Can a therapist/counsellor help me to decide if I should leave dh?

[shouldistayorshouldigonowidk]

Together 30 years, married most of that time, two dc early 20s both at uni. Big house, fancy cars, plenty of money etc etc but he's miserable, moody, often angry about the tiniest things (not violent ever) and it just makes me miserable. His father is awful and has got much worse as he's got older and I know I can't be like my mil, total doormat - anything for a quiet life etc. I worry about the effect on the dc if we split or what if dh or I became ill- both in our fifties. I think it just feels maybe not bad enough to divorce and there isn't really anyone I can talk to about it, so wondered if a therapist maybe could help me. Any advice welcome - regular but nc for this.

Sorry because it sounds miserable. Yes, a therapist will be able to help you work through your feelings and make decisions with confidence. All the best.

You don't need anyone's permission to leave him.
A therapist will help you process any feelings you have and guide you to figure out what you want, if that's what you need.

A good counsellor would help you unpick this.

Can't recommend counselling highly enough to anyone for any reason. It enables you to put yourself first and to decide what's right for you.

A good therapist will help you work out how you feel and what the consequences of your choices might be.

A bad therapist (and there are many) will tell you whether or not you should leave.

As others said you don’t need a reason to leave, the marriage doesn’t have to reach some kind of ‘badness level’ before you leave. The only question is: would future you be happier and more fulfilled with this man, or alone? The DC are old enough to be irrelevant, the big house is irrelevant too (particularly as, if it’s that big, you’d get a good enough settlement to buy a small cottage/flat by the sea or whatever).

I’d suggest you seek out a marriage therapist and see them on your own for a bit, as they’ll have more insight into what relationships are worth trying to save, rather than a general therapist. But what do I know …

Good luck!

Sounds like you both need to see a therapist, separately and maybe together as couples therapy however from what you've written here it is perhaps unlikely he'd agree to that. However that then would give you your answer.

Thank you all - yes money situation is such that I would be able to get somewhere decent to live without a mortgage (pretty sure anyway) dh has recently had a large windfall and will be retiring very soon which is making me panic as lockdown with him home all the time was awful. I haven't worked since 2nd dc as DH didn't want me to (I know) so earning potential not great but I think I'd be ok financially with no mortgage and a low-paid job. I'll look for a good therapist- any tips how to choose one?

First of all, I'm so sorry to hear you're in this situation - it really sucks. My aunty was in a very similar situation too and didn't know what to do. She was unhappy in her marriage, the kids had left home and she was left looking at the future in a very bleak way.
She didn't use a 'therapist' as such but she used a woman called Phillipa who was absolutely fantastic. It was more about building her 'self esteem' (even though she was outwardly a very confident and outgoing person) and trying to find a solution to her problems and look at the best path for a happy future. I won't go into it all, but she 'unlocked' a lot of stuff from her past and found the cause was rooted in something that happened to her as a teenager.
This woman was so good, she's also done some work over zoom with one of my mum's friends who lives abroad. It might even be worth your husband doing it if he's in any way depressed etc.
They both used Phillippa Saunders who is part of Thrive.

Have a look on ukcp or bacp website for counselling or psychotherapy as these are the main professional bodies. As previous posters have said a good therapist will help you decide what is best for you, not give you advice.

www.psychotherapy.org.uk/find-a-therapist/?Distance=10
www.bacp.co.uk/search/Therapists

This was me OP. Angry DH, but I felt not really bad enough to leave.
I went to see a psychotherapist to find out what was wrong with me as I had no idea it was him that was the problem.
After putting everything into words and seeing the psychotherapists face when I told him what was happening, the penny finally dropped!
I’ve since found out he is a narcissist and am in the process of getting a divorce after 30 years of marriage.
I can’t pretend life is easy now, I’m pretty lonely and stressed by all the games he’s playing but my DD for starters let’s me know every time I see her that I’ve done the right thing.
So yes it’s worth going to have a chat with someone about your situation. Sometimes when someone repeats back to you what you’ve just told them in another way, you realise how awful things are.

Definitely worth going to see somebody! Mine generally says that no one else can make you feel xyz ('miserable' in your case). But they can trigger something in you to bring that out. There might be things you can do yourself to make you feel happier without having to break up, there's no guarantee that you won't still be miserable after a split as the grass is not always greener.

I mean I could tell you to leave this guy just from the sentence ‘it makes me miserable.’ He makes you unhappy.

But I don’t think a counsellor or therapist would make the decision for you/give input. They would more help you work out what you want. They question more than they answer in my experience.

Sounds like a good idea to see someone.
If you do decide to stay, could you do things more independently without your dh? Would that work?

Thanks for the replies, things are pretty calm here atm thankfully, probably because one of the dc is away for a bit and ridiculous as it sounds I'm pretty sure he gets kind of jealous when they're here as I really love having them around.

I've had a look at the links for counsellors (thank you) and found one I like the look of nearby. I'm not going to do anything for a couple of weeks as we've a big family event next week which the dc will be home for so I'm waiting till after that to avoid any atmosphere.

I've contacted a career coach (recommended by a friend) as I want to explore my options in terms of potentially supporting myself or at least getting out of the house regularly going forward (I have been muttering about this for a while so won't be a massive shock to him, although I doubt he'll be pleased).

My plan is to bring this up as a starting point for discussing that I'm unhappy, then bring in the idea of me seeing a counsellor and suggesting he does too, and I guess see how things go from there. I feel slightly better for having a vague plan at least.

Yes @shouldistayorshouldigonowidk I would say a counsellor can help you decide, and if you find one who does, I would say to you go with it and take action as soon as you can. I went to a Relate counsellor in Feb 2019 who pretty much agreed with me that there is no marriage to save and it's very much time to get out of it and move on. I felt so relieved that I wasn't going crazy or being unreasonable, but at the same time it did open a can of worms. Once I told dh a few months later that I'd seen a counsellor and also told him how unhappy I was, he just fought against it and said I had humiliated him by going there behind his back and that I should have spoken to him only. He said that I was acting miserable now as she had put ideas in my head. The point is though, I needed to know that it was ok to feel how I was feeling, to be angry with him and his behaviour, and that I was allowed happiness and didn't have to muddle along for the rest of my life with someone who doesn't give me a second glance. I could not possibly have got that conclusion from him, so thank god I did see the counsellor. But as I say, that was Feb 2019, and here I am still muddling along. My life situation is a bit different from yours, and I will struggle financially, but I'd rather live on toast for the rest of my days as long as I don't have to deal with him and his ways every day, and that my boys are happy. That's all I want. Even the nurse who did my smear test this morning who got a very brief history of my life said "do it for yourself, you deserve to be happy." Sometimes it's someone unexpected who gives you the kick up the bum, not necessarily a counsellor! But it is good to talk and get out of your own head with a stranger. Good luck OP

I was deeply unhappy. I just didn’t know if it was me or him.

By the end of the first session I knew it was him. He had scrambled my brain so much, I didn’t know if his behaviour was acceptable just because he told me it was.

Best thing I ever did.

I saw a chartered clinical psychologist, more expensive but they have the best qualifications.

My plan is to bring this up as a starting point for discussing that I'm unhappy, then bring in the idea of me seeing a counsellor and suggesting he does too, and I guess see how things go from there.

From what you've said about your husband, it might be as well that you don't tell him of your plans at the moment. See the counsellor yourself and have a few sessions, see things from a bigger perspective, then consider how to broach things with your husband. You should have more of an idea of what you want then and be stronger for however he reacts.