emotionally abusive and breaking your trust (no wonder you are struggling with anxiety.

if you want to take anti-anxiety medication, do so. beyond that, I don’t know what to advise. I personally don’t think you are wrong to want to leave, but I cannot advise on the practicalities. A solicitor can.

Quitelikeit · 04/08/2022 21:55

What is he doing around the home and with the children that you are asking him not to do?

Original poster

Chumbibi · 05/08/2022 00:52

@Quitelikeit its things like not wearing the baby in the sling properly, not cleaning the frother on the coffee machine properly (which we use for the toddlers milk, so is full of sour milk the next day), not being consistent or joined up with me on how we manage the toddlers tantrums, leaving clothes damp in the dryer from turning it off because he doesn’t like the noise, not putting the baby’s car seat in properly. Some stuff trivial bur some stuff serious, I just get told that I’m going on at him. The other night the toddler spilt his drink everywhere on the carpet and he said he didn’t know how to clear it up, so left with damp smelly carpet the next day.

what’s getting to me is his contempt for me and the anger.

OP posts:

Ilikepinacoladass · 08/08/2022 09:03

Is he working from home? Sounds like you maybe need a bit of space from each other, have you been able to get out and about with the baby much? I wouldn't make any permanent decisions at the mo, I did (in lockdown with small baby) and wish I'd waited until had a clearer head. Not saying it wouldn't be the right decision (or that might wasn't the right decision) but everything can seem so intense with a small baby and especially if your partner is at home lots of the time too. Are there any nice / supportive thing he's been doing, as well as the more annoying ones? x

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