Telling the children

[tryingtoholdittogetheralways]

I've finally told 'DH' that after years of his controlling behaviour and narcissism, I'm done ...taking the kids and I'm leaving. We have three DC, 17, 14 and 6 yrs.

He has said that 'I'm not taking them' and he will tell the kids that it's my decision, and mine alone, that it's me doing this...despite admitting that we haven't had a happy relationship in years. Do I tell them alone? He says do what you want. I'd do love for him to put their feelings first and be a united front, I can't believe what a selfish dickhead I married.
Any advice on how to approach this with them?

Do it together. You'll regret it later as the kids are naturally put in the middle of the upcoming cluster fuck of divorce and particularly the younger ones.

It doesnt matter what you two think. Its about them.

Inspite of where you may be, or where you think he should be, your decision may have blindsided him - you'll be surprised how many blokes don't know the extent of their wives unhappiness - blissfully or willfully, so he's naturally responding in that sort if way if he's shocked/unhappy.

Find a way to to work together. You'll both regret it later. Facilitate a chat with relate or something to establish the break up but the two of you setting your own stories out like that will only damage them later.

Agree with pp

also neither of you will be taking the teens - as they’re teens and will really be able to chose where they go and when

you’ll need to agree for the 6 y/o

Will I need to agree though? What if the little one comes with me regardless of the temper tantrums that his narcissistic, racist, controlling, misogynistic father has? I've had twenty five years of being told what I can and can't do, it's enough already.
And for the record, I have two teenagers, I'm well aware of the limitations of recommending what they should or shouldn't do. What I'm suggesting is an amicable, grown up, united front for the sake of our three children. In the absence of that, then what? We have it anyway despite him crying hysterically and blaming me for everything that's ever happened? I'll do it if I have to, I'm just fucking done with all the bullshit and I hoped for better from him.

Yes you’ll need to agree for the 6 y/o

if you can’t you may end up getting dragged through family courts

do you think he’ll come round/calm Down/see sense/ talk things through etc after he’s had a bit of time and realises you’re serious ??

what does he propose re chikdren , esp the youngest !

@millymollymoomoo he proposes that I leave, without the children. That's not going to happen obviously, but what's the alternative? I'm hoping he'll calm down and see sense, particularly regarding the 6 yr old. But after 25 years of getting his own way and caring only about himself, I'm not hopeful to be honest.

@tryingtoholdittogetheralways Are you renting or owning your property ? Are you able to make him leave.

Do not leave the children - take them with you if you cannot make him leave - if you are the primary care giver then it is reasonable for you to take them - try to discuss with him before you leave when they will come and see him ( EOW ? )

I know how you feel - I left with my youngest DC last November - ( the others are adults and have their own places ) - but as she is 17 - she was old enough to make their own decision and come with me . I was with my narcissist for 32 years - I had enough about 10 years ago but knew if I left at that stage he would put his own feelings first and not care about the childrens emotional well being.......

Well done for making the decision to leave- you only have one life - do not waste any more of it on him - he will never change